Family

[Lovefromabove]

DH is part of a family of academics. They're incredibly intelligent. I dread family gatherings as I often can't participate in conversation as I'm nowhere near as bright. I am however very artistic, which is what I do for a living, unlike his whole family who are doctors, mathematicians, IT consultants etc (and DH).

I am struggling with how rude a couple of his family members are- more so my MIL who hasn't the slightest inclination to listen to anything I have to say and cuts me off at every opportunity. She does however have a lot of mundane things to say herself and will become evidently frustrated if I don't listen to every minor detail or every mundane story. I often feel cornered.

DH has pulled MIL up on her behaviour after I pointed it out to him, but his whole family is cold. His brothers will often call me to speak to our children (whilst in lockdown) and don't even initiate conversation with me, no hello. Just "Is DC1 free?"
They will sit and chat with the DCs, but it's all very serious.
It wouldn't be such an issue if DH didn't have much to do with them himself, but they are all very close. It feels DH has an expectation of me to get on with it and with them.
DH never tries to break the ice, or bridges the gap between myself and his family. Just a warm smile from somebody would make me feel much better around them. I just don't fit in at all. I'm contemplating not attending family gatherings anymore and ignoring any calls to my phone (which are evidently not for me anyway) from now on. They always call me as DH never answers his phone anyway. DH's brothers are not married but have girlfriends, they seem to distance themselves from the family, it's harder for me because of the DCs and because of how close DH is to them.

Any advice?

Bumping up

Talk to your DH this seems to be about his expectations/his lack of breaking the ice and him not answering his phone

Your DH is key here; you need to speak to him.

May I ask how old your kids are; are they teens or younger?.
Are your children really all that interested and or otherwise bothered about speaking to these family members?. They must notice that you as their mother hardly ever get a look in when it comes to his family.

What are your boundaries like here with regards to his family?. He may well want to maintain a relationship of sorts with them but it does not automatically follow that you or your kids have to as well.

Your H could well be in a FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) state with regards to his family so does not and or equally cannot bring himself to at all deal with his parents and siblings here. His inertia when it comes to them however, hurts his own self as well as you.

Your dh doesn't sound too fussed on his family either. Perhaps he'd be open to having less contact too?

I'd stop doing the bridging things you're doing with little guilt, they're his family, he should be dealing with them.

My top tip fwiw:
You're a DIL. Imagine a SonIL in the same position. What do you think they would do?
Do that.

Women are conditioned to be "nice", to be the social/family glue, to worry about how they come over. Men, not so much.
Try it, it's very liberating!

I think a Son In Law would make himself suddenly very busy in my position! 🤣

He is very fussee on his family- reliant on them to a very odd degree. Lost without them even.
There is a mixture of FOG going on, habit and a lack of just 'growing up.'
He is enmeshed.

The advice to do when a Son IL were do is perfect. I'd be telling my h to manage his family and avoid answering the phone to them and gatherings. The brothers gf are smart to leave them to it. Your h can take the kids round to their gatherings.