Husband debts

[Raver84]

I've just found out my husband has run up 4k or even more debt. This has happened so many time in our marriage of 15 years. The last time it was 10k and we very nearly separated.
He never has any reason for the debt, he says there is no one else and there is no secret gambling problem. We both earn enough to cover our outgoing and money left over.
I so angry and upset. I can't keep doing this. None of this money goes on me. I hardley spend anything other than bills.
Where do I go from here. I have 4 children. 11 down to 3. We own the house together.
I don't know where to start.
Has anyone else been through similar?

[Elieza]

He probably thinks if he stays in the house he will get it as he’s the working man and she’s paid buttons towards it over the years so I’m keeping the house I paid for....

If so he’s completely deluded and in for a shock!
And I hope his kids can forgive their selfish farm they for uprooting them (if it comes to that) all when he could have gone himself and out their needs first. Typical selfish idiot.

[TheTiaraManager]

That should say "glad you are getting"

[TheTiaraManager]

HMad yk7 are getting legal advice. As hard as it may be do not move out. Do not make it easy for him! Why should he get to live in your home while you & 4DC move out.

[Itsjustmee]

You might have to use the equity to pay your rent
UC isn’t as generous as Tax Credits with regards to savings . So you want to be absolutely sure of what you will get in terms of benefit/ UC and any savings you may have from the equity .

[FourDecades]

In the meantime you can start getting together paperwork... pensions, p60, mortgage, savings etc. These will all be needed if you do divorce.

Have you much equity in the house? Does he have a pension?

[adreamofspring]

You sound so together and strong OP. I’d be going crazy trying to work out where the money went and be filled with rage at the lack of care for his 4 children.
Good luck with the solicitor this week and your steps towards freedom.

[ticktackted]

I really do wish you so much luck for the future, OP. It's tough now, but it'll be so worth it. You'll know about every penny. You'll have choices and control. You'll be able to raise your kids with an understanding about money and budgeting that will benefit them for the rest of their lives. You'll be free

[Raver84]

It's good to know other have come out of this the other side. Thanks for sharing this with me it has given me hope and strength that I can make the next steps.

[Raver84]

Thanks again. I'm going to contact a solicitor this week and see what I can do about moving out, I do t want to walk away from any equity in the house as it will secure mine and the girls future. I've said to him either he moves out but continues to pay soemthing towards the house or I will move into rented and he will have to pay me a monthly amount until the house is sold. I'm hoping he will go as it makes more sense for one of us to move out than 5. But he won't.

[FourDecades]

So sorry @Raver84. This has happened to me. My now XH would run up debt that l knew nothing about.

Only reason l found out was because we had to do a financial check when he was off work due to a Gross Misconduct allegation.

Then a year later he was made redundant... and yet again l found more debt.

When l saw the solicitor and explained what he was like, she said l needed to get a financial order so we are not linked in any way post divorce.

3 years after we have split l have just found out he has £70,000 across 9 credit cards and a loan.

Set up an account on Experian for him as you may find out there is more debt then what you know about.

[SortingItOut]

Do not leave the house until you have had legal advice.

Wikivorce is a great website with a forum full of knowledgeable people.
You can also buy divorce packages through them.

I cant believe he took joint money to pay off his overdraft, the problem is that he can just run up his overdraft again anyway so he does he pay it back, stealing joint money again?
And he doesnt see a problem with it?

He sounds so irresponsible and you cant risk losing your home due to his debts.

Go to the entitled to website and work out what you would get in benefits and make your decision based on that.

[tarasmalatarocks]

If you yourself get around £1400, you won’t just have that, you should get child maintenance plus either some tax credits or possibly some UC towards rent . It’s more likely you would be getting around £2000 in total

[Seaside1234]

And I’m sorry, OP, this is shit, what an awful position to put you in. Stealing from your joint finances to shore himself up and he can’t see that that’s wrong? Whaaaat!

[Seaside1234]

@Elieza thankfully no, that’s not the case in Scotland, where I am as well - I looked this up as my husband has debts of unknown amount. If the debt was secured in the other person’s name alone and wasn’t for both party’s benefit (like for a car or kitchen or something), it’s the sole responsibility of the party who incurred it.

[Bunnymumy]

You cold call his bluff btw: 'well if you want to stay in this 4 bedroom home till it sells, then you'll have to do most of the childcare. I'll be moving out to a two bedroom place so one or two kids can come by at a time but you'll have to do the lions share. But if that's what you want...fine by me!'. And start looking for a smallish place. Only thing is he might then decide to move out...but then hist never do it. So yeah, probably best to just move out. He probably thinks you dont have the balls. Would love to see his face when he realises his meal ticket has left him xD

[LannieDuck]

I was going to advise taking up his offer to work through his finances and figure it out, but really, if he's taking money from the joint account to cover his overspending with no intention of paying it back... and doesn't see anything wrong with that... it sounds as if the marriage is over. Sorry OP :(

[Doowop20]

I would get legal advice before you leave the house.

[Bunnymumy]

You'd get a single person discount on council tax if you shift to your own place at least. Don't move anywhere with storage heaters! They cost a bloody fortune xD

Definately get straight on him for the child support when you go.

[Stripyhoglets1]

I'd expect you will get some benefits as well if your income is 1400 and you have 4 children. Also child support from him as well as he has a job you can attach from earnings if he won't pay voluntarily.

[Raver84]

The house renovations have started. We have to make the final payment. Once that's finished we can sell.
I've had a quick look online. I can rent a 3 bed place for 900 per month. Would leave me about 500 to live on for bills and food. If he won't leave I will move out with the children. I can live like this anymore

[Closetbeanmuncher]

I would like to sell the house and split the equity and make a fresh start. That will of course take time to sell the house etc

I think this is your best bet. If there is anything left of your savings, fix your car and put the remainder in one of your childrens savings accounts.

This is an absolute betrayal of trust (for the second time) and I'm not surprised that you are furious.

Have you signed any contracts/paid deposits for the reservations because I would halt that and concentrate on selling the home and divorce ASAP.

Personally I couldn't respect or be with anyone where I had to give them an "allowance" or couldn't trust them not to manage their shit like a normal person.

I would also be seeing a solicitor ASAP.

This is just awful, I really feel for you OP💐

[Bunnymumy]

Maybe speak to a solicitor op?
Is the house mortgaged? If so, in joint names?

I know it's a thought but...could you afford a smaller place on your own? Eg 2 or 3 bedrooms? And you have the younger kids for half the week and then switch for the older kids the second half?
Maybe not doable but realistically, probably the way it would have to be, at least until the house sold.

I'd rather that than stay under a roof with that prick, where the bailiffs might show up any moment and take my stuff.

Alternatively- Shame the fuck out of him to all his friends and family. Finish with 'and after all that, he wont even leave'. Hopefully other ppls judgement will shame him into doing something decent. Tell his parents!

[Raver84]

Thanks for everyone's replies.
I know he won't change. The thought of untangling our marriage is just such a big task I don't know where to start. He won't leave the home and I can't afford to move out with 4 children. I live in South East and I don't earn enough to cover rent for a home big enough for 5. If I could I would.
I would like to sell the house and split the equity and make a fresh start. That will of course take time to sell the house etc. The thought of living with him whilst that happens is unbearable. I wokr up this morning and have taken my dog out. I have to go back for 4pm as I start work later (nights). I am so angry I don't want to see him and loose my shit in front of the kids.

I found out he ran up an over draft then took the money out of our joint money (which was saved for large purchase) to repay his overdraft. He doesn't see that as steeling from me. Or that if he was going to spend 4k of our money he should have asked me if I wanted to buy whatever it was. The money was commited already for house renovations. Already started. Doesn't seem bothered that he's lied. No plan as to how to repay the shortfall. There is more missing but I hvant had time to work it all out.

Also for those that have lived through this know it becomes impossible for me to spend money on myself as I always have to worry he will run up debts so I have to be frugal in case the school trips or school shoes need buying. A car repair. Big bills. All of that worry is mine and I'm fed up of missing out on Things I want so he can spend money however he wants. As it is my car does need fixing and the work is about 500. The money he has spent could have paid for that several time over.

[viewfromthecouch]

I think you'd be a fool to not legally separate yourself and your own finances from him. You need to protect yourself and your children. He's lying to you about where it goes, you know and he knows you know it, but he doesn't care.

[Elieza]

Re you thinking it’s not worth going through his card statements, it totally is. All of them. To see who he spent money with and the total per month if his debt. Then you can see what his problem is and how much debt is on that card. If it’s not the total you know there must be another card you need to see.
Don’t put this in the too difficult box. It’s hard I know. Soul shattering to be betrayed in such a way by a selfish prick. But if you are staying with him you must find out what’s going on.

If you split up and sell the house he can go his merry way with his half and do his thing and you won’t need to worry anymore. But his debt may become your debt. It does in scotland. I don’t know about where you are.