Husband debts

[Raver84]

I've just found out my husband has run up 4k or even more debt. This has happened so many time in our marriage of 15 years. The last time it was 10k and we very nearly separated.
He never has any reason for the debt, he says there is no one else and there is no secret gambling problem. We both earn enough to cover our outgoing and money left over.
I so angry and upset. I can't keep doing this. None of this money goes on me. I hardley spend anything other than bills.
Where do I go from here. I have 4 children. 11 down to 3. We own the house together.
I don't know where to start.
Has anyone else been through similar?

[Weenurse]

Good luck going forward 💐

[Sparklfairy]

@FifteenToes I thought the same, as in it can be quite easily be done with relatively small but persistent overspending, which is why I asked for clarification from the OP (and others checking my maths!)

[Weenurse]

My DB is useless with money.
SIL makes sure he has no credit cards and he pays cash for everything.
He may have a debit card now though.
He gets a certain amount a day and that is it.
If he wants to go out, he gets a set amount and no more.
It is treating him like a child, but it is the only way to stop him over spending.

[PragmaticWench]

I'd be beyond furious by now, just devastated.

The first or second time was the point for being furious, this time I'd be devastated as he must have KNOWN you've given him so many chances already. Most people who had genuinely messed up previously would now be extra careful not to get in this position again. The fact he hasn't been extra cautious with money this time just shows how spending the money, on whatever it is, has become more important to him than you or the children.

That's the devastating part. There's no future with someone like that.

[madcatladyforever]

I'm so sorry OP but this is my 2nd marriage to a T.
When I met him 20 years ago I had my own small house with the mortgage paid off, I was planning for early retirement at 50 which was great because I have a disability and was going to move to Cornwall to set up a small business as a retirement income and had a good private pension.
I spent the next 20 years paying off his endless debts that I would suddenly "discover".
They were debts incurred by living a champagne lifestyle on beer money and from expenses incurred having lost his job over and over again.
For example a £2,000 credit card debt suddenly found with numerous driving lessons on, clothes, all kinds of other rubbish. I would save up for anything I wanted. He would just get the credit card out and if I cut it up get a new credit card.
So at the end of 20 years post divorce (because he tried to say I was too controlling with money).
I am paying off a £40k mortgage which is basically his debt.
All hopes of retiring early are done. I need to work until 67 and the mortgage is paid off, I've had to stop paying into my private pension. I'm working full time with my disability getting worse.
I am totally worn out with the years of his debt, he came to me in the beginning with debt which "of course" was his ex partners which he was "obliged" to pay off for her.
It was his debt I know that now and I was stupid enough to pay it off.
As for him, he left my house with no debt at all and a divorce settlement in his pocket, said he was going to buy a flat.
Well he didn't, he started spending again on holidays and the high life, is now in £40k worth of debt, is saying it's because he didn't get enough of my money in the divorce (he never paid a bill or a single mortgage payment) and has lost his income due to coronavirus.
Last I heard he is lovebombing some woman he has moved in with just like he did me with a view to another few years of sponging.
Don't allow yourself to be used like this OP, he will never change and you need to be legally divorced from him or he will will drag you down, drag your children down and you will end up like me.
It doesn't matter what he is spending the money on - he is spending it.
Sometimes in these situations you can't see the wood for the trees, he will never change.
Its a shame he can't think of your children.

[ShirleyB25]

Sounds bad OP.

How does she move out/sell the house if he doesn't want a divorce?

Genuine question, as I would love to know the answer to that one.

[SortingItOut]

@Raver84
Been there, done that, got the t-shirt

Only you can decide what you want for you and your children, all this talk of you managing the finances and giving him an allowance is putting you in a parent/child relationship when you are husband and wife and no doubt he will end up resentful.

I tried to help my husband numerous times with his finances, he just loved spending and having things come through the post.
He ran up about £10k of debt on buying stuff from ebay and Amazon, he never spent more than about £10 on stuff but when you're buying 2 or 3 items every day of the month it adds up.

We used to have a joint bank account and the minimum payments came out of there, so my wages were then paying off his whimsical spends while I went without.
I made him get his own bank account and give me half towards bills and food.

He then carried on running up more debt, brought a truck off ebay for £5k and instead of telling the seller he couldn't afford it he put it on his credit card.
Within a few years his debt was £23k and his minimum payments took up all his income but I made sure he paid half the bills still, he just bounced his direct debits instead.

He then got poorly and I took control of his finances, defaulted on his debts and started paying them back at £1pm.
He had a set amount to spend each month and it worked well for a year, then he started buying on Ebay and amazon again, he didnt have the money but they let you pay after delivery and that's what he would do - I'd log into online banking and he'd be overdrawn so I'd transfer some of my money to cover it and I'd shout and argue and he'd promise not to do it again and he wouldnt for about a month and then it would start again.

This spending addiction went on for 17 years, this coupled with emotional abuse and emotional affairs made me end the marriage and he left as it was my house.

I agreed to manage his finances still but then we had a falling out and I left him to it, after 6 months he had run up £10k of debt and didnt have money to pay his rent, I lent him some to cover it, he paid some back, borrowed again from me and I laid down the law again.
He defaulted on all his new debts (while still paying £1pm to the debts he ran up years ago) and I took over running his bank account again, it's going okish but I dont plan to do this forever.

My husband worked and between us had a good income, he is now unemployed die to his depression.
None of the stuff he purchased benefited the family, it was all about him and what he wanted.
He blames his mental health for spending, I blame the fact he never grew up and took responsibility and is selfish and just has a me, me, me attitude.

Please dont waste years of your life, I wasted 19 years with mine.

[Ukholidaysaregreat]

I think if you want to stay together then after bills he should transfer all his remaining money to you and you can have control of the household spending. It would also be good to go through the whole budget and see what is being over spent on. However if you have had enough you have given him lots of chances if you want to leave.

[SortingItOut]

@ShirleyB25
Court orders if one party wants to play tough

[Elieza]

Re you thinking it’s not worth going through his card statements, it totally is. All of them. To see who he spent money with and the total per month if his debt. Then you can see what his problem is and how much debt is on that card. If it’s not the total you know there must be another card you need to see.
Don’t put this in the too difficult box. It’s hard I know. Soul shattering to be betrayed in such a way by a selfish prick. But if you are staying with him you must find out what’s going on.

If you split up and sell the house he can go his merry way with his half and do his thing and you won’t need to worry anymore. But his debt may become your debt. It does in scotland. I don’t know about where you are.

[viewfromthecouch]

I think you'd be a fool to not legally separate yourself and your own finances from him. You need to protect yourself and your children. He's lying to you about where it goes, you know and he knows you know it, but he doesn't care.

[Raver84]

Thanks for everyone's replies.
I know he won't change. The thought of untangling our marriage is just such a big task I don't know where to start. He won't leave the home and I can't afford to move out with 4 children. I live in South East and I don't earn enough to cover rent for a home big enough for 5. If I could I would.
I would like to sell the house and split the equity and make a fresh start. That will of course take time to sell the house etc. The thought of living with him whilst that happens is unbearable. I wokr up this morning and have taken my dog out. I have to go back for 4pm as I start work later (nights). I am so angry I don't want to see him and loose my shit in front of the kids.

I found out he ran up an over draft then took the money out of our joint money (which was saved for large purchase) to repay his overdraft. He doesn't see that as steeling from me. Or that if he was going to spend 4k of our money he should have asked me if I wanted to buy whatever it was. The money was commited already for house renovations. Already started. Doesn't seem bothered that he's lied. No plan as to how to repay the shortfall. There is more missing but I hvant had time to work it all out.

Also for those that have lived through this know it becomes impossible for me to spend money on myself as I always have to worry he will run up debts so I have to be frugal in case the school trips or school shoes need buying. A car repair. Big bills. All of that worry is mine and I'm fed up of missing out on Things I want so he can spend money however he wants. As it is my car does need fixing and the work is about 500. The money he has spent could have paid for that several time over.

[Bunnymumy]

Maybe speak to a solicitor op?
Is the house mortgaged? If so, in joint names?

I know it's a thought but...could you afford a smaller place on your own? Eg 2 or 3 bedrooms? And you have the younger kids for half the week and then switch for the older kids the second half?
Maybe not doable but realistically, probably the way it would have to be, at least until the house sold.

I'd rather that than stay under a roof with that prick, where the bailiffs might show up any moment and take my stuff.

Alternatively- Shame the fuck out of him to all his friends and family. Finish with 'and after all that, he wont even leave'. Hopefully other ppls judgement will shame him into doing something decent. Tell his parents!

[Closetbeanmuncher]

I would like to sell the house and split the equity and make a fresh start. That will of course take time to sell the house etc

I think this is your best bet. If there is anything left of your savings, fix your car and put the remainder in one of your childrens savings accounts.

This is an absolute betrayal of trust (for the second time) and I'm not surprised that you are furious.

Have you signed any contracts/paid deposits for the reservations because I would halt that and concentrate on selling the home and divorce ASAP.

Personally I couldn't respect or be with anyone where I had to give them an "allowance" or couldn't trust them not to manage their shit like a normal person.

I would also be seeing a solicitor ASAP.

This is just awful, I really feel for you OP💐

[Raver84]

The house renovations have started. We have to make the final payment. Once that's finished we can sell.
I've had a quick look online. I can rent a 3 bed place for 900 per month. Would leave me about 500 to live on for bills and food. If he won't leave I will move out with the children. I can live like this anymore

[Stripyhoglets1]

I'd expect you will get some benefits as well if your income is 1400 and you have 4 children. Also child support from him as well as he has a job you can attach from earnings if he won't pay voluntarily.

[Bunnymumy]

You'd get a single person discount on council tax if you shift to your own place at least. Don't move anywhere with storage heaters! They cost a bloody fortune xD

Definately get straight on him for the child support when you go.

[Doowop20]

I would get legal advice before you leave the house.

[LannieDuck]

I was going to advise taking up his offer to work through his finances and figure it out, but really, if he's taking money from the joint account to cover his overspending with no intention of paying it back... and doesn't see anything wrong with that... it sounds as if the marriage is over. Sorry OP :(

[Bunnymumy]

You cold call his bluff btw: 'well if you want to stay in this 4 bedroom home till it sells, then you'll have to do most of the childcare. I'll be moving out to a two bedroom place so one or two kids can come by at a time but you'll have to do the lions share. But if that's what you want...fine by me!'. And start looking for a smallish place. Only thing is he might then decide to move out...but then hist never do it. So yeah, probably best to just move out. He probably thinks you dont have the balls. Would love to see his face when he realises his meal ticket has left him xD

[Seaside1234]

@Elieza thankfully no, that’s not the case in Scotland, where I am as well - I looked this up as my husband has debts of unknown amount. If the debt was secured in the other person’s name alone and wasn’t for both party’s benefit (like for a car or kitchen or something), it’s the sole responsibility of the party who incurred it.

[Seaside1234]

And I’m sorry, OP, this is shit, what an awful position to put you in. Stealing from your joint finances to shore himself up and he can’t see that that’s wrong? Whaaaat!

[tarasmalatarocks]

If you yourself get around £1400, you won’t just have that, you should get child maintenance plus either some tax credits or possibly some UC towards rent . It’s more likely you would be getting around £2000 in total

[SortingItOut]

Do not leave the house until you have had legal advice.

Wikivorce is a great website with a forum full of knowledgeable people.
You can also buy divorce packages through them.

I cant believe he took joint money to pay off his overdraft, the problem is that he can just run up his overdraft again anyway so he does he pay it back, stealing joint money again?
And he doesnt see a problem with it?

He sounds so irresponsible and you cant risk losing your home due to his debts.

Go to the entitled to website and work out what you would get in benefits and make your decision based on that.

[FourDecades]

So sorry @Raver84. This has happened to me. My now XH would run up debt that l knew nothing about.

Only reason l found out was because we had to do a financial check when he was off work due to a Gross Misconduct allegation.

Then a year later he was made redundant... and yet again l found more debt.

When l saw the solicitor and explained what he was like, she said l needed to get a financial order so we are not linked in any way post divorce.

3 years after we have split l have just found out he has £70,000 across 9 credit cards and a loan.

Set up an account on Experian for him as you may find out there is more debt then what you know about.