Been seeing someone but they are still active on dating sites

[WishIWasARunner]

I know its all personal choice when you come off but we've had 4 dates and have a fair amount of contact each day. I deleted my dating app as I felt we had something going for us and I couldn't be bothered keeping it open when I'm not interested in looking for anyone else while getting to know him. I told him I came off and why. He is still on them and I know has matched and responded to someone today (he doesn't know I know.... its my friend!). Just feels a bit whats the point getting to know someone if they want to keep options open and possibly see others. Maybe its just the norm. I don't know. I'm not comfortable with it. I guess I'll have to say something

How are you having dates at this time?

I met my DP online. Spent a month chatting online/WhatsApp. Then spent a month getting to know each other face to face. After a month we made it official and at this point we both came off OLD. Although since our first date neither of us were chatting to any one else.

I think if he is genuinely into you then he shouldn't be looking elsewhere. That would be a no no for me.

How are you having dates at this time?

This really.

It is normal for some not for others. It certainly isn’t uncommon to not want to put all your eggs in one basket

I kinda think ppl can continue to keep seeing others until either they start sleeping with you (more than once) or you have the exclusivity 'we are together' talk. Neither of these I would expect after 4 dates.

Maybe by date 8ish...?
Or minimum of 2 months in (under normal circumstances where you've been seeing them in person all that time).

I know some ppl move faster to be fair. And you're kinda talking about a step between seeing other ppl and outright exclusivity... but the thing is, you dont get to dictate who ppl see until you are exclusive. Some ppl might have stopped seeing others by now. Some might still be reluctant to let go of opportunities incase you two dont work out.

You could always just ask him if he would be ok with you both no longer seeing other ppl going forward, as you feel it is getting serious. If he says no, then you probably just arent suited...or on the same page.

If you have a boundary regarding relationships you need to share it with the person you’re in a relationship with. If they agree to it, great. If they don’t you decide whether to stop the relationship or not. If you don’t communicate, the two of you don’t know what your different expectations are.

Tell him that. Tell him that whilst you've only started seeing each other, you're not comfortable with him still chatting to other women and if he wants to continue doing that then you don't want to carry on.

Did you get your friend to match and message him ??

If you want an exclusive relationship, tell him. He may not be ready for that which is not unreasonable but honesty is important. Four dates is nothing! I do think he was out of order dating or trying to date your friend though - did he know she was your friend?

I have to say, how anyone actually dates at this time is beyond me.

You came off the app after 4 dates and told him? That’s way too soon in my opinion. You haven’t agreed to be exclusive so he’s done nothing wrong. I didn’t become exclusive with my dp until after 9 dates. In the nicest way possible you seem overly keen and it doesn’t sound like you’re both on the same page.

He's arranged to meet my friend., he doesn't know I know her. I'm obviously too old school (and bloody old) in that I feel if you are dating someone to get to know them that you don't date other people at the same time. Ah well, I give up. Staying single is so much more simple

It's very normal to date multiple people. Until you're exclusive, and have both agreed it, it's fair game.
Talk to him about what he is doing with other people and set your boundaries.

How can he meet your friend right now? He shouldn't be physically dating anyone.

I ditched a lovely guy for this. I have clear boundaries, so do you, stick to them no matter the current thinking in what's acceptable. A month or so later I met the love of my life!

After 4 dates I'd assume it was an exclusive or at least heading that way. After 4 dates I think you have a pretty clear picture if you really like someone or not.

You told him you were deleting the app, he could have been honest there and said I'm not yet.

If it were me I'd cut him off.

I'd ditch them both. Your 'friend' has agreed to meet this guy for a date knowing you've started seeing him? Some friend!

Guys on dating sites often have a sweet shop mentality and will date lots of women at the same time and/or flit from woman to woman. I know there are some exceptions to the rule but they are very hard to find.

This wouldn't sit well with me either after 4 dates. I'd be getting rid and finding someone who is less of a player personally

Until you've 'both' decided to become exclusive there's really nothing wrong in him keeping his options open. Obviously if you've both decided to enter a relationship then it's only fair to suspend your dating activity. I would be questioning your friends integrity at first rather than his by accepting a date with someone your dating!

Again, what's with all this dating and meeting at this time?

We'll seeing as no one can actually "date" right now I can't see how he's able to "date" all these people and your friend???

I'm pretty sure Devon is still under lockdown rules...

Someone I know has recently hooked up with a woman he met on Tinder. He is also caring for his 80 year old DM too..

You could ask your friend to ask if he's seeing anyone at the moment- if he lies then obviously it's the end IMO.

He's being a bit dodgy and doing stuff behind your back, if he's actively messaging people and arranging to meet. I think I would mention it to him and say you're not happy with it, you could say that you know as one of the people he messaged is a friend. As a PP said, when you said you were coming off would've been his opportunity to say he's not ready yet (though I can imagine how it would feel to be dating someone and they said that; as you say, we must be old school.)

OP it doesnt look good. Its true that until you're exclusive people can see who they want, but from my miserable online dating experiences I've found that if he's still online, he's still looking. Keep looking for other fellas too because you can gurantee he's looking to meet other girls. Online dating has made us completely disposable to men it seems.