Partner refusing to move to family property due to sister’s behavior

[SavannahKT]

Hi all,
Sorry for the long post.
My partner and I have recently moved back from the UK to our home country and are expecting our first child.
Due to the covid pandemic, our plans went momentarily out the window, since he should have resumed his old job and I should have started managing my own small business. We’re both currently not working, and I think we’ll probably be until late autumn, if not next year.
We originally planned to move back because we wanted to raise our child in our small hometown, and one of the conditions was the fact that we would have moved to a house that belongs to my family. It’s a nice independent house, with lots of potential (a lovely garden, room for a swimming pool, etc). This property has got tenants living in At the moment, so we might have to wait a couple of months before taking over.
Since we moved back, my partner and I are living in another family apartment, attached to the one my mother and sister (in her late 20s) live in.
My sister is younger than me, she can be extremely challenging to deal with and, while my mum and I are used to her and try to keep the peace at home, my partner has got to the point that he can’t stand her. He has now said that he does not want to move to the property we were meant to, because he fears my sister will be there all the time, will show up with her friends uninvited and use the swimming pool and things of that nature. He fears he will always feel as a guest because he did not pay for the apartment and my sister will use the apartment as she pleases, because technically it’s half hers.
So the bottom line is that now he wants to look for a flat to rent out: the location we live in is extremely expensive, so it’s not easy to find a good deal. We are currently out of work, so this means that we will have to start use our savings. Lastly, and this is what pains me the most, I would have to explain my mum and dad why we don’t want to move to that property anymore, which I’m afraid will be a tough conversation and can damage our relationship and the one we have with my family who have been no other than supportive.
From my side, I think we should take the family apartment anyway, and of course put some boundaries to protect our privacy and our new your family: I think my partner’s fears are justified but they are not necessarily going to materialize. I am not willing to let anybody come uninvited or use our property without us approving it, and of course this applies to members of my family as well. I know I can’t discuss this with my sister prior to any actual incident happening, because of course she’ll push everything back and she’ll cause a fuss.
This issue has now put me under a lot of stress, to the point that I find myself crying because I don’t know what to do (this is so annoying...I used to never cry before the pregnancy, now I am a river): on the one hand I don’t want to indulge my partner’s assumptions and miss the opportunity to have the peace of mind of owning our own place, but on the other hand I want him to feel comfortable and relaxed in what will be his forever home.
I should add that we can’t afford to buy our own place, because as I said the location we live in is extremely expensive (think a worldwide known holiday destination), banks are not giving mortgages to people in our position and the savings that we have would not be enough to put down a deposit.
What would you do?
Thanks a million x

I'm with your DP. Presumably he couldn't have known what your sister was like to live with/near before coming here. Even you say his fears are justified.

He's not "renaged on the deal" unless he knew exactly what your sister was going to be like.

If I were him I wouldn’t want to give up my financial independence to live in a home owned by others. Why not live somewhere cheaper?

the peace of mind of owning our own place,

To truly own your own place, you pretty much have to buy it from the current owners.

Who actually owns the house you can use? You and your sister jointly? Could you buy her out or do a swap with your share of other properties?

I think your DP is right, you will not be able to enforce boundaries, you can't even discuss them in principle without upsetting your sister.

It probably isn't what he signed up for. Family obligations weave a web which you probably don't even notice. He can see it and very sensibly wants to avoid all that FOG

Could you not move in with a view to save up to buy a new property once in? That wuld be the only real afordable option anyway.
I totally see his point though. When I first met DH he had a house that I moved into and all his family had keys. His mum used to walk in without knocking and without notice and it used to drive me mad. She has never done that here.

Do all the properties in question currently belong to your parents and you and your sister will one day inherit? If so, could you pay your mum and dad a nominal rent amount to live in the property and therefore tell your sister to fuck off if she ever behaves badly in regards to the property as you are renting it.

Don't get married as you will automatically have to share your assets with him!

Can’t you move in and see how it goes?

I'd suggest a trial to him. Give it 1 year and see how the land lies then. If you're sister is an arse, then he'll know that you're willing to move if it's unbearable.

Thank you all for your replies. Reading your insights made me realise how messed up this all sounds.
As some of you suggested, I should probably look into a more organic share of the properties, so that my sister and me both own 100% of certain properties, without having to share 50% on all of them.
And yes, my idea at the beginning was moving in and seeing how it would go, with a nice set of wooden gates and no spare keys :p
Also, this property we should move into is not close to where my sister lives, so she would have to come on purpose.
You are right, I think my partner’s fears are justified and my sister can be the kind of person that can show up with a couple of friends uninvited (she’s never done it so far). She’s always been trouble since she was a teenager, she got away with lots of things and this resulted in a spoiled adult. But I am willing to fight when and if the problem presents itself, now it’s all potential.

I wouldn't be surprised if your DSIS has a tantrum about you getting that house even if it is worth less than the others altogether.

If you owned the property outright would you be able to sell it or are they really your parents properties that you have been given early for tax/inheritance reasons?

I would get it all sorted legally regardless of any tantrums your DSIS and parents throw because it absolutely needs sorting, you have your own nuclear family now so the enmeshed dysfunctional one need boundaries made.

Oh dear. Your DP has a partner problem. The only way your solutions will work if you somehow set and control your sisters boundaries. The bottom line is that you can’t and have demonstrated that you won’t try u less she goes to far. Thinking that you can is a problem for him.

Commit to your life with DP or at the very least with your child. Dispose of the property holdings with your family or sister. Buy your own home. If the holdings are actually controlled by your family and are being used to bind you to relationships then leave them behind.

Read up on property law in your country. It may be that you 'own' the building with your sister but other members of your extended family own the land. In the UK it is called freehold and leasehold but similar concepts occur in other legal systems. You might find that you are not able to own any property you have been offered outright and you will always be enmeshed. Much better to rent a tiny place that is yours.

I’m on his side here and I think that you can word it well with your parents so it doesn’t have to result in a falling out.

Your sister needs someone to call her out on her behaviour

In your country's legal system, is it possible to make a distinction betwseen ownership of a property, and occuption of it? (Similar to landlord who owns and tenant who occupies it). If so, you could draw up some contractual agreement with your sister that although she is part owner, you and your family will be sole occupiers. She will not thenbe able to turnup and use the pool or anything else without your invitation. (Same as a landlord here does nothave the right to enter a tenant's home, for example). If necessary you could put this on to a more formal basis by paying her a small rent, to create a proper tenancy, though you would have to protect your right to stay there and not be turned out if she fancied doing so.

Do you actually half own the property, or have your parents ‘given’ them to you informally?

Who is getting the rent from the tenants?

If your DSis half owns it, your DP’s instincts are spot on.

Either make it a formal deal: pay the going rent, or half for the portion that isn’t yours, draw up a tenancy contract and change the locks, or find a cheaper independent place to rent. No one needs a place big enough for a swimming pool.

Your sister has no boundaries, you are afraid to speak plainly with your parents, no wonder he is wary.

All those posts on MN from women at the mercy of the ILs and posts say your haven’t got an IL problem, you have a DH problem’, that would be your DP. But he would have a DP problem AND an IL problem.

Tricky situation, I do sympathise but also understand your DPs position.

Chat with your parents about giving you the ££ instead of part ownership then buy a new independent property in your child's name that way if anything happens to your relationship your ( and their ) asset stays on the family. Anything other than that is madness. You do realise that getting married is not advisable if you are independently wealthy and he isn't?

my mum and I are used to her and try to keep the peace at home

From your partner's point of view, it might depend on what you "keeping the peace" looks like. He may well feel that "dealing with her" is just a promise to get him into the house, with "you're making a fuss over nothing" to follow - and I wouldn't blame him

As PPs have said, the obvious answer's to share out the properties on a 100% ownership basis instead of owning half each, but whatever happens, in your DP's position I'd want to see things in place before the move rather than trusting to luck

I am willing to fight when and if the problem presents itself

my mum and I are used to her and try to keep the peace at home

So what you've shown him is that you aren't willing to fight. That almost certainly you will cave in when your sister wants to use the pool/has a fight with your mum and wants somewhere to sulk, etc.

Your parents know what your sister is like; it's at least partly their fault she's the way she is from the sounds of it. I think you should tell them you don't want to move into a property that she co-owns, leave DP out of it.

I don't understand all this 'we will never be able to afford to buy our own place' thing - you apparently own multiple properties? the property would still be half mine and half my sister’s, as all our other properties are Surely you can sell a couple to fund a place of your own?

I agree with your DP... sorry OP but I think he's right.. it's too ambiguous and unpredictable an arrangement... your Sister could legally waltz in whenever she chose...it's her property too

Could you agree to move in and see how it goes and at the same time start saving for your own property so eventually you could have your own place