I can't live with him!

[Whatdoiwantt]

This could be a long post so thank you in advance for reading..

I have been with my partner about 16 months, we knew each other for a few years before and had always been really good friends and when we both became single at the same time it just kind of happened naturally and I really thought we were 'meant to be' (🤮 lol)
I fell pregnant 3 months into our relationship and we now have a beautiful 4 month old baby girl.

Not long after I fell pregnant we decided to move in together, we were both back home living with our parents and having a baby on the way it just made sense to get our own place and set up home for our little arrival.
But now we live together, I just can't put up with him, he's just so lazy!
We've had lots of arguments, talks and discussions about house work but it just never sticks - apart from that he agreed to do all washing up, which he does ONCE a day, usually in the morning so everything from the day before is scattered around the sink until he can be bothered to clean up.😷 I used to give in and do it sooner but I'm not doing everything for him anymore!
When we discuss housework he will say he will chip in more, that he'll wash clothes and cook etc. Everytime he will put a load of washing in ONCE and then its forgotten about, I end up rewashing it and emptying the washer then he doesn't even try again.
Another irritating clothing he does, when he comes home at any point he'll go upstairs to get changed into comfy clothes, the clothes he takes off always get laid out on the bed on 'my side' of the bed then when he goes to bed he moves the clothes from the bed to the top of the chest of drawers we have and lays them out on there if they can be reworn or chucked in the corner if dirty. The room is a constant mess! His shoes are always in the middle of the floor, his dressing gown dumped on the floor or on the end of my side of the bed, why is it so hard to put stuff away!?
When he isn't working, he works 8.30-4.30 and is currently working from home, he sits in bed watching films, very rarely sits downstairs with me and even eats up there too!🤮
I feel like we are housemates and I have pulled the short straw and have to share a bed with him!
I hate living with him and dont see anything changing, I hoped it might once our baby came but nope. If anything it's worse because there is more stuff to do around the house and less time to do it.

He does help with the baby a little, he gets up for her first bottle (between half 5 and half 6 - he always got up at 6 for work so he said it wasn't any different for him getting up). And while I'm cooking our tea he takes her for a while and on a weekend when hes not working he will take her so i can get on top of any housework that i haven't managed to do through the week.

I don't know what I really want from posting this, maybe just to let it all out or some advice? Has anyone been with anyone like this? Did anything ever change?
I don't want to be a single parent but I also dont feel like I'm in a relationship either?
I just feel so alone and lockdown is just highlighting things even more!

He wears a dressing gown?

Seriously though, he needs to be made aware that its breaking point for you. He doesn't think his mess is a big deal. Let him know its something you would move out over (if it is) or split over (if it is).

This won't change unless he realises how serious an issue this has become.

and an hour free while I cook
I'm glad you recognise that you get zero free time already. He takes the baby:

• whilst you cook
• whilst you clean
• at 6:30am for one bottle.

That's it.

No great loss and I'm sure you will feel a whole lot better without him in the house.

As you both used to live with your parents I would ask him to
move out now or go to your parents yourself. The resentment is a killer!!!

I am messy (do pick up after myself but DH is a neat minimalist) but do a thorough clean and DH is very tidy but a bit crap at cleaning. Between us we shared the load...

why don’t you do up a rota.

To be honest, two adults and one baby, there must be fuck all cleaning!

I slept on the sofa from around 5months pregnant as I just couldnt face going into the bedroom with all his mess

And he let you, rather than be caring and respectful enough of his PREGNANT partner to actually tidy up a bit?!

Leave him. This isn't just about different standards or living habits. This is about a selfish, entitled, immature person who doesn't care about his family or relationships enough to even show the most basic respect or pull his weight in the team.

The quicker you split, the less likely it is that you'll actually end up thoroughly despising the father of your child.

So you have TWO babies?

Give him an ultimatum. Be honest with how appalled and disgusted you are with his behaviour. If he STILL refuses to change, then you have to seriously rethink if you want to continue this relationship.

He wears a dressing gown?
I dont know why this made me laugh so much😂

I'm glad you recognise that you get zero free time already.
And when he does take the baby I feel so guilty that I've had to ask him!?

I'm going to ask him to leave as soon as he can, his mum is in a high risk group so I'm not sure he can go stay there just yet

The quicker you split, the less likely it is that you'll actually end up thoroughly despising the father of your child.
I think this is why I'm airing this now to get some advice, I don't want to get to the point of despising him when we have a child together. I think we would get along more if we separate to be honest.

To be honest, two adults and one baby, there must be fuck all cleaning!
No theres not alot but when its left for days and he can't put anything back where he found it, its soon piled up. I guess it's more the tidying than cleaning in a sense?

I could create so much mess without much effort!

Yep if he never tidies or puts away after himself I can imagine the place looks a state and the resentment is sky high.

@RandomMess I'm not a neat freak either, I just want to be able to walk to my bed without tripping up over his charger or his shoes, to be able to get in my drawers without his clothes falling off the top of the chest.

I dont think I can live with someone again, its put me off for life!

Don't blame you!!!

why don’t you do up a rota.

Or he could, maybe, pick up after himself like a normal, functioning adult.

You’ve made the right choice OP!

He just isn't interested, he wants you to take the place of his mother. I'm thinking better to lerave now, sooner than later.
He doesn't sound very interested especially when he said I'll move out agter lockdown then, no intention of resolving anything.

It does sound like this isn't a good long term thing. When you say he eats upstairs, is this you cooking for him and then he takes it up? I would stop that right now.

I used to be with a man like this. Clothes all over the place, the floor was so dirty your feet would stick to the floor, and he'd use all his cutlery until he ran out before he'd attempt washing up, and even then he'd wash up like a blind man. It was an absolute joke.

I had a baby with him and left for other reasons when our baby was 3 months old. It's a shame for our daughter, but I certainly don't miss living in a pit.

So me and DP have been in similar position except instead of a baby it’s lockdown that’s thrown us together (long story!). It got to the point where I sat him down and said I don’t want a relationship like this, we need to have a cleaning rota. Sounds anal, but it worked. We wrote what jobs need doing and who is doing what, and how often, trying to make it fair. It’s on the wall lol. Now I no longer want to murder him (for the time being ;) But I can empathise with you and if he hadn’t changed I def would have left him. Unfortunately most men are socialised to have grown up seeing their mum doing most of the housework so expect the woman to do most of it in their relationship. The world needs women like us to tell them it’s unacceptable!

You sound like you have the ick, and I don't blame you.
I'd end it as soon as possible. It won't improve!

@Whatdoiwantt
I think you've given this relationship a good effort so far - it's a shame your partner is too lazy, immature and selfish go do the same.

I'm going to ask him to leave as soon as he can, his mum is in a high risk group so I'm not sure he can go stay there just yet
Good decision. In the interim it's really his turn to sleep in the sofa - you did it whilst 5 months pregnant. Doesn't matter if it's too small for him - let him work out how to make it work - or not.

Enjoy having a clean and tidy bedroom - I'm assuming your baby is in there with you, so you? If the baby has her own room then he can sleep there instead and the baby is in the main bedroom with you.

Good luck OP.

Well.. it came to a head last night, he stropped out of the room like a teenager and I lost it and told him I was done, I couldn't live like this any longer, and he literally said OKAY! 🤦🏻‍♀️
I just know i made the right decision now, he can't even fight for his family, I asked him this morning if he had anything else to say about it and he said that he 'respects me enough to give me what I want' LOL cheers

He'd rather move out than clean up after himself? Maybe he was looking for a reason to escape family life anyway? You telling him to leave means he can leave because YOU want it, salving his conscience and then you're the 'bad guy' to friends and family.

Crafty bugger isn't he?

Oh and leaving you to clean and tidy his shit shows a complete LACK of respect for you.

It's probably for the best OP.

What's the housing situation? Can you get the lock changed?

I would leave before your child gets much older. There will always be a reason to stay but it sounds like you don't like each other very much. Living in a bedsit or with your parents is better than living with this selfish man.

Why don't you have set jobs each and thsts what you must both stick too. Thsts fair

I definitely think he's been waiting for me to say it so he didnt have to and makes me to look the bad guy to his mummy.

He's going to move out, doesn't want me and baby to have to move and the house we have is very close to my parents so I dont really want to leave here either so glad he's going.

Oh and leaving you to clean and tidy his shit shows a complete LACK of respect for you.
Said this to him too and he just ignored that I said it which I knew he would.

I feel so relieved for saying it!

Why don't you have set jobs each and thsts what you must both stick too. Thsts fair

Tried this.. nothing came of it. We are way past that point now unfortunately