Why am I still scared of my mum?

[HiddenIdentity]

A quick brief history: my mum was a single mum raising us up. I am the eldest of the kids, so everything was always blamed on me growing up. It was always I should know better as I am the eldest and so on. My mum use to hit me a lot too when I was younger even when I wasn't in the wrong. I became fearful of her, and I would never answer her questions in fear that if I gave her the wrong answer I would be hit. This type of thinking affected me in places like school and I remember once I didn't even answer the register. I spent my teenage years wanting to move out, and I was glad when I did.

Since having dd, I have been very close to my mum. But I still feel like my younger self. Having to double check with her if it's okay that I can do this and that, because she babysits dd. I still get afraid of what she might say to me if I ask to, for example, go away, and when it comes to huge life making decisions, it scares the s**t out of me to ask/bring it up to her. I wish I did not feel like this anymore.

Your Mother abused her position of trust as a parent towards you. t is not your fault in any way that this happened; perhaps you blame yourself still.

Would strongly suggest you read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward. It may help you move on from where you are now.

This really struck a chord with me. My mum is not a bad person, but she has a really bad temper and loves picking fights. Unfortunately as her child I thought it was my fault that she was angry. I was an adult when my aunt told me that mum used to try to pick fights with her too. It was like a light going on, suddenly realising that my mum's bad tempers and unhappiness wasnt my fault. Now I see that it is actually really self indulgent to lash out just because you feel like it. But it does worry me now I am a parent. I would never hit my ds because I remember what it was like when my mum was in a rage and put me over her knee. And yet because I love my mum I dont want to hurt her feelings by pointing out her failings as a mother.

Last weekend she tried to pick a fight with a woman in the park who didnt have her dog on a lead. I wanted to say "mum, calm down, it upsets me when you are so aggressive" but, at age 37, I said nothing because I'm afraid she might say something horrible to me, or laugh at me. Ridiculous isnt it. As Philip Larkin said "they f**k you up your mum and dad, they dont mean to but they do.." Anyway you know that you wont do these things to your own children. I'm sure we will make other mistakes, but we will work really hard at not repeating the ones we suffered from.