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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Don’t know if LDR is on or off during lockdown

4 replies

Brunomarsbars · 16/05/2020 21:44

Been in a LDR for 2 years. Communication has been a recurring issue - neither of us like to be vulnerable or open up.

Since lockdown I realised we were going days without communicating. I began to think and analyse this to the point where it was stressing me out all the time. I spoke to him and he agreed there had been a weird vibe lately and we agreed to take a 2 week communication break.

When we spoke last week, I told him it felt a weight had come off my shoulders. Because I knew communication was off the table, I didn’t stress about it. We agreed something wasn’t working before the break but we’re reluctant to end thing because lockdown may mean we’re not seeing things clearly.

He was quite cold and distant during our chat and I felt he was hugely unhappy with the relationship. I asked if he wanted to break up and he said no, but when lockdown is over we’ll need some “quite difficult conversations” if we’re “to go back to being a couple”.

We kind of agreed to extend the break - he said the next time we speak, he would prefer to do it by text as he finds it easier to express himself. This worries me because I think the longer we go without hearing each other’s voice, the wider the gap between us will become. I’m also a bit hurt he wouldn’t WANT to talk to me properly

I called him then next day to clarify some points and he sounded irritated for most of the call. I feel like I’m in no mans land now - I suppose technically we’re together but it doesn’t feel like it. I was going to suggest meeting up for a socially distanced walk but his tone put me off.

Just feel lost and not sure which way is up.

I know the above probably makes me sound really passive but I’m terrible with making myself vulnerable - especially when he’s (maybe inadvertently) coming across so cold.

Help?

OP posts:
bunbunbun · 16/05/2020 22:00

You do sound very passive OP - you're waiting for him to make a decision and having the communication on his terms, both timeframe and method wise! Come on, what do you want?

I think you want to be in a happy, healthy relationship where you can have a laugh with someone and really enjoy being in each other's lives.

You aren't getting that from him and he has told you he's going to basically sit you down, at a time of his choosing and tell you what's wrong with you and what you can do to 'keep' him.

Nope nope nope!

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 16/05/2020 22:09

I'm not surprised he was irritated - he says his preference is for texts and you do what's comfortable for you instead.

It doesn't even sound like you're technically together to me - it sounds like you're on a break. Sorry.

Now you need to have a think. If you're worried that the distance will grow with a few weeks without communication, have you got something worth saving here? I'm being harsh, but I had a relationship in the past for which I felt I needed to act a certain way to keep it strong - I now wish I hadn't bothered.

FinallyHere · 17/05/2020 09:41

If knowing that you are having a break feels like a relief, is there anything you miss about him? Not the idea of having a partner, actually about him.

What would your life be like without him? Reading your OP, it sounds as if you would be better off. Only you can know whether that is the case.

Either way, I agree with PP it's really not up to him, it's up to you how you feel.

Dollyrocket · 17/05/2020 09:47

It sounds like you both don’t have the right communication style to manage a LDR really.

It also sounds like you’re being really passive and could probably benefit from some therapy to work on yourself.

This is your life, but it seems like you’re just waiting for him to map everything out for you, based on how he feels and what he wants. Recipe for disaster..

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