Husband debts

[Raver84]

I've just found out my husband has run up 4k or even more debt. This has happened so many time in our marriage of 15 years. The last time it was 10k and we very nearly separated.
He never has any reason for the debt, he says there is no one else and there is no secret gambling problem. We both earn enough to cover our outgoing and money left over.
I so angry and upset. I can't keep doing this. None of this money goes on me. I hardley spend anything other than bills.
Where do I go from here. I have 4 children. 11 down to 3. We own the house together.
I don't know where to start.
Has anyone else been through similar?

[Raver84]

I've asked him time and again if it's another woman, gambling? He said it's neither. Just overspending but it doesn't add up as there is nothing here to show for it.

[mrsbyers]

I would suspect cocaine

[orangesandlemo]

You really need to go through bank statements.

My oh overspends on his income And he doesn't realise it's the £30 in Sainsburys every week plus a takeaway he would treat us to and £30 st GHD weekend on lottery tickets. He never buys anything for himself or goes out but happy to spend £300 on me or children for our birthdays even though he doesn't have that spare

[OnlyFoolsnMothers]

Has he ever shown you credit card statements detailing all this debt? Does he go out often for drinks say after work?

[CandyLeBonBon]

I imagine this goes deeper than overspending op.

[MrsJasonIsbell]

I have been there, fortunately with only one child (with him) who was then of pre school age. I couldn't stand the lies any longer and now I'm single parenting and have been for 7 years. I am so much happier but I do have to work 2 jobs to sustain my family.
I still don't know where the money all went but I suspect alcohol and, perhaps, drugs. It was soul destroying. The straw that broke the camel's back was when he started selling our belongings and lying about it!

[Bunnymumy]

Screw finecombing bankstatements. At this point what does it matter what the money is being spent on? He's taking you for a chump. And taking opportunities from your children. That's what matters.

What if you cant afford to send them to college if they want to go one day because this asshat has eaten through all your savings.

Why on earth would you stay with someone who so obviously, continuously disrespects you, lies to you and takes advantage?

[catspyjamas123]

You are skewered. If you leave him he will take half of your savings and house. But it’s the only way to get free of this parasite. He is using you. My ex did this. I slaved for years as the responsible and sensible one and he robbed me blind.

[PicsInRed]

Why haven't you seen the statements?

[Dontjumptoconclusions]

Overspending on what??

OP the first thing on the way to fixing this is for him to be honest on what and where he has spent the money on, why isn't he telling you? If he doesn't have anything to show for it, fine. But at least he can be more specific than "overspending".

[Northernsoullover]

It might be gambling or drugs, but I managed to overspend to the tune of much more with nothing to show for it without a single bet or sniff of the old marching powder.
However, the reason is irrelevant. He won't change. I learned the hard way and am now extremely cautious with money. He keeps doing it. I think you need to separate or he will cost you everything.

[Elieza]

You need to see his statements or banking app or something to see where it’s all going.

If it’s not gambling surely it has to be something big and expensive that he’s doing repeatedly. Coke? Prostitutes?
It’s not just a couple of coffees at Starbucks if it’s £50 a day equivalent. And if it’s restaurants it will be on his statements, and for that sum then he must be treating someone daily? A woman? Or paying maintenance for a secret child or second family?
Not good whatever it is.

Divorce him to protect your assets. Otherwise you could be held liable for his debts if he doesn’t pay them. You can still live in the same house as tenants in common if you want to stay with him. You don’t have to tell anyone about the paperwork. It depends how strongly you feel about this whole situation and what it turns out to be caused by. Perhaps he should take £20 a day to work and no cards so he can’t overspend.

[ticktackted]

I'm so sorry you're going through this, especially with kids . This is how my first marriage ended - £15k in

[Teaandbiscuitsallday]

Crack or gambling. This is serious. You need to leave him.

[Kona84]

What type of credit card is it? If it’s not a good rate he could have spent £1000 and the interest is killing him. Especially if he is only paying minimum payment each month.
Ask to see the statements work out how the balance is made up and if it is majority of interest transfer it to a 0% balance transfer if his credit score allows.
If there is anything on the statements that gives you concern he can speak with Stepchange for independent advice.

Gambling transactions can be well disguised on statements some to look out for are WHO = William hill online
B365= bet 365
G I ltd= uk gambling sites including gala bingo and coral
Also if he has ever withdrawn cash on the card he will be charged a cash fee and then the interests on the cash amount is higher than on purchases.
There is something going on if this keeps happening. It’s hard to see a credit card as money sometimes and it’s so easy to just use contactless on small things.
Makesure the card look different to his debit card as so he isn’t mixing them up too.

[Kona84]

Also if you ask to see his banking and he declines remember you can’t force him it would be fraudulent or you to access his accounts.

[Kona84]

And to add you will not be liable for the debts, a credit card can only be in sole names and only the card holder is liable.
Make sure he doesn’t have any loans and that they are not in joint names other wise you would be liable.
Where possible do not have joint anything.

If all the debt in his name you will never be liable, if he passed away his estate would be liable. So property, savings etc and debts would be paid before any next of kin benefited

[TheTiaraManager]

You should be angry. He has not changed his behaviour from the other times this has happened so he doesn't care/respect that this hurts you as affects you both.

The first time it happened I would hand scrutinised bank statements, both to understand & to identify signs or it happening again. However as it's the 4th/5th time for me personally this would be a dealbreaker

[HollowTalk]

I'd be livid. It's completely selfish, spending all that money on himself.

Can you look at his bank statements and see whether there are big cash withdrawals? He's spending a couple of hundred a week on something - I wouldn't be able to rest until I knew what he was up to.

[MyOwnSummer]

You're not being unreasonable at all. He has been a complete arse.

What does he have to say for himself?

[FreshStart13]

AFAIK if you separate the debts can become be part of the total assets and liabilities used to determine who gets what. They can also affect you in the sense that if he's servicing ever increasing debt you might find there's a shortfall in his ability to pay things like bills. It can also affect you if you want to take out a new mortgage, if he defaults and has a low credit score this will effect who is willing to lend you money.

First thing I'd do is check his credit report, not sure how you do this in UK. Then I'd be telling him you need complete transparency and to sit down together with his bank account statements and credit card statements to work out where the money is going and how he can start living within his means and paying his debt down. If he isn't prepared to do this then it's highly likely he's lying about where the money is going and I would be separating. I wouldn't take the word of a partner who is secretly running up debt on whether he's gambling or having an affair or doing drugs. He's already proven that he is willing to lie to you, so why assume he's telling the truth in this instance.

[TippledPink]

Yes it may not affect you if he were to pass away, but if you divorce his debt will be taken into account and could be perceived as joint debt when splitting your assets, meaning you get less in the event of a split.

[Raver84]

Thanks for all the replies. He's offered for me to go through his bank statements but it's irrelevant really as there is probably another account or another credit card that I won't know about. He's lied to me so much. I think this is over for us, I'm just so angry at myself for believing we could sort this out.

[FifteenToes]

@YRGAM I included the £700 a month he has left over from his wages after bills too, to get an fuller idea of how much he's burning through. To need to borrow 7k he must be spending £175 a week from his income, then spending just over £200 a week on top of that, that he's borrowing.

To be fair when it's put that way, it's not actually that much. It's certainly more than I spend per week on luxuries, but what I mean is that it's the sort of amount plenty of people spend just by being careless and unaware about meals out, rounds at the pub, online impulse purchases, "loans" to friends etc. etc. It doesn't necessarily imply a gambling problem, drugs or another woman. It may be something like that, or it may not. Some people are just really crap with money.

I can't think of an answer here. You need separate finances to protect yourself. But if you're going to have a life together with major purchases such as house, car, holidays and whatever it is you thought you were saving for, that's always going to be scuppered by his inability to manage his own. The only thing I could think of is for him not to have his own account, but to be paid into an account that requires your authorisation for withdrawal, and then given a personal budget each week that you manage. And you effectively coach him in how to monitor and manage it, until he learns how or potentially forever. Boy you'd need to really love him to want to do that though.

[FifteenToes]

Thanks for all the replies. He's offered for me to go through his bank statements but it's irrelevant really as there is probably another account or another credit card that I won't know about. He's lied to me so much. I think this is over for us, I'm just so angry at myself for believing we could sort this out.

But when he says there's 7K debt, that debt must pertain to a particular account, and you'll be able to see from the bank statements whether the bank account is that far in debt. If it isn't, then yes he must be talking about another account and he'll need to show you that too.