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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Blown it

119 replies

Willowmartha1 · 17/05/2020 19:59

Gutted, met the man that I had met a couple of times before lockdown for a socially distanced walk today with my daughter who he has already met and liked and as the walk was quite long she got fed up and started to moan a bit (she is asd) he then got knocky and annoyed and we headed back. Thought it was the beginning of a beautiful friendship when we first met now it looks like it's all over before it's really begun. Thinks he's realised that he's better off with someone who doesn't have children.

OP posts:

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Nikhedonia · 19/05/2020 23:04

It was just a bad decision. It doesn't make you a bad mother.

ChandlerIsTheBestFriend · 19/05/2020 23:09

Oh stop being so immature! You made a poor decision. You know that. Stop sulking because others have pointed it out. You’re an adult, recognise when you’ve made a mistake and move on.

LilyMarshall · 19/05/2020 23:12

Dont have potential dates meet your child again so soon.

rosecreakybex · 20/05/2020 11:25

This is an argument against the whole waiting for kids to meet your boyfriend thing.

It's important you found this out before getting really involved.

So was he trying to make conversation and being ignored or was he also being silent then complaining about not being spoken to?

Sounds weird. And never accept "I was joking" we can recognise a joke. This is a bit gaslighting... and passive aggressive

rosecreakybex · 20/05/2020 11:27

Sorry I posted before reading whole thread - why are people saying too soon to meet? Surely this whole situation is exactly why you should have them meet?!

ChandlerIsTheBestFriend · 20/05/2020 11:31

This is an argument against the whole waiting for kids to meet your boyfriend thing.

I guarantee you if OP hadn’t introduced her DD at all for (say) 6 months, he would have revealed enough of his personality by that stage for OP to have realised he wasn’t a keeper. Someone who sulks on date 5 because a child is upset would have revealed that aspect of their personality anyway to OP even without the child. He would have sulked with OP over something else.

Children should never be used to test a brand new dating partner. For the child’s sake.

rosecreakybex · 20/05/2020 11:38

I don't agree, a man can be perfectly charming in the relationship but shite with the kids

Plus it's good now for OP's dd to see her mum walking away from something that's not right

Nikhedonia · 20/05/2020 11:41

This is an argument against the whole waiting for kids to meet your boyfriend thing.

Any consideration being given to what's in the best interests of the child? They shouldn't be exposed to their parents dating life, I'm no psychologist but I would wonder about the mental impact on a child to seeing their parent have multiple short term partners and how they would view their "role" as the relationship thermometer.

It's the parents responsibility to get to know their potential partner properly and assess suitability. No need to introduce them to their children the 5th time they've met, FFS.

Nikhedonia · 20/05/2020 11:42

Plus it's good now for OP's dd to see her mum walking away from something that's not right

That would be quite insightful for an 8 year old...

rosecreakybex · 20/05/2020 11:43

Not really, I dont mean she'd be cognitively aware of it but of course kids pick up on this stuff and build a picture of relationships

ChandlerIsTheBestFriend · 20/05/2020 11:47

I don't agree, a man can be perfectly charming in the relationship but shite with the kids

Disagree- there are always signs. It’s up to the mother to fine tune her radar. You don’t just get to be lazy and shove a child in front of him to see how he reacts.

Plus it's good now for OP's dd to see her mum walking away from something that's not right

And how many times do you think the child should be exposed to new men to get this experience?

rosecreakybex · 20/05/2020 11:48

I'm probably projecting a bit as I met a man and dated him for a year before he met my daughter. When they did meet there were clear signs it wasn't going to work - nothing awful or abusive or neglectful.. he just couldn't relate to children. He said he could - he had one of his own!

Anyway by that point I was totally in love and just told myself that because he wasn't unkind to dd we'd just muddle through. We separated after 8 years and my dd is grown up now. She doesn't have bad memories as such but she tells me now that she never really felt quite like they connected.

I won't make that mistake again!

rosecreakybex · 20/05/2020 11:49

I really want a family man who is totally at home in a family environment and that's very difficult to judge without seeing it.

category12 · 20/05/2020 11:50

If you have your kid along to test your dates, you're going to be giving them some interesting messages. You're introducing a procession of "mummy's friends", some of whom you might regret exposing the dc to. You don't want them being able to see your kid on the street and say "I'm x, remember me, I'll give you a lift?" etc.

Plus, you can't talk openly, you are constantly keeping an eye on them, and you're missing out on adult activities. You're skipping forward too fast.

Of course it's important that your dc get along with a guy and that he's going to be good with them, but crikey, date first, have some child free fun.

Nikhedonia · 20/05/2020 11:50

Yes, but I doubt the 'picture she is building' is going to be one where women walk away from things that aren't right for them, unless OP property explains what happened.

And let's walk through that...

"Oh no darling, I won't be seeing him again because I'm not sure that he handled your tantrum in the park that well. I need someone who is going to be more accepting of you."

I wonder what a child would take from a conversation like that?

rosecreakybex · 20/05/2020 11:52

I like the confidence that people have I'm imagining a "procession" of men

rosecreakybex · 20/05/2020 11:54

To get to a 4th or 5th date is pretty bloody rare. You'd be talking one guy every 8 months... maybe over a year or longer.

category12 · 20/05/2020 11:55

Well, how many first few dates actually go the distance? It's a sorting process, isn't it? Wheat from the chaff.

Nikhedonia · 20/05/2020 11:55

@rosecreakybex are you the OP? Have you NC'd?

rosecreakybex · 20/05/2020 11:59

No I post a fair bit on here

Nikhedonia · 20/05/2020 11:59

To get to a 4th or 5th date is pretty bloody rare. You'd be talking one guy every 8 months... maybe over a year or longer.

Why would getting to a 4th or 5th date be rare? And why one guy every 8 months?

Nikhedonia · 20/05/2020 12:02

So if you aren't the OP, why would it be rare for the OP (or the other single parents you are advocating introducing every Tom, Dick and Harry to their children) to get to a 4th or 5th date?

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ChandlerIsTheBestFriend · 20/05/2020 12:03

So you’d be happy to introduce your child to a new man every 8 months??

rosecreakybex · 20/05/2020 12:04

Because that's what the Op said didn't she? It was the 5th time... and I'm saying that's about when I'd introduce them too

Have you been on the dating scene? I've been single 3 years and I've had 2 men whom I've got that far in to things with...

Nikhedonia · 20/05/2020 12:08

Have you been on the dating scene?

Yes, I have and as a single parent.

When I first split with DD's dad I had dates with 3 guys. The first didn't go beyond a first date. The second we had about 5 or 6 dates and the third became a serious relationship. And no, I didn't introduce him to my DD until I had truly dissed him out and was sure that he was going to be a part of my life.

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