Please be kind if possible.
I have three children aged 12, 10 and 8. Their father and I split when the youngest was 18 months old. Since then I have been trapped. All three have additional issues of varying degrees. My ex has always worked in a field with shift work in which the shifts are never the same week by week. He does not attend any medical or educational appointments even if off from work and all decisions, planning and execution of those decisions is down to me.
For backstory, we got together when I was 18, 3 weeks after I lost my mother who I had been a carer for since I was 15 and 6 weeks since an early miscarriage from a fling. I had had a sheltered upbringing and wasn’t very independent, had never had a father or father figure. I feel he exploited that. He made me feel as though I could do nothing right and did everything around the house or with the children himself, complaining at every turn that he had to do it because I wasn’t capable, and over 5 years made me almost fully dependent on him, which he then ridiculed me for, often in front of people. He still maintains now that I’am useless and incapable of caring for the children despite them being almost solely in my care. I eventually found the strength to kick him out, got a job that I could fit mostly around the children and moved on. He continued to abuse me emotionally and mentally, and frequently used tricks to get his own way.
I went on to have another relationship (now ended) and child and still the constant digs, criticism and abuse continued. He has almost complete freedom to see the children whenever he wants to, and he makes the final decision, I have no real say on when, and we’ve never had a firm agreement because I have to work around his shifts. Any time he has accommodated, which is rare, it’s never been to the detriment of his work, so never time off if they were sick etc, I have always had to cancel my commitments. And it’s always with the air of him doing me a huge favour.
My eldest child has had similar issues with her father, has had nightmares about him, an eating disorder and was seen by Camhs due to feeling depressed and suicidal. Attempts to help her communicate her feelings to him were unsuccessful and he won’t listen to my thoughts on how he could build a stronger bond because he thinks nothing of my opinion on anything. I have made it clear that she never has to see him if it’s not what she wants and withdrew access to all three for a month last year while I got legal advice. She still likes to go because of the treats and fun trips he does.
So now to what is on my mind...
Two years ago he started seeing someone and they recently got engaged. Kids are happy, but my eldest is still struggling with him. Knowing he won’t listen if I tried to approach him I messaged his fiancée to ask her if she could talk to my daughter and find a solution with her. My daughter wanted me to listen in as support while she talked and listening to someone else parent my daughter and help her when I can’t broke my heart. Hearing her tell my daughter how much her dad loves her really, and excuses for why he acts the way he does. I didn’t recognise that person that was being described, I never met him, he doesn’t exist. The reality is cruel and selfish, manipulative and cold. Hearing how they are going to make a lovely home for the children and they will have their own rooms while I know our home here is an embarrassing mess because I never get long enough alone to really sort it.
I’m trying to be the grown up and not let my selfish feelings get in the way of what is best for my children but the idea that I’m not the only mother in their lives now is killing me. It’s not the fiancee’s fault, she’s doing the right thing by my children and I’m grateful but she doesn’t know what he did to me, how he really can be. The children came back from seeing them today with an anecdote where she described them as ‘my children’. I want to scream that they’re not, they are mine. But I can’t, because she is in their life now.
My whole life has been on hold to look after his children until he decides to pick them back up again, and the one dream opportunity to get on a career path I’ve always wanted I had to turn down because he refused to juggle his work in order to pick the children up from school one day a week. I have to watch him change job, go on holiday, go out with his fiancée, have a whole life while my world has been shrunk to just my house and the children and their issues.
I cannot go through life watching them be happy families, parenting my children when they choose, acting like I’m useless and worthless, judging me constantly before leaving me a dried up husk when they finally charm away my children to their perfect home, leaving me with the mess of a thousand memories. I’am terrified that his aim is to get them to want to live with them and think maybe it would easier if I just finally stopped fighting him, stopped being angry and accepted that Karma won’t get him, nothing’s going to turn around and bite him in the arse. Maybe I should let them go to him and let him be trapped alone dealing with every issue with no support and go and make a life for myself while I still have the will to. I’m angry every day.
This sounds so self pitying and selfish and it’s not meant to. I’m keeping everything inside so no one knows. I’m trying to find things I can do now that I can enjoy and get a sense of purpose from, and making plans for when they get older but there’s no end in sight. I’am just so worn down. I know I can’t really leave them with him and run but why do I need front row seats to his manipulation of them?