Anyone have a shy bf/partner? Or is anyone shy themselves?

[Louise000000]

Can anyone help me understand the mind of a shy person. I am a very confident person. Not in a conceited way!
My bf of 6 months is shy. He has admitted he still gets shy in front of me.
In what way would he feel shy in front of me? Like I wouldn't like him saying x y or z? Like I would be judging him? I really want to get my head round this one as I really want this relationship to work. But small things do crop up and our brains and processing things in a completely different way and I just wish I would understand how his head works a bit more.
Is anyone shy themselves and what is it like? What is it like when you are with your partner?
My bf is very affectionate in texts and gives loads of compliments in texts but rarely in real life and I'm 100% sure it's the shyness.
He can also say how he feels about me through texts or even calls to a certain extent but I think he struggles in real life.
I have no problem saying how I feel, giving him compliments in person etc but I do get that not everyone is like this.
Just looking for some insight really, would be interested to hear from shy people or those with shy people!

Louise, I think to comes from having too much internal dialogue in the moment and not wanting to come out with something that doesn’t truly represent your inner self. It takes some time to process that and in the meantime you feel tied in knots. This happens to me a lot, even professionally, where I can usually stall and say ‘can I come back to you with my thoughts on that?’.

In a romantic context ... pfft, it’s tough, getting those (strong) emotions and thoughts in order because shy people do not enter relationships lightly at all. It won’t be your judgements that are blocking him, it’ll be his own and they are in turn connected to feelings of shame. And those things go back a long way.

Shit that was hard to write. Hope it helps. I’ll give it more thought and come back if anything else crystallises.

Thanks for that honesty @felttippedpen i really want this to work with him.
That makes alot of sense, he likes to sit quietly at times where as I chatter away. Then out of the blue he just says something so interesting or relevant so that makes me think he prefers to speak when it matters rather than drivel. I like that alot. He's also a brilliant listener!
(My stbxh just talks one lot of crap and I just have to switch off at times!!)

I know how much I mean to him, it's just because I show my affection by giving loads of cuddles and kisses and touching and telling him how much I like him etc and he does not show things in the same way and I end up wondering if he feels the same or not!
This is just how I am as a person and I'm the same with my kids, I shower them with affection, that's just how I express myself.
But I do realise that not everyone does this. Or has the confidence to just go up and kiss someone or cuddle someone.
Really interested hearing it from another perspective thanks

Oh this is me. I'm an incredibly shy and anxious person. I've always been told i come across as very cold and distant to begin with. I'm really not, I'm ver affectionate with those close to me.

However i also find it a lot easier to express my self via text, i get really shy and awkward and everything gets jumbled and doesn't come out the way i want it to. So text's ect give me time to write what i want and how i would like it to sound.

I've been with my partner for a year now and only just feel comfortable sitting and talking with his parent's. Just give him time it may just take him a little longer, but also don't think because he says it via a message he doesn't mean what he's saying

Thanks for your honesty too @flower8 it was only recently when he explained a bit more about him being shy that the penny really dropped for me. Up until now I've thought he was emotionally unavailable, not interested, couldnt be bothered making effort, the list goes on..... Now I've just realised he's just very shy and struggles with things which I find very easy.
So for example I've already told him I love him and he's not said anything back (which I expected) I wear my heart on my sleeve and when I feel it, I say it! Now it did hurt a bit not hearing it back, but would I be right to assume he did have strong feelings for me and his shyness put him on the spot when I said it and he was kind of like caught off guard? I've been feeling that he's in love with me for ages now, his attentiveness, what he does say through text etc is leading me to believe he's very very into me!

Just bumping this up if anyone else wants to add in

Maybe consider reading the book the 5 love languages :)

Will have a look!

I am shy about somethings, mostly things to do with the opposite sex. I’m too shy to kiss but will have see no problem. If you knew me in real life you’d never think I was shy about anything.

@sugartitss is it a fear of being rejected when you are shy to kiss? So are you confident enough initiating sex do you mean?

My husband was so shy I could even tell he when he wanted to say something but when he finally said it he didnt make much sense. A few months in he became himself. And he was very funny. He wasnt like this with other relationships he just fancied me alot and was afraid he would say something silly and put me off. He cringed now looking back

Louise, yes there is an element of anxiety initiating but that was something I overcame. I think there are different kinds of reticence - mine have always occurred around emotional intimacy and revealing feelings.

I was at my least shy when in the moment kissing or in bed as it felt like touch and closeness were the deepest and purest ways I could express love to my partner. Sometimes I wished we could simply lie together, to just be and touch.

Where I struggled was with emotional discussions so for example my partner talked about something that had happened to her that made her feel unloved and it made my heart break for her and at the same time drove my mind into overdrive. Why was she saying that to me ? Was she feeling unloved right then ? Was she saying she didn't think I loved her ? How had I managed to not get that across to her ?

I've learned now to follow my instinct (or love language as a pp mentioned) and just reach out with an embrace and try to let the second guessing settle down.

Right so is patience the key here?
Trying my best to understand him, also scared that our differences will mean that issues will keep cropping up.
Kind of feel like i want someone who will just come up and grab me in for a cuddle and say 'I fucking love you' but coming to terms with the face that my man will probably never do this!

Fact*

I don't suppose you can find a way to tell him that's what you want without it feeling like he must do it or he would be failing you ?

I'd be uneasy to do what you wish for here for reasons of not being sure whether it'd be unwanted or be unreciprocated, in a new relationship. If you could reinforce it in a positive way when he does meet such needs you have (e.g: 'I love it when ...') I'm sure that will disperse some of the blocking thoughts.

I realise I am assuming he has these thoughts based on myself and it might be worthwhile asking him about that. I feel that if asked about this by someone I cared about I would tell them and it would be a weight off. Of course I would also worry that it would sour the relationship. That's the nature of overthinking and anxiety.

He says things along the lines of 'this is just how I am and I don't know how to change' I'm not wanting to try and change the guy. I want to learn to love him for who he is, but I worry is this enough for what I need.

@FeltTippedPen do you prefer your partner to take the lead? I feel like I'm too full on for him at times. I'm an over thinker too! My head is Mince just now.

Neither of us took the lead in emotional intimacy as we were very similar in that respect but I was more expressive through touch and could take the lead there. You could ask him (gently by text) to let you know if he ever feels like you're being too full on.

If you don't want to change him and he doesn't want to change you and you're both attracted to each other that sounds to me like a good place to be. It may just need a few little tweaks and hints and he will open up over time as with the pp's partner.

So would you say in general, shy people just need the time and the reassurance to come out of their shells?

Apologies I missed this questiom - was just browsing, wondering if anyone else had something to say....

Yes, I think if it is just shyness of the form in which he is overwhelmed by his feelings for you as it seems with the pp then yes, time and reassurance will work.

If it’s anxiety and shame related it’s a very different kettle of fish and I think counselling/therapeutic intervention would help. It doesn’t sound like this is the case based on the messaging though.

I had a recurring pattern where I would freeze and block myself and that turned out to be related to some very traumatic events. I would caution that if this is the case compliments and reassurances can be quite difficult things to hear when combined with feelings of not being good enough.

Some people are not just shy they form insecure attachments and this can make them hard work as partners if they don't change because they want to. Take a look at some attachment and relationship videos on you tube by the college of life.