Can't cope any more

[Jac28]

I'm stuck in a situation of my own making, and don't feel I can cope anymore.

I'll try to keep it brief, I've been married for nearly 20 years, have 2 teenagers and my father lives with us. OH has always been terrible with money, even lying about buying expensive things like motorbikes and cars. I'd always let it go in time and muddle through.

Five years ago, discovered he was on
dating websites for cross dressers, and was a couple of thousand pounds in debt. Confronted him, told him I didn't want to be with him anymore. He begged and pleaded to let him stay while he changed.

I allowed him to and we drifted on, I constantly stumbled over money he'd spent, the websites he was on and in the end it just felt like the norm. Until I discovered he had sent money to his ex. I confronted him and ask he said was that he didn't think it was a problem as we had some spare cash.

I can't leave as we live in my dad's house, but we rent out our old house. He told me to get the tenants out and he would go. I did that a while ago but due to one thing and another, and my own cowardice, I didn't tell him. He's just found out and is being very reasonable, but is talking about renting it out again.

I really want out of this relationship, but just don't feel strong enough to tell him to go. The house is in a bit of a state so don't feel I can ask him to go there, can't do anything to fix it because of the situation and can't cope with the feelings of guilt. I feel guilty about hurting him, upsetting the kids, making them visit the other house. I feel its better that I am unhappy than upsetting everyone else.

Feel like I'm at the end of the line

It's not a situation of your making - he's the dishonest feckless one that's ruined the relationship.

He can fix up your old house to make it better for himself. You're actually really lucky to have the option there. So find your energy and tell him to go.

Life is too bloody short to spend it like this.

The constant lying and years of stress have beaten you down to to a low point. He's selfish & useless and doesn't care enough about you and your children. If he did he would change, furthermore not let things get so far out of hand. Sadly you will treated how you let people treat you. Ask yourself the question do I want to continue to live like this? You know all to well what the answer is...lose the loser! He has to go and soon! Be strong for your children and your father one more time and get rid of him.

Your H is a pig, there’s no mitigation, he’s just a pig. However, when you continue to prioritise him when he only sees you as a convenience, it says an awful lot about how little you value yourself.

You need professional and legal advice. A counsellor who can help you unpick why you are still with this vile man and a lawyer who can support you protecting yourself financially. This man will bankrupt you if he’s given the opportunity.

Thank you for your comments. I know you're all right, don't understand why I can't do it

It's a hard thing to do. Especially if he's not done anything to trigger it recently and you've settled into an unhappy but not immediately awful inertia.

You need to give yourself permission to be happy and to put yourself ahead of him. To value yourself and your needs.

You're not exactly modelling a happy relationship you'd like your dc to emulate, are you? If you wouldn't want to see them live like this themselves, you have to remember the lessons you're teaching them.

Don't sleepwalk into re-renting the house.