Need encouragement to stay on course to LTB

[JungleJane11]

I posted a few weeks ago looking for help to identify my DP's behaviour because I couldn't figure it out. After discussion on here and lots of reflection on the years gone by in our relationship, I realised he is controlling, hugely insecure and very selfish. He always has been. We have not even socialised together with a group on an evening out for years as his behaviour is so unbearable whenever we did and I would feel so humiliated and like a failure that this was my relationship. Especially after DC. Couldn't bear the thought of people seeing it for what it was so just avoided, and thus lost a lot of my network of friends over the years.

Anyway, long story short I have told him I want to separate. I am due back to work from leave in a few weeks and although we had initially agreed I would give up my job now, I've now told him I won't be doing that. Now the current situation we are in with lockdown is obviously a difficult time to tell someone that you want to separate, and he seems to be trying to continue as normal as if I never said anything, even though I have written out the financial aspect of things and we have both agreed that he would be the one to move out when the time comes.

But that's the problem, when will that time come? It's hard for me to stick to my guns when we are both at home with our two DC, both of whom are very young. I do NOT want to give in and just end up not going through with the separation simply because lockdown dragged on so long and it just became easier to stay together and bear it. He has started counselling, but it's over the phone and I don't believe he can really be helped without face to face interaction. It's much easier for him to lie, bullshit and minimise over the phone, I don't think for a second that his counsellor has any idea what he is really like.

I suppose I'm just looking for a hand hold and reassurance that I am strong enough to do this

I remember your thread.

It is hard to stay the course in the ‘interim’ period when you have DCs and so much invested. But go back, read your original thread, and think how far you have come.

Above all, reflect on what you want to give the DCs in future - a happy, relaxed home where they are free from witnessing unhealthy and controlling, abusive behaviour.

You are strong enough - you’ve come this far. Congratulations on being strong enough to make the decision: now you need to take the next steps. See a solicitor and get the legal process in motion: agree with your DH a date when he will move out, even if a few months ahead. Make a plan, stick to it and you will find it easier to stay the course.

Thank you, @Walkingwounded. It also helps that I've majorly got the ick. Probably have had for a very long time, to be honest!

Jungle- How awful it must be to have the ick for someone you have to live with. Is there a spare room and do you feel able to send him/have you sent him into it?

He may have agreed to move out, but he’s a controlling arse so probably won’t. Personally, I would move in with family and in the interim move into one of the children’s bedrooms.

I would also, stop preparing meals and doing any laundry for him as well.

This is what I think about when I keep chickening out of leaving someone:

It may seem easier for now but imagine being 85 and on your death bed, you've been stuck with this man for 60 years living this mundane life miserable, you never visited that place you wanted to, never met as many people as you wanted to, never met that goal you wanted to complete.
Or even :
Your 40, you've been married for 15 years, he's just left you for a 30 y/o you're stuck single mum of 4, didn't go on that dream holiday, never lived in that country or explored your feelings for that other person, now you're exploring the dating scene middle aged thinking why didn't I leave him when I had the chance

It sounds like you have come a long way already so dont lose the momentum , I agree with PP set a date for him to move , if needed keep shoving adverts for places he can rent under his nose every few days .

Do you have space for him to have his own room/s spare room . lounge so that you dont spend evenings and night s together .
Or can he move in with family ,

Divorces take a long time so def start the process now but get your own finances in order first .

Do you want him to still have access to your DCs ?

I remember your original thread and how awful your situation was.

It’s good to read that you have decided to separate but the lockdown has prevented your forward motion.
I agree that setting a date is a good idea; I also think it likely that he will wait until the last minute and refuse to leave.

Have you shared your situation with your family? A back up plan would help keep you on track. If necessary, could you move to your parents?

Remember that you can move out during lockdown if escaping domestic abuse.

Best wishes.

Aclh13, A very good point there!

Jungle Jane - I've not seen your other thread but does your DP work? At least you have now told him you want to seperate, so that's a start. It would make it easier if he took action wouldn't it, but he probably won't. Is he using lockdown as an excuse because as a pp said, people are allowed to leave if the relationship has broken down or abusive.

@REignbow I have stopped preparing his meals and doing his laundry. I have asked him to choose which day at the weekends he would like to have the DC for the remainder of the lockdown, so that I can make myself scarce/do other things around the house etc on that day. Obviously without making it too obvious to my 3yo. So today I stayed in bed until whatever time I wanted, got up and had breakfast while they were out for a walk, they've come home and I've chatted to the kids and then come upstairs to read and will likely do some cleaning a bit later. I actually feel fine about it. Better than fine, to be honest.

He is usually utterly helpless if I'm not doing it for him. Barely understands baby nap times, would never have food prepared in advance, the other day I heated up some dinner for myself and DD1 and he came downstairs after work and looked so puzzled that there was no food preapred for him. Then when I was finished eating there were some leftovers on mine and DD's plates (literally scraps) and he just said "oh I'll just finish those off.. I'm not actually that hungry". Sealed the deal for me. What an utter fucking manchild, can't even feed himself. If I didn't laugh I'd cry honestly!

I would try to get him to start buying or asking around for spare stuff he will need for his new home . Depending on his finances right now he should be getting the expensive stuff while he hasn't got rent / bills / council tax etc to pay.
Also deppends what space you have but he could ask friends / family to store stuff for him.
Bed & bedding he can start sleeping in that the day it arrives
Towels
Fridge frezzer - do his own shopping keep it in there
Cooker / m'wave
Pans , crockery, cutlery glassware - start using & washing them now
Washing machine ( probably not practical to use now )
Tv
Etc
By no means am I saying you should sort out buying the above but push him hard to buy it . That way as soon as he can move he has got at least some of the basics that he will need so can't use the excuse " I havnt got xyz yet so I can't leave "

He won’t need any furniture if he simply rents a furnished flat, AlCalavicci! I wouldn’t give him any excuses for not going on the agreed date.

@babdoc
I guess it depends on the area fully furnished flats/ house near me are like hens teeth , even part furnished ( usually just cooker fridge one sofa / chair and bed ) are very hard to come by.
I would imagine once the lock down has been lifted there will be others in OPs portions so accommodation may be even more scarce.

At the moment, in my view, he still thinks you don't really mean it. He still thinks things will blow over and that he can carry on as before. Be ready for him: hide documents and pack an emergency bag for yourself and the children. Be mentally prepared to phone the police if it comes to it. He may turn nasty when the penny begins to drop that you actually mean it. Of course, he may not. But I speak from experience.

Can he not just love out into a rental property?

move out (!)

He can, @Dollyrocket. That's the plan. But rent is quite expensive where we live, and he would need double to include a deposit for a flat. Then there would be the maintenance he owes, which is significant. It would leave both of us financially under pressure from the get go, which I find very daunting. He has moments where he turns nasty and has even laughed at my soon-to-be financial circumstances. He had no problems accepting money from my parents to secure this house when we were buying it, though. Funny that.

Honestly - even if you’re going to be skint, it’s got to be better than obliging with him. Irregardless of lockdown, you need to get him out, it will be a huge relief to not have him in your safe place.

living with him.. Wtf is going on with my spellcheck today

I agree. It's just sorting out the logistics of it, I guess. I'm pretty sure he's aware that I'm serious because he has been researching rental properties, or so he says anyway. I think the penny will really drop when I tell my family, it really becomes set in stone then and he knows that telling them will be a huge deal for me. I'm apprehensive about how much there will be to navigate, not just around finances, but all of the other stuff that's going to come along with the separation. Family asking questions, my 3yo asking questions. How do I deal with all of that.