Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

To not bother with family anymore

13 replies

Windib · 16/05/2020 12:46

I think lockdown has made me realise who is important. Backstory is both parents have passed away and I have one sister and one brother. Since parents have died I have made an effort with both but it's been like banging my head against a wall. Sister has always been aloof/rude towards me. Never asks anything about my life and on the rare occasion she does and I start telling her she'll reply with either silence or 'oh OK', nothing more. She says she is so busy with her kids etc, has quite a snobby attitude about everything. For the sake of my DC and hers I have tried to hang out often but it is painful each time tbh. I do not enjoy the experience at all. It always feel very awkward and tense, not relaxed in the slightest.

My brother and I used to get on with much better and there are rare occasions when we do have a nice chat but trying to meet up with him is very difficult and on his terms. Even if we set a date or time he will often cancel last minute, sometimes not even telling me until I ask!

Since lockdown, we have been in a 'family group' on fb. I made an effort at the beginning. I should add I am a single parent so have barely spoken to anyone in 8 weeks. We arranged a family call which lasted about 5 minutes before the connection cut off. A few weeks later I arranged to speak to my brother and his kids (who my DC love). My brother and I arranged a time and date in advance. I rang at that time and chatted to my brother briefly. He said he would ring me later instead as kids were about to eat. Later on around 4pm I sent a message on WhatsApp asking if kids were ready? My DC were looking forward to it. He read the message on WhatsApp at the time then I get a reply at 9pm saying sorry he didn't see my message and they are in bed.

Sorry to bore you with the details but I've been quite lonely these last few weeks and just realise my family are useless. I haven't heard from either sister or brother in 3 weeks then get a 'how are you?' in family group this morning. I could say 'I'm OK, very well etc' or 'things have been awful, the house has fallen down' and the responses I'll get will either be 'that's good' or 'oh no'.

Sorry, too much detail but in 8 weeks we have spoken just twice (well DC just once)! I just feel like what's the point? Do they even care? I have been chatting to people I barely know more since lockdown. Should I continue to bother anymore? Avoid the family group or just reply with 'I'm fine' and never bother even replying. Obviously, they are the only family I have, other than DC but this lack or level of contact is quite depressing. Wwyd?

OP posts:
TellySavalashairbrush · 16/05/2020 12:53

I’m afraid blood is not always thicker than water. I tried for years to stay close to my older sisters, but they were so involved with their adult children and grandchildren, that I felt I was imposing this was way before lockdown. Now, although I speak to them every now and then and still care about them, I know it’s my one or two close friends that I would turn to for love, support and just to generally spend time with. I gave up expecting family to always be there.

Windib · 16/05/2020 14:00

@TellySavalashairbrush that's true. Do you see your sisters at all?

OP posts:
Windib · 16/05/2020 19:37

Bump

OP posts:
ihateyoutube · 16/05/2020 20:01

I’m in a very similar boat and your post really resonated with me. I’m afraid I have no answers but just wanted to say that I think it’s a common issue. Not all families are close, although it’s harder to see that when you’re feff eggLong sad about your own situation. Five years ago I moved to a new city which took me further away from both my brother and sister, both older. In that time, I’ve seen my sister once, and spoken to my brother twice on the phone! It doesn’t hurt as much as it used to as I’ve a) gradually got used to it and b) I’ve made close friends, which has really helped. But it’s taken me a long time to get there, and I’ve also had some counselling along the way.

ihateyoutube · 16/05/2020 20:01
  • Feeling, not feff egg?!
TARSCOUT · 16/05/2020 20:07

We aren't a close family. 4 siblings spit into sets of 2 contact wise. No arguments just different personalities. Haven't spoken to my brother in maybe 3 years and we live couple of miles from each other. We haven't fallen out,.just different lives and haven't seen each other. One sister set up WA group but that's died a death. Speak to other sister twice a week and hoping to meet for SD walk with dogs soon.

Longsight2019 · 16/05/2020 20:18

My wife has a similar relationship with her siblings. It’s driven by her odd parents. One of them organised a family quiz and their parents decided not to join as they “don’t like quizzes” despite three of their five children being isolated alone.

Windib · 16/05/2020 21:19

Gosh @ihateyoutube sounds tough. What type of counselling did you have? Did it help?

OP posts:
ParkheadParadise · 16/05/2020 21:27

That's so sad @Windib
Personally I wouldn't reply. Wait and see when they get in touch with you.
I have 5 siblings. I'm very close to them all but I would say my brothers are not great at keeping in touch although I know if I needed them they would be here for me. I speak to my sister's all the time.

Mmsnet101 · 16/05/2020 21:35

I'd reply with a courtesy message and then just accept that you won't have a close relationship going forward.

They may want a relationship but maybe not as full on or close as you've tried, so if you ease off they might start putting in more effort. Be prepared that this may not happen though.

Windib · 16/05/2020 21:50

Thanks @Mmsnet101 I'll do that and have been doing that. Just seems so cold/impersonal. May as well talk to a brick wall! But better than no contact I suppose?

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 16/05/2020 23:15

I dunno, OP, I’m just so not bothered by relatives. If I never spoke to my brother again I wouldn’t care. He recently told me he’d hate to live in my town because his is so far superior then sent me a message today saying he’s so glad he doesn’t live in the UK (where I am) because it’s so shit etc.

Family are not necessarily important and you are not legally obliged to stay in touch. If they don’t enhance your life and make you smile, then stop putting in all the effort. I bet it’s you making contact and trying, isn’t it?

HollowTalk · 16/05/2020 23:29

then sent me a message today saying he’s so glad he doesn’t live in the UK (where I am)

I think, "Yeah, me too" is the only possible answer to that!

New posts on this thread. Refresh page