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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Lies they expected you to believe

10 replies

KungFuPandaWorksOut20 · 17/05/2020 09:28

I'll start.

My husband passed down his old phone too our kids about a year ago because he got an upgrade. I was checking the emails on his phone seeing if the holiday company had been in touch.

Instead I found notifications from a swingers website. At first, I thought spam but I kept on scrolling and it was quite clear it wasn't spam. I could see the date he first signed up (27th April), I can see the email he verified the account that you had to click the link and input a 5 digit code once clicking the link.

I had a look at the profile, the image was a cartoon picture of what should look like me and him. He had filled in what he was into and what he was looking for. That was the part that shocked me the most.

I confronted him, he laughed and said what? I told him what I had found he said it's a spam site and pulled out his phone and pulled up his spam emails and said look. I told him it isn't a spam site, he's registered too it! He said maybe the children had accidentally clicked an email and it signed him up.

I told him, I attempted the site to see what the sign up process is. There is 7 steps. None of the children could accidentally do this. He said he didnt know then but he didn't sign himself or us as a couple up.

He kept calm through all this, and said he doesn't know how it was set up and it wasn't him and I can believe what I want.

I know what I believe, and it definitley ain't the site or our children created you a profile that has your correct age and DOB, our correct area we live in and lists sexual activities you like.

What's the most unbelievable thing a partner has expected you to believe?

OP posts:
Dollyrocket · 17/05/2020 09:40

Definitely sounds like BS from your ‘d’h.

SalmonSushi · 17/05/2020 10:31

He’s lying to you, and so easily.

KungFuPandaWorksOut20 · 17/05/2020 11:01

I know he's lying. That's the worst part. I thought he'd come clean but he's denying it. Can't make him tell the truth can I? He'll keep denying it.

OP posts:
Windyatthebeach · 17/05/2020 11:07

That his job paid rubbish wages. That he couldn't afford to pay our bills and I had to borrow off relatives.. That his golf membership wasn't nearly a grand a year.
Caught the fucker out in black and white and filed for divorce!

Raidblunner · 17/05/2020 11:09

So many it's hard to know where to start....probably 'we didn't have sex because we didn't think it was fair on you". Your husbands a lying cheat make no mistake about it. It makes you wonder what else he's lied about and covered up. Your choice but I'd be saying fess up or fuck off.

Lostvoiced · 17/05/2020 11:09

I'd ditch him, if he's so committed to his lie there's no coming back from that.

I hate being lied to. I'm willing to end relationships over it, because it is just so infuriating to me.

Not a lot of lies during the relationship, but my ex tried to get me to believe all sorts when I broke up with him. That he failed college because of me, that he was now an alcoholic (3 days after we broke up- that was fast!), the list goes on. We were only 18 at the time, I'm glad I had the sense to get rid of him, and I hope his controlling behaviour didn't continue into other relationships, but it probably did.

category12 · 17/05/2020 11:14

it's not just the lie, is it? It's just how little respect he has for your intelligence. Relying on you wanting to believe there's room for doubt, when he's barefaced lying.

bunbunbun · 17/05/2020 11:23

That level of lying and continuing to lie is worse than what he already did tbh. And that was already pretty bad!

I couldn't see a way back from this as there's no compromising / working through something if he wont even admit it.

I would sit him down and say:

"You know you signed up to that site, I know you signed up to that site. You have insulted my first by signing up, secondly by lying about it and thirdly by blaming our children for it which is totally ridiculous as they would not be able to complete the steps let alone add your sexual preferences.

You expecting me to believe this is more insulting than signing up. You know you are lying and you know I don't believe you, so you are effectively asking me to continue the relationship knowing I am being lied to and that you have done this or end the relationship.

We both know you've done it already therefore lying about it is showing you are willing to lose the relationship rather than tell the truth.

I could work through you signing up and discuss it like adults, but I cannot move past you lying about it. So please, once again - tell me what really happened and we can discuss it."

I mean, I don't think I would be able to work through it at all but I'd be tempted to say the above to get the truth and then see how I feel.

Maybe saying the above or writing it down (I know it's silly to have to do but sometimes liars just can't bare to lose face and the more you insist in person the more faux insulted and faux outraged they get which is just the MOST annoying) and saying you want a response from him by the end of the day when he's had time to think?

Again, I'm not saying the aim of this is to resolve the issue - that wouldn't be my aim, I would be saying the above to get the truth and then see how I felt. I know I personally couldn't get over the site thing but maybe you could.

Priority now is the truth.

YesNoYesMaybe · 17/05/2020 11:38

Are you still with this man ?

category12 · 17/05/2020 11:48

Oh, I remember a good one my ex told me :-

I found the OW's valentine present: a chocolate heart, lingerie and cheap necklace in a bag.

He tried saying it was for me, and then said it was from the OW and the lingerie he had bought for himself. Which wasn't that outrageously far out of the possible for him Grin.

Ah, the gaslighting lying twat.

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