Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Relationship with ex’s mum

42 replies

coronade · 17/05/2020 16:47

Just wondered how many people still have a relationship with their ex partners/husbands mum after you split? Did problems occur once you started to move on with your life?
I’m finding it hard as although ex had an affair and was emotionally abusive his mum (he is an only child) thinks the sun still shines out of his backside and doesn’t want me to talk about him at all (I obviously don’t have anything nice to say). She doesn’t know he used to say he wished he was an orphan and the 20mins with her once a week when he dropped her home was hell.
She can be very woe is me and hard done by (her social life is 100 times better than mine) and sulks over the slightest thing. She is on the phone to me every day and gets the hump if I don’t answer. Pre lock down she came over every week. I’m really not sure how much of a relationship I want to have with her once lockdown ends.
I know if she gets ill in the future my ex will want to dump the responsibility on me. He’s also planning a future with the women he had an affair with and I don’t want to hear about their new life from her or have her telling him anything about mine. Is it normal to feel like this or am I just being mean.

OP posts:

tamsintamsout · 17/05/2020 16:50

Do you have children who she’s a grandparent of? If not I can’t see why you would stay in touch, she doesn’t sound pleasant.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/05/2020 16:52

You're not mean and I would be putting an end to this relationship. She's not your MIL anymore, and she brings no value to your life. It's time for both of you to move on.

Bunnymumy · 17/05/2020 16:53

Basically she is a cow who you no longer have to have anything to do with. Even if you have kids with her son I would reduce contact to bare minimum. If there are no kids then block her everywhere and don't open the door if she comes knocking. Cause she has nothing to do with you anymore. Neither does he. Delete and block.

Devlesko · 17/05/2020 16:54

I know if she gets ill in the future my ex will want to dump the responsibility on me

Surely, his new partner should be doing this.
In fact why are you bothering with her, she's an ex almost mil.
Let your ex facilitate contact with grandchildren and just block her.
You can't move on whilst she's still in your life, and she can befriend ow now.
Suggest she asks for her number next time she calls.

Bunnymumy · 17/05/2020 16:55

...not even his new partner: HIM. His mum, his responsibility.

Original poster

coronade · 17/05/2020 16:56

I have two grown up children.
One instance pre lockdown was my friend helped my daughter out (gave up her afternoon for a college project). My ExMil had done the same a few weeks prior to this. I bought my friend a small bunch of flowers to say thanks. Mil then moaned she hadn’t been given any when she helped out (sorry but isn’t that what grandparents should want to do) and sulked for the rest of the day. When my daughter came in she knew straight away something was up and said “why’s Nan gone mute”!
Non of us sulk and I find it so childish and frustrating.

OP posts:

ComeOnGordon · 17/05/2020 16:58

I have a relationship with my ex MIL - she was in my life for 20 years so it would seem strange to just cut her off completely. I don’t see her very often since they live a couple of hours away but it’s nice when we do get together and I know she’s saddened by her son’s behaviour towards me (he had an affair too). I think it’s also nice for the kids to see that the relationships can continue.

BUT - that your ex MiL phones every day is over the top and if she wants to take the huff because you didn’t answer then let her. You’re not responsible for her moods

Windyatthebeach · 17/05/2020 16:59

Just be less available and back away. Lockdown is a great opportunity to weed shite people out of your life...

Bunnymumy · 17/05/2020 17:02

Auch you're laughing then! No need at all to see her or the ex. Your kids can facilitate contact with them if they wish. Just make it clear that you want to be left out of it in future. And that neither are welcome in your home.

You could tell the mother in law 'I know you love your son but I was miserable with him and unfortunately you serve as a reminder to that unhappy time in my life so I will respectfully, be ending contact between us. I hope you can respect that. All the best'. Delete and block.

Bunnymumy · 17/05/2020 17:05

Though I would have a bash at dropping contact first without saying anything. But if she keeps at you, tell her.

category12 · 17/05/2020 17:06

Well, you need to stop the fatalistic I know if she gets ill in the future my ex will want to dump the responsibility on me. She's not your responsibility and there's no reason you should have as much contact with her as you do. If you loved her and enjoyed her company, that would be fine, but if you don't, fgs stop being so available to her and create some distance.

Your dc are adults: they can manage their own relationships with their grandmother and father.

Bunnymumy · 17/05/2020 17:08

But drastic maybe, but you could move a bit further away too. So she can't just pop round.

Pinkypops2020 · 17/05/2020 17:11

My in laws were in my life for 25 years and live down the road. After a horrific divorce between my ex and myself, it just became too hard to maintain a relationship so I disengaged with all of his family.
There was too much said during the divorce and at the end of the day his mother will always take his side (as most mothers' would), no matter what a complete knob he has/is being.

SimonJT · 17/05/2020 17:14

My MIL was in my life for about four years before we came a couple, our relationship ended about three years ago and we’re still close. She’s the nearest ‘thing’ I have to a parent and she’s my sons Grandma.

There’s not a one size fits all, it’s about finding a balance that works for you.

Original poster

coronade · 17/05/2020 17:29

category12, your totally right. One of my worse traits, which I definitely need to stop, is trying to please other people and keep them happy when I’m not.

OP posts:

Greenkit · 17/05/2020 17:39

If she was kind and loving and understood her son's failings, then fail enough.

But she sounds like a needy grump....move on

SandyY2K · 17/05/2020 20:13

You have no reason to maintain a relationship with her, as your kids are grown up.

She is on the phone to me every day and gets the hump if I don’t answer.

Keep on ignoring and hopefully she'll get the message.

AgentJohnson · 19/05/2020 06:44

Cut the cord! Your children can have a relationship with her independent of you. I suspect that she has a poor relationship with her son and you’re a surrogate.

AlwaysCheddar · 19/05/2020 07:46

You don’t have to put up with this! Calls every day from your ex’s mum... whose a cow. No way!!!

unicornsarereal72 · 19/05/2020 08:13

What role do you want to play in her life? Your children are adults and you don't need to facilitate contact.

My ex mil was in my life for 14 years and we were very close. It broke me more that our relationship would have to change when ex left. I love her like a mother

She saw her sons faults and was very supportive of me and the children. He stopped contact with his mother so after a nearly a year of not visiting I took the children. Their relationship with them should not be damaged because their dad chooses to not see his parents.

I can see how my relationship makes it harder for my ex. But he has made little effort with his own family for the past three years now. I do wonder when I meet someone new how that would work. But will cross that bridge when I come to it. I want ex mil in my life. However that looks.

Cherrysoup · 19/05/2020 08:43

She talks to you every day? That would drive me nuts. Stop answering the phone.

Starlightstarbright1 · 19/05/2020 08:46

Your children are grown no need to see her.

Dontbeme · 19/05/2020 08:53

@coronade I remember your previous threads and read what this man put your through, do you think he is using his mum to keep an eye on what you are up to? He acted awfully towards you, you need to cut this woman out of your life and let her ring the ow for chats instead, your obligations to his family are over.

Original poster

coronade · 19/05/2020 09:37

The daily phone calls do drive me nuts as I have nothing to tell her (she just keeps ringing if I don’t answer). She is only just in the stay in grp (had ex young) but still goes out shopping every week (I do get stuff for her and ds drops it off) sees a friend every day in her garden and another friend a few times a week.
My ex is moving in with her soon (should be next mth) so I’m hoping the daily calls will stop then. Yes I do worry she will tell ex stuff. She does now. I have dd going mad at me as he’s said something to her (that his mums told him) and she doesn’t want him knowing what she’s doing etc.
I think i’m still angry with mil and it’s affected how I feel about her. She acted like the breakup was all about her at the start and was really off with me and the kids. Now she thinks we should all be over it and not mention it again (and definitely not tell anyone how abusive her son was and that he had an affair). Not once has she asked how I am or asked the kids how they have been with all the upheaval.

OP posts:

Windyatthebeach · 19/05/2020 14:14

Jeez she is nuts!! My mil didn't even have my phone number when me and exh were together!!.

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread