Forever single, where have I gone wrong

[painauchoc04]

I'm 30 years old and have always been single and now starting to think there's something wrong with me!? I went to uni thinking I would meet someone there but only had a handful of dates. I try to make an effort with my physical appearance and I'm often complimented about my style, make up and skin. I also like to keep fit with running and yoga. I don't really meet lots of men in my day to day life and have tried online dating but find it uncomfortable and awkward. The dates I did have didn't progress further than the first date (lack of chemistry, one guy was just so full on and another just not compatible). I joined a running group to try widen my circle but there aren't many single guys there. A guy did ask me out from the group but he was very mean and spent the whole date talking about himself. I have been described as reserved but very warm and friendly when you get to know me. The last guy I dated said he found me 'too nice'. I guess I'm looking for some advice on where I may be going wrong...

I'm sure there's nothing wrong with you

Do you ever meet men you fancy and if so do you ask them out?

I think I would seek some practical advice in the shape of a love/life/dating coach. Without knowing you it's difficult to pinpoint where you believe you might be failing. Identifying how you come over and present yourself to others is useful to know. It's something that you can ask people that honestly know you. Be prepared to take some constructive criticism as it will help you to understand your question. We all have different characteristics and traits that work for and against us. Others can often spot them before we do .

painauchoc04; do you find it difficult to talk openly with people? Are you comfortable being you?

I ask this because you mentioned that one man spent the whole time talking about himself and that another man found you 'too nice'. When people aren't comfortable in themselves then they tend to find it difficult to speak openly with other people. I suspect you wanted to join in the conversation with the first man but didn't feel confident enough to do so. Maybe you just gave up out of politeness? That politeness feeds into the second man's comments about you being 'too nice'.

Maybe you need to find out who you are first? I'm sure you have lots to share with someone. Good luck. x

RhymesWithOrange - I did when I was a little younger but now I wouldn't as I fear the rejection. I definitely prefer to be asked out!?

Raidblunner - Definitely! So many people have said that I seem so quiet and shy but very talkative and interesting once they get to know me.

tickertyboo - Yes, this is an issue for me. I find it takes me a while to get really comfortable around new people and I may hold back initially. With the second man there were lots of red flags and I did put up with a lot of his shit!

You'll get advice, but online it is not easy to figure out. Are you super selective about looks and have a very specific "type"?

If it's any consolation I went on 63 first dates, saw one lady for a couple of months, had a 3 year relationship with another. My current girlfriend we've been together nearly 5 years and very happy. Dating is one of those things you really have to work at but in relaxed fashion, literally a numbers game. It would be extraordinary if you meet the right person first time. It's very early days for you, I never really invested a lot of time in messaging people perhaps a few emails via the dating app. It's always best to meet up early on. That way you don't build up the hypothetical virtual relationship that's completely different when you meet up. People describe themselves as all sorts of things in their profiles but the reality may well be different. Also that's another thing is to not get carried away in your head and get disappointed if the dates not right. It's not that there's necessarily anything 'wrong' with you just that your 'right' for each other. It's like playing a lottery and you have to be in it to win it, after all you only want that one person. They are out there

Pluckedpencil - I'm not ridiculously picky and have dated guys who weren't exactly 'my type'. I prefer a taller man but have been out with someone my height or slightly shorter for instance.

Raidblunner - I really appreciate your advice! I don't think I could manage 63 dates haha that is impressive :) I think the combination of lockdown, Normal People, my colleagues and friends all being loved up is making me a bit crazy right now.

I was ridiculously picky but quite lonely I guess. So whilst it was nice to go out and have a meal and a chat with someone I would know within 20 minutes if there was any spark. Having a strong preference for curly hair does limit the field some what!

@painauchoc04 I have never been asked out in my life. But yet i am married (am 27, married at 22)

I only had 2 relationships in my life, one in sixth form, DH in university. Both guys were my best friends at that time. Like we were studying together in the library/common room, and then we went out for food cos it was convenient. It just developed after spending a lot of time together. I dont recall him ever asking me out Appreciate its hard to do during lockdown but maybe just make friends with lot of guys. Keep things very casual. Like if we are allowed to meet after lockdown, dont make it into a 'date'. Just a coffee. Spend time with them, esp the ones who fit with your personality. If you can, a lot of time . After a while, you would just fall into a relationship and then marriage cos its natural.

I did when I was a little younger but now I wouldn't as I fear the rejection. I definitely prefer to be asked out!?

Has it ever occurred to you that men might feel the same?

It’s 2020, not 1950. Waiting around for men to ask you out hasn’t worked out too well for you, so isn’t it time to consider being much more proactive about approaching men and getting the ball rolling?

Good luck!

I think the combination of lockdown, Normal People, my colleagues and friends all being loved up is making me a bit crazy right now.

I'm the same right now, think lockdown has really highlighted how very single and alone I feel

I am the same. I really miss people and lockdown has made me want a proper, committed relationship even more.

I also think previous posters are missing the point. I have never been spontaneously asked out and don’t seem to meet men outside of OLD. OP sounds the same. It’s shit.

It sounds to me like you're doing everything right. Too many people I know go out with any old male then wonder why it ends in disaster.

I do think though, the more people you meet, the more likely you are to find "the one". I wouldn't leave it up to chance meetings at clubs, I do think you have to view it as a mission with online/speed dating.

If you wait to be asked out it's not likely to ever happen.

Definitely...all this 'If it happens it happens' is crap. You have to make it happen. I did a soulless job selling AA breakdown cover at weekends to make extra money 20 years ago. I would ask 3/400 people and if I got 1 sale that was a result. Same with dating, it's a numbers game you have to get out there.

Never tried OLD/speed dating, the idea of trying to convince someone who doesn't know me that I'm worth dating terrifies me lol. The men that do know me don't want to date me so not sure what selling points I can get across to a stranger in a few messages or a coffee etc

Have to go out a lot OP- did you go out with friends to bars a lot before lockdown? Imo set group activities rarely work to meet someone- people are usually focused on the activity.

I feel like giving up and I know having a negative mindset will make this a self-fulfilling prophecy. I don't like to compare but have a friend who would literally be waiting on a train platform and be asked out!

OnlyFoolsnMothers - Not a huge amount but I would always go for drinks after work if invited or to house parties/bars/clubs from time to time.

LynetteScavo - I'm afraid to ask anyone out and definitely not without a few glasses of wine. Always scared he'll think i'm ugly. Is there another way haha

@painauchoc04 I’m one of those who used to get asked out on train platforms etc but unfortunately I found that those men were the most abusive.