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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My Boyfriend Accused Me Of Cheating

27 replies

TionBan · 15/05/2020 23:49

Hi,

I've been in a happy, healthy relationship for over a year and my boyfriend has been struggling the past few days with anxiety due to lockdown, he has been finding it hard to work from home etc and has started online counselling for anxiety but two days ago he accused me of cheating with a friend of mine who has previously declared feelings for me but I wasn't interested. I have stayed friends with this person and my boyfriend never showed an issue but two days ago he accused me of cheating, says I get private about my phone but I explained to him I only do that when talking a friend when they are looking for advice or talking about something private.

I've also been out of the house a lot more than him as I've been helping family in lockdown so I've been out and about a lot more over the past few weeks. I always gave him the option to go with me.

The friend he is suspicious of has been hanging out recently as we moved house and he came over to take some furniture for his apartment, but again I involved my boyfriend in this and never hid anything. Two days ago he started to freak out, and when I reassured him he then did it again yesterday. I said he could talk to my friends too or see messages but he said my friends could just cover for me. I'm really not sure what to do, is this just insecurity? I'm reassuring him constantly but am now very tired doing so and am wondering about applying tough love. It really makes me worried for a future together xx

OP posts:

ErickBroch · 16/05/2020 00:00

Red flag - this could escalate into very controlling behaviour.

Catladyireland · 16/05/2020 09:15

Could be worrying. Trust is pretty fundamental

Raidblunner · 16/05/2020 10:21

Draw a line in front of it now...your done with discussing it. You tried to reassure and support him in his jealousy and paranoia. It's his problem now and he needs to stop making it yours. If he is unable to you seriously will need to consider your position. If he starts whining again don't answer him and simply refuse to discuss it, you've already said it all.

NoMoreDickheads · 16/05/2020 10:56

He may have had a dodgy few days or so with his MH. Raidblunner has it right. You could say something like, 'I understand that you're feeling anxious recently due to the pressures of lockdown, but I've told you there's nothing going on and I'm not cheating on you. So stop saying there's anything going on when there isn't. It's really irritating.' (or whatever you're feeling.)

category12 · 16/05/2020 11:35

Tough love. Either he trusts you or he goes. Don't pander to this.

Jeffersona · 16/05/2020 11:38

His mental health issues are causing him to act irrational with paranoia.

Original poster

TionBan · 16/05/2020 19:05

He has gone to stay at a hotel. I will say that I have a lot of close male friends and he has admitted to having an issue with it. He asked to see bank statements and messages but my Mum has said that's crossing a line. Really don't want to end it, really think this is covid lockdown related. Is it ok that I don't want to show him my bank statements? I know it might make him feel better but I just want him to trust me

OP posts:

user1481840227 · 16/05/2020 19:12

He's crossing the line looking for you to prove you're not up to no good.
But there are lots of women on here who would have problems with their partner having lots of close female friends, and particularly one who said they had feelings.

Maybe it was just the anxiety and lockdown causing his relationship anxiety to recently amp up....but I will say that in general when it comes to close male and female friendships, especially when there might have been feelings involved neither person is necessarily right or wrong, you're just incompatible as a couple if one person has a problem with it!

PP12345 · 16/05/2020 19:24

If the situation was reversed, then you’d be getting told that he needs to break contact with this friend.

Dollyrocket · 16/05/2020 19:31

I think his behaviour is out of line, especially if you’ve given him no reason to suspect you of anything. He needs to get help : supper for his anxiety.

In addition to that, it would also be fair to say that most people would feel uncomfortable with the close male friend who has expressed feelings towards you being around. I personally would feel that if a friend expressed feelings to my spouse I wouldn’t be happy with them staying close friends. Regardless of trust, that’s a lot to ask someone to accept.

CodenameVillanelle · 16/05/2020 19:33

You absolutely need to end it. He's controlling and that is abusive. This can't be saved, sorry.

Dollyrocket · 16/05/2020 19:36

And if you have a lot of close male friends, although we all like to think we can trust and be cool about it, most of us probably aren’t that cool long term.

Not trying to excuse his behaviour though as it’s definitely going too far asking for bank statements etc.

Truthpact · 16/05/2020 19:40

Hmm well he shouldn't have an issue with any of your friends being male, when they are actual friends.

But the 'friend' in question fancies you. You know the guy likes you and you're keeping him around, basically encouraging it with this guy. You're getting private with your phone, talking to a man who would be with you if he could, and inviting him round to your house. I can see why he is annoyed. If my partner did that, I'd be pissed off. If any woman on here said 'my partner has a friend who fancies him, he doesn't like her in that way, but he keeps texting her, is private with his phone and invites her round to our house', that guy would be slaughtered.

Male friends is fine. But keeping contact with someone like this is not. You're leading him on and it's making your partner uncomfortable, understandably. Ditch your friend or ditch your boyfriend.

HannaH021 · 16/05/2020 19:43

how did he find out about the person having feels for u? Did u try to trigger his jealousy at some point in the past by bringing this to his attention?

the comments telling you to leave are shallow.
I understand you want to stay with him. The guy is suffering from anxiety, and if you love him and want to be with him, you'll need to seek help to find out how to handle someone with anxiety and keep his behaviour from crossing your limits. You said this came out of the blue during lockdown, and lockdown is in process to be lifted slowly, you both can hang in there until things are relaxed and he returns to work. He'll need a lot of reassuring as an anxious person.

Hoggleludo · 16/05/2020 19:48

What would the bank statements prove though?

Don’t do it. Stand your ground. Say to him. Come on. I know you’re anxious but this attitude doesn’t fly n

Sugartitss · 16/05/2020 19:55

post this in reverse and you’ll get honest advice

Mix56 · 16/05/2020 19:57

Boot to touch

Original poster

TionBan · 18/05/2020 16:47

I'm finding it very hard to get past this. Have booked an online counselling session this evening. I have apologised for having a friendship with maybe I shouldn't have had but I knew I wasn't going to act on so I didn't see an issue before now and he should have told me along the way that he had an issue with it.

I feel very over analysed and thrown by him having that opinion of me. He now says he believes me 100 percent but I'm really worried this will happen again. I am finding it very hard to relax

OP posts:

Aussiebean · 18/05/2020 16:56

I wouldn’t be surprised if he is projecting.

He is the cheater, so he is accusing you of it.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 18/05/2020 17:06

Assuming neither of you is cheating it just sounds as though neither of you understands the others perspective when it comes to friends of the opposite sex.

And you are being unthinking to continue a close friendship with the one who has declared his interest.

Call him. Tell him he is wrong about you cheating but right that your relationship is only going to continue to cause such misunderstandings. Then you can agree to split up and go your separate ways.

Don't let him promise things he can't do. He isn't secure enough to accept your friendship group and you aren't going to let them all drop. It won't work... too much resentment will build up.

End it as pleasantly bas you can, neither of you ha s done anything wrong.

OneForMeToo · 18/05/2020 17:24

When a women posts about her partner she’s always told to check his phone and if he won’t had it over his clearly hiding something so it would make sense for a man to ask the same of his partner. If he has mental health issues that are flaring up then parts are likely to have you involved. If you want to reassure him and prove or cut your losses

MyHeartBeatsInEights · 18/05/2020 17:40

If my partner had a friend that he knew fancied him but continued to text and looked as if he was hiding his phone I would not be happy. He should not be demanding your bank statements etc, and I do not think you should give them, but I understand why he is upset.

Wewearpinkonwednesdays · 18/05/2020 17:53

God MN is so two face if this was your dp who had a female friend who had feelings for him and he was keeping a close relationship with her, you would get very different answers, including he's probably cheating, he has no respect for you or your relationship, he is choosing her over you and so on.

Aquamarine1029 · 18/05/2020 17:57

I find it concerning that you don't realise this relationship has run it's course. It's over, at least it should be. His controlling, paranoid tendencies will raise their ugly head again, I assure you.

Original poster

TionBan · 18/05/2020 23:52

I agree that if we flipped the genders around, people would be giving me a different opinion but he never communicated with me that he was uncomfortable for months so I had no idea. I've been in this friendship for years and feelings hadn't been mentioned in two years so I was surprised. We are trying to get through it but I seem to have an anxiety in me waiting for him to turn on me again and have another bad opinion of me. I am also telling myself this is a bump due to lockdown, having just moved in together, and some of my own mistakes. However, I stand by not giving him access to banking etc

OP posts:

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