Will I feel get over my husabnd leaving?

[BertandErnie1]

I read a lot of MN threads so I know a lot of people have been through similar stuff so I'm just looking for some support from those who are abit further down the line.

My husband left me about 6 months ago, we were together 15 years and we have 2 DC. He said we had drifted apart and he didn't feel the same way as he used to. We had probably got caught up in the stress of daily life/ work but we hadn't been arguing. It really came out of the blue for me. He didn't want to try and fix things and he moved out. Anyway, we have an amicable relationship, he pays CM and has regular contact with the kids.

I found out recently he has a new girlfriend. She's a lot younger than me (and him) and its really set me back. They got together a couple of months after he left.

The lockdown doesn't help as I can't see friends and family so I feel very isolated. Most of my friends think I'm doing fine but it actually gets harder as time goes on. I have spoken to a couple of friends though.

Do things ever get better? How do I get over the sense of rejection?
I'm so scared for the future.

Yes you will get over it... unfortunately it's a long journey with no quick fixes. You were together a long time and it's a double shock when they move on so quickly. I really sympathise and remember waking up every morning with a feeling of dread. Honestly you'll be fine but 6 months is no time at all.

@Charliebong
thank you.
It's the moving on so quickly I don't understand. I've even queried if it was an affair but he completely denies this (well of course) but not sure it really matters now anyway. I just keep imagining them being all loved up together and doing all the things we would usually do, and the thought makes me ill. It feels like a punch in the stomach.

You will get over it, but it will take time.

You will also, probably, discover that he has not suddenly met this woman during lockdown.

It's hard x

Just noticed the thread title is a mess- a reflection of what's in my head!

Its someone he knows from work and started before lockdown but he has no reason to tell me the truth.

When he left originally , I read abit about 'the script' and there was some that matched (not all).
It makes me feel ill imagining them together and being happy, while I'm the one left feeling rubbish.

Try not to fixate on the other woman whether it was before or after you split. It really doesn’t change the situation. You would still feel shit if there was no woman around. You were together a long time and it takes a long time to get over this. Lockdown won’t be helping this either.

@Tc83 I know you are right, it really doesn't change anything.

Even if they got together after he left, I'd still feel betrayed at his ability to move on so quickly. Its like what we had didn't mean anything- just easily written off.

It's amazing, isn't it, how quickly these 'new' girlfriends appear

It really came out of the blue for me. He didn't want to try and fix things and he moved out.

It wasn't out of the blue for him. He had this younger woman lined up.

As pps have said, it takes time, and it's shit while we're so constrained. It WILL get easier. Keep posting, so many of us have been through similar and come out the other side.

Just want to say you're not alone. Mine left in Feb, have 2 DC, were together 30 years (started young!).

Lockdown makes it so hard- it's really impossible to DJ the things you'd normally do to "move on" and feel progress.

And it's so stressful! We similarly have a "good" relationship still (even though he was having an affair). But he can make me shake with stress with emails that say insensitive things.

Very tough to keep spirits up for DC even though they're fab. Feels tough to be "happy" sometimes.

Don't normally post but wanted to send virtual hugs and let you know you're not alone. It's tough but you sound strong. I fell strong mainly but also vulnerable sometimes. I guess it will take time, perspective, patience, resilience...

Sorry to hear this OP. Must be especially hard during lockdown when it's harder to keep busy - well busy with nice things.
It's very early days and it will get easier.

@BertandErnie1

I think sometimes when someone moves on quickly, they have already mentally checked out of the relationship way before they announce it and have therefore had time to come to terms with it. You didn’t have a clue so we’re not at all prepared. He may have been preparing for months.

It’s tough. Just be kind to yourself and time will heal.

I really appreciate people posting.

I do suspect she was lined up even if nothing had happened before he left.

It just feels so unfair. We've told this kids it was a joint decision. They are coping well overall but I'm the one who has to deal with the down moments, when he's the one they are so excited to see and they are counting down the hours to see him.

I agree @jcpop, its so hard to make plans. I had holidays booked that have been cancelled and have had to put on hold selling the house. I'm desperate to move. I just feel stuck just now.

In some ways its reassuring to hear people say 'its early days' as my expectations of myself are that I should be doing better by now.
I've never been a person who is up and down mood wise, I've always been stable and steady. But now it's like I'm affected by everything- songs, photos, places and it just makes the loss feel greater.

@Tc83 yeah I think you are right.
At one point he was thinking he regretted leaving and wanted to try again, and he kept saying 'we'd need to make sure It didn't go back to the way it was', but it really wasn't that awful in the first place (well from my perspective). He did then change his mind about wanting to try again. I'm not sure I could forgive him anyway for everything I've been through.

OP visit ChumpLady. There's loads to help you over there. Better still, send her an email and she might give you a personal reply (she did mine!!) Seriously, the site helped me so much, making sense of what was going on in my world.

As you said, one of the worst things was the reality my ex could move on so quickly with so little "conscious uncoupling" (or whatever...) And, although people might say "oh, he'd secretly checked out ages ago but hadn't told you", I'm not sure that's always true. It wasn't in my case - we went from effusive love statements to her checking out in the space of four months, the interim factor being OM appearing on the scene. I'm not saying we should've stayed together, but to go from fully loved-up evenings to checking out, with no triggering moment that she could name, after over a decade of marriage in the space of four months would give me emotional whiplash. I'm just not built to disentagle myself from significant emotional connections so swiftly. It takes time, and has a cost, even if I know its the right thing to do.

It's more likely, as ChumpLady says, that he doesn't "do deep" (and quite likely hasn't ever). As i said, check out her sight to find out more.

Thank Tossa,
I'm absolutely going to check that out.

The emotional disentanglement does make sense and you are right he doesn't 'do deep'. He very intelligent but emotional literacy and self-awareness are not his strong points.

Thank you for sharing your experience.

I have a lot of friends , whose help has been invaluable but I don't know anyone who has been through this. There's been a lot of anger (towards him) from others after the break-up - his family , my family and friends. I can understand why but its not been helpful for me really as I feel I need to calm them down. I don't actually feel angry, just sad and abit lost.

I think sometimes the one who leaves has checked out beforehand. So it has been over for them before they voice that to someone else. In truth I was probably like this with one relationship if I am honest.

He may have had his eye on her beforehand, but it won't help dwelling on that. Equally some people do just move on quickly. A friend of mine started online dating a month after leaving and met someone who was supposed to be a casual FWB and ended up married to him. A guy I know drank too much at a work party after splitting and got together with a colleague a couple of months after moving out of his marital home. Some people lick their wounds and some people feel better immediately drawing a line under it and moving on.

You will recover, just take it one day at a time. I know one of my exes married the woman he started dating a few weeks after we split but it doesn't upset me at all now, but I felt like I was drowning at the time

@BarbedBloom Thank you.
I suppose everyone is just different.

Drowning is a good way to describe it. The frustrating thing is I don't want to feel like this- I want to be forward thinking and to feel fine about it all, but my emotions just seem to be doing their own thing!