How important are similar interests?

[Music101]

A while ago I dated someone for a bit - that kind of lead nowhere other than becoming friends - he’s lovely though.

We had some similar interests (nature, psychotherapy) and in some ways a similar personality, but other things were very different - eg. taste in music and sport (I have no taste in sport apart from the final of the World Cup, Wimbledon and sprinting / gymnastics during the Olympics ).

Do things like wildly differing tastes in music matter??

Similar upbringing helps thus the values. Some would say it would make sense to stay within your ‘class’ but I don’t agree with that necessarily.

For some it will be how into their interests they are. I.e. they would miss an important family event for a football match.

I think it depends on how much someone sees their lifestyle/identity to be determined by their hobbies/interests/values.

I definitely agree with regards to shared values.

With my ex, we initially shared a hobby but that petered out over the years and we both loved music. However, it became apparent over the years that we both had different values. He had no empathy towards people, was homophobic and also came out with racist comments - he would say it was a 'joke', but it really wasn't. He was on the whole a nasty person.

When I met my current partner I wanted someone with the same values: patience, kindness, selflessness, compassion, honesty, reliability, dependability, consistency, decency, sincerity and commitment. Thankfully he ticks all of those boxes and we also have the same political outlook. We love the same music and interest in films. However, I love theatre..he doesn't, I love history, he does to a point, but not as much as I do. Either way we can talk for hours about subjects and learn from each other without it descending into an argument, as it would with my ex. I often felt he was being purposefully obtuse.

I think you need some common ground, but don't have to have matching interests. So, DH adores sport (cricket, rugby, football, F1), and I have little interest in watching it, and even less in him talking about it. He also likes to play computer games and D&D, which I have zero interest in. He has zero interest in sewing. We like the same music genre broadly, but different sub genres - so we'll go to a festival together but prefer to see different bands.
But we do have common interests - a passion for learning, esp history and science, even though again the specifics are different. We both cycle, him more than me, and I run more than him (and he is not an enthusiastic swimmer where I love it), but support each other in those.

Dh and I share the same taste in music, films and enjoyment of working out.

But apart from that we have no common interests, we don't like the same TV programmes, aren't drawn to the same holiday destinations, so we do compromise a lot there, which has actually been a good thing because it means we alternate a hot poolside holiday and a break in a cabin in the UK most years.

He is a gamer and has been known to disappear into his computer for 6+ hours whereas I read, so we used to sit in the spare room together for hours at the weekends, me reading and him gaming, in companionable silence, occasionally chatting.

Obviously this was pre children.

Now he probably plays for a max of 2 or 3 hours and usually has dd on his lap and showing her how to play, and I struggle to finish a book unless it's a bedtime story for the children haha.

Our relationship strength comes from our shared values and morals, and us both being homebodies. Especially right now as we can't go to the gym and train, the past 8 weeks has really shown how compatible we are, while being totally different people, we've rediscovered eachother to an extent.

The only thing we like that is the same is eating nice food and the only TV programme we have ever both enjoyed is Killing Eve!
We don't even have the same political views, although we are both broadly left wing we disagree on lots of things.
We don't even want the exact same things out of life-I am quite ambitious and am happiest in a city and he isn't particularly driven work-wise and would be happiest living in a tiny village, although I can compromise on that one as long as I can get to a city fairly often.
I'm not sure what keeps us together! I guess it's what we both don't share? Neither of us care what other people think, or about having loads of flash stuff, or titles at work, or designer clothes or anything like that.
We both have strong feelings about social justice and social responsibility and generally trying to do the right thing by people I guess, so yes I agree that it's shared values that matter.

Interesting question this. I think a lot depends on what kind of relationship you want to have. Some people expect to spend every possible waking moment with their partner, and if that's what you want you'd better have a lot in common! Others are more comfortable with a relationship in which you each go off and do things on your own whenever you like.

I think the comments about shared values are important, and they become even more important if you have children because they inform your decisions about how to raise the children. Things like religion (or not), the relative value of hard work vs relaxed enjoyment of the present, tolerance of different kinds of people, socio-political attitudes. Intractable differences here can be much more of a problem than whether you both like reggae.

If you're talking with a view to long term marriage, children and the whole package, I think another very simple thing which is often overlooked is the practicalities of how you want to live your life. Do you want to devote as much energy as possible to making money and having a comfortable lifestyle? Is it more important to you to have free time to enjoy? Do you want to travel a lot? Do you need to go out a lt and have a wide circle of friends, or are you happier at home in front of the telly? Are you comfortable with a lifestyle dominated by electronic devices, gaming etc. and raising your children within that, or would you rather place limits on it? How important is physical exercise / outdoor pursuits and keeping healthy to you? Do you drink? Take drugs? Which ones and how much?

Most people seem to just assume that their answers to these questions are "normal" and will be shared by a partner, or that if they're not shared the conflict will be manageable, or will be resolved over time as they manage to change their partner and make them come round to seeing what's "right". But they rarely are.

This is really the sort of thing that should be taught in PSHE in schools. If it were then the divorce rate would probably be much lower.

There was a thread on here recently asking how you spend your evenings if you're in a long term relationship. The OP and her husband didn't like watching the same TV programs, so they spent every evening in different rooms in the same house which seemed really sad to me

I don’t think they’re hugely important, but it also depends on what type of person you are.

We both like sport, I hate football (he likes it), he doesn’t like any sport apart from football, I play rugby he will sometimes watch me play, a bit like going to watch your kid in a crap play, you only go to see them.
We like different TV shows/films, but we both like nature docs.
We’re both exercise, but we don’t do the same, he just cycles I do a variety of things.
Different tastes in music.
Like different holidays, but neither of us are awkward so taking turns to pick holiday types isn’t an issue, he had by some miracle agreed to come to the Bingham Cup to watch me play, obviously now cancelled.
I like playing piano, he has as much musical talent as Vicki B.

We don’t have many shared loves, but our values, wants for the future etc are fairly similar and line up well.

That's the sort of thing I mean in values OP. Ramblin has it, when she mentions same moral compass. DH and I laugh a lot together, are kind to each other, even in stressful circumstances, and we love each other. Sounds simple, trite and boring. This is not my first marriage, and I think it's why I value this stuff more now, having lived with an absence of it.

Values yes, as other pps say. I'd also say that sharing a similar sense of humour is pretty important too.

Sometimes having very different interests is a good thing, because it allows you to be yourself as an individual. I've a hobby where the people know me as just me, rather than someone's mum or someone's wife.

Thanks a lot for all your answers - they have been really interesting and provided lots of food for thought.