DH's Young Adult Sister Coming to Stay

[KubaLeebre]

DH's nearly 21 old sister is going to be coming to stay, for 12 weeks initially. This is because we live closer to her university placement, which she is about to return to after being with her mum for lock down.

I'm happy for her to come, she's a lovely girl and DD absolutely adores her! I am a bit nervous though, mostly because she is very shy and anxious. This means that she (and none of her 3 siblings!) are ever comfortable enough to say what they want or help themselves to anything, which means I or DH ironically end up waiting on them hand and foot. It has historically pissed me off, for example when she and her siblings have been around and I've spent a long time cooking and they won't offer to wash up. DH laughs it off and then cleans up.

It's going to increase our food costs and I will probably end up resenting cooking every night for an adult who can help out but won't. DH will do it but I'm a better cook!

She also has no friends, really and will rely on us for company. Even during lock down I guess I would expect someone of her age to be in their room some of the time, chatting to friends etc. I think I'm dreading feeling like a stranger in my own home and having no alone time with DH.

DH is aware of all of this and says that he will speak to her before she comes, but I'm really worried about it. Particularly the selfish stuff like wanting DH to myself!

Any tips for how to make it work without me coming off as a bitch?

In terms of the house stuff, there's a big difference between family coming to visit and essentially living with you. I'd be inclined to either set up some sort of rota for cleaning, washing up etc, or if she is going to be out a lot with her course leave her to fend for herself, and make it clear she cleans up after herself. Either way it needs a discussion when she first arrives

If she's visiting because she's on some kind of placement perhaps she'll make friends in the course and be out more than you think?

Maybe establish some ground rules from the outset - say what you expect (in a nice way😂) otherwise resentment can creep in.
Is uni placement definitely going to go ahead for her to attend? I imagine it will be quite difficult in the current climate and could be postponed? x

@FrancesHaHa it's a sandwich year that she's been on since September, and will be going back to. It's in an nhs setting, so no other students etc. She hasn't made any friends and doesn't like it.

@763freedom it's not uni per se - it's a Year In Industry year so she'll be going to work

And being paid? If so you need to agree a rent and some expectations like cleaning her room and after herself.

As she's going to be living with you, I.e. not a visitor, have a house "meeting " with her in the first day or so to agree what works for all of you (her included) and agree to review together frequently.
Get DH to pre warn her you'll be doing this and involve to ease the conversation.

Include things like who cooks
Who cleans her spaces
Use of washing machine
Shopping bills etc.

Ask her what would make her comfortable

Unless you want to act as the unpaid servants running what is akin to a hotel for her again, you say no to this person visiting you for 3 months.

Your DH is also a problem here and his dynamic with his siblings is well messed up. He is putting them first and has not been previously all that worried unduly about upsetting you in the process; he is very much in a fear, obligation and guilt state in respect of his family.

What if anything here do you know about his family, what was it like for your DH growing up?. And if your H is going to speak to her in advance, then why has he not done this before?. Will he merely bluster and go around in circles?.

His boundaries here are very skewed as are yours. Where are your own boundaries at here with regards to his sister?. You have previously allowed yourselves to be treated here like dirt, she being shy and anxious is no excuse at all for not being able to ask for what they want or help themselves to anything!. She is more than capable but is someone also who expects everyone else like her mug brother and his wife to run around after her. Her siblings are the self same, let this pampered princess go somewhere else to find someone else to mug off. The real world beckons.

All parties here need to fully establish well in advance, so not on the day she arrives, what is expected of each other here. Ground rules from you as a couple need to be fully in place here.

And why does she not have any friends?. There are reasons why this is.

Being shy doesn't equal being a pampered princess.

OP, you just need some ground rules. A rota where she's involved in household tasks, and maybe her own food cupboard/shelf in the fridge for stuff that she can buy and help herself to (maybe including breakfast stuff?), so you're not having to constantly offer her food and drink (outside family meal times).

I may be very harsh but I've seen how similar has gone here and the people on the receiving end are indeed used.

His sister should be capable enough to get her own food and drink in any event, she should not be using OP and her brother here as her personal man servants and nor should OP and her H be putting themselves forward as such. His sister has to fit in around you people, not the other way around.

Clear expectations that make explicit what is and isn’t going to work, where tensions might be, where boundaries lie etc.
Include
Meals -who cooks when and who clears. She might love to learn to cook properly and time spent teaching will be a sound investment. I think it’s unreasonable not to help and also unreasonable to always be expected to clear away but never be allowed to cook.
Laundry - who is responsible for what, when things can be thrown in the laundry basket and when you do your own.
Cleaning - expectations about how often, specific sharing of chores, own space.
Music - how loud, where, times it’s acceptable.
Privacy - knocking or not, private time.
Helping yourself - what is and isn’t available for shared consumption, food, drinks, alcohol, makeup, toiletries etc
Routine- expectations around lie ins versus keeping others awake into the early hours.
Money - rent if being paid, contributing to housekeeping, exchanges such as childcare for free keep, use of car etc

Problems occur because of poor communication.

I feel sorry for the girl coming if you’re going to have that attitude.

You clearly don’t want her there so don’t have her round. The washing up thing and contribution can be solved with one simple conversation.

I’d hate to be in a house where I already felt anxious and uneasy and then to have someone acting like they don’t want me there.

You’ve said she’s shy and doesn’t have many friends, but you don’t want her in the living room with your or her brother all the time? I think it’s pretty naff, OP.

Maybe you could clear her some space in the cupboard/fridge. That may make her feel responsible for her own breakfast and lunch anyway. I do think the key to it all working out is communication. I would sit down with your dh and make up a list if what you'd like, then get him to talk to her before hand. For example, she will cook for you all once or twice a week, you cook twice a week, your dh twice a week, who ever doesn't cook does the dishes. Life is so much easier when people talk. I guess the difficult bit will be mot having time to yourself with your dh. You could always go off to your bedroom for early night. Idk?

She may be shy or she may just be lazy, but either way, you need to lay down the ground rules up front. Also, stop being so passive.

A young adult family member of DH's moved in with us for three months. On day 1 I told him what he could and could not help himself to and what always had to be available for us and kids (eg sufficient bread/cereal/milk for breakfast etc). I felt absolutely zero need beyond that to offer him snacks/drinks unless I happened to be making for myself.

I didn't give him a rota for cleaning etc because he was working shifts. I did, however, feel zero guilt if he was at home I'd call him from his room to come unload dishwasher/set table etc. After dinner I'd tell him it was his turn to load up the dishwasher while I had a cup of tea. I'd send him out to buy bread/milk etc or ask him to pick such items up on his way home. The same young man stayed with another family member and drove them crazy because he never offered to do this stuff and kept finishing off bread or whatever. I appreciated their irritation but also felt that expecting a 21 year old to have the same common sense as a "proper" adult was unreasonable (and in his case, his core family are beyond useless too).

Ditto, at the beginning we agreed he didn't have to pay rent but DH and I told him that if he stayed beyond the original time period of 6 weeks, he would need to start paying a small weekly amount. Which he did for 3 weeks until he moved into his new place.

I do understand the instinct to think that people should KNOW not to be inconsiderate etc etc, but I also think that family dynamics especially can be complicated. if she's used to being the baby of the family, it may need some adjusting for her to understand you're not her mum or her big brother.

[incidentally, i learnt this after a big fight with my baby brother and his, much younger, girlfriend who treated my house like a hotel. When I lost it, brother pointed out that while he appreciates why I was annoyed, why didn't I just tell them what to do. I was indignant and righteous. But from the sheer reality of being practical, he was right].

As others have said, communication is key, and rather than your DH speaking to her beforehand, I think you all need a chat about expectations when she arrives.

If she is being paid, she needs to contribute something, even if only the cost of extra food and bills. Maybe she buys her own breakfast and lunch, as a PP said, then you share cost of meals?

Agree expectations in terms of cooking, cleaning etc. How is she at home, does she help out there? Has she lived away at uni in earlier years, if so, she must be capable of looking after herself?

In terms of the social side, my DS is now home for good from uni. He has a couple of evenings per week, max, when he might be in his room on a group chat with local or uni friends, and is in and out at a PT job, but otherwise is with us, either watching TV, helping with jobs - garden etc, or walking the dog, either alone or with us. I wouldn’t expect him to disappear to his room in evenings to give us time to ourselves, but I guess it’s slightly different as this is his home.

Both he and younger sister help with chores and cooking.

You can surely get some alone time by asking her to babysit some nights whilst you go for a walk, or a meal/drink once places open up?

You both need to be on the same page and agree to what needs to be done eg: her chores or payment if she is allowed guests .. maybe she can go somewhere over the weekends to give you some private family time .. etc .. if your husband does not have your back or if he is not going to be on the same page as you, you will be doing what you have been doing and resentment is going to build up! Liking a person does not always mean you can live with them over an extended period of time.

@BlingLoving said it much better than me! And she is right, young adults don’t always think like proper adults and need telling sometimes.

I have had similar with my 2, expecting them to do something and them not doing, and then they say “why didn’t you just ask us to do it?”

We got to the stage with DD (gap year retail job) of leaving her a list of tasks when we were out at work and she was home. She was willing, but just didn’t ‘think’!

Now we all at home, with kids in and out at PT jobs, we have a weekly sheet for dog walking and dishwasher emptying tasks, who is cooking what and when etc, we do meal planning together on a Sunday evening. The task allocation can change as the week goes on, but helps with food shopping and ensures than they don’t expect DH and I to do everything as we WFH.

To answer a few points - she's not being paid anything (actually she has to pay fees for this year!).

Yes, I absolutely agree it's about communication! I just want to make sure that it's not being put in the "bad guy" position as DH is fine with how things are.

Well can you get your dh to understand that while he may not mind acting as a servant for three months, you certainly do? And that your feelings do matter?

@Chamomileteaplease yes, he really does get it and he will be talking to her because he wants her to develop these skills anyway!

Like I said, I'm just nervous about it and I don't want it to be a nightmare! I'm quite a private person anyway, and as much as I like her I'm not looking forward to feeling tense in my own home!

@Mama05 what bit of I'm happy for her to come, she's a lovely girl and DD absolutely adores her! in the OP, do you not understand? You seem to have decided that the OP feels the exact opposite and I have no idea why.

It's not difficult to set out expectations and ground rules. It doesn't have to be in a dictatorial way; just say 'To make sure we're all comfortable, we all need to chip in.'. Set up a rota for the first couple of weeks if it helps to get patterns of behaviour set in.

She is an adult and should be treated as such. Being shy doesn't stop you doing the washing up!

On the plus side, you'll have a live in, free, baby sitter. One you don't have to get home early for, so she can get home at a sensible time. Make the most of it!

She isn’t a girl, she’s a woman. I’d set expectations, ground rules, contributing to food etc. You shouldn’t be waiting around on her.
Pay X a week for food etc and help yourself to what you want.