How to support a new man following death of exW.

[bespectacledrooster]

I am at a loss.I cannot sleep tonight.
I am in a brand new situation where I am
Chatting and video calling with a man for the last month.
His exW has died. They were not on speaking terms.There was great sadness in terms of addiction and related difficulties in their marriage.I am led to Believe that all necessary interventions were made over a period that over 15 years but sadly, none was a success.
Please advise we how to support . I cannot t see him. He is heartbroken.

I think you need to work on making your life busy, fulfilled & work on yourself, so that the emotional issues of someone you’ve been speaking to online for 4 weeks are not taking up so much of your time mentally / emotionally. He’s essentially using you in place of therapy ! Also you are enjoying this role for some pay off it give you - maybe playing this therapist / nurse role gives you focus or fulfills you on some level too. It’s nice to have something to care about.... but not when it comes at the cost of your dignity & self respect !

Yes it it common for someone going through emotional turmoil to request space.

I think you need to stop focusing on what you should do about him & start making your life very full so he is not such a main focus.

Thanks for your replies.
Truth be told I feel a weight lifted that he has asked for space because I did not know what to do or how to be. He is a good and kind man, who is in pain. I had no issue in being a listening ear on those couple of occasions.
My dignity and self respect are healthy and fine. I had just hoped for guidance in the unchartered waters. I'm not one to suddenly stop contact in a situation like this.
Yes it was brief in that it was a month but we had being building a connection and really
Enjoyed getting to know one another. Of course Il disappointed but we may pick up again. In the meantime, I'll move along and let him be , I guess.

Having just got out of a relationship where I was bearing the emotional burden - run. You have not met this man. You should not ne the centre of his world.

Why are you putting so much emotional effort into someone you don't even know?

He rang me one evening and we spoke for a long time about lots f things including his wife

Why are you tolerating this? It sounds so draining. You didn't even know the woman - you barely know this man.

@ChewChewIsMySpiritAnimal . I feel
Sorry for him. It is tragic . I have text him once a day and received two
Calls from him. I don't consider that to be a massive amount of energy or effort. I'm on here to ask if anyone has any advice or wisdom as to how to deal
With it . He has asked for space which as I said previously , feels like a weight lifted.
Thanks

He asked for space. Listen to him. Don’t think about it, Just leave it now.

How do you know if any of what this person is telling you is factual? I would think it is a red flag that he is seeking sympathy from a stranger. Why is he not confiding in his close friends or family who know him well? Why would anyone be expecting a stranger to show pity for them, and be appealling to them for ongoing support ?
It is possible, and very easy, for strangers to maqcuarade themselves as the victim.

*masquerade

Uh he’s not your problem to be harsh
Why is he not pouring his heart out to friends or family instead of you? It’s a bit strange

He's given you an out. Take it.

Seriously if he really means it that he needs space why wont he leave YOU alone and stop seeking a partner at such a tragic time in his life?

I mean this kindly, you need to toughen up for online dating. You don’t need to get so involved with people so quickly. Be on your guard, there’s a lot of shit people out there and you need to protect yourself. It’s awful what’s happened to this man but you need to walk away and let him get on with it

I'd send him some ready meals or something so he eats, if you can get someone to deliver.

Maybe like this? www.parsleybox.com/product/expressbundle/?gclid=EAIaIQobChMI167F7u3O6QIVVuvtCh1o8gGQEAAYASAAEgLutPD_BwE

@Clymene yes..I'm
Inclined to see it like this. I did feel a weight lifted and am more at ease now that there's no contact. I wish him well but I didn't know how to be as the situation was so unusual. I feel relief now and can get on with my own life and maybe we might pick up again in time.

Tell him that a personal situation has arisen and you are off air indefinitely. You owe the stranger nothing. No details of your personal life are any of this strangers business. If he is a fake, he is clever at guilting strangers into thinking they owe him sympathy, and no doubt will demand to know your personal situation.
Do not feel bad for feeling relieved that you are getting a break. Run

He is not a fake and he has told
Me that he is taking time and space away from everyone for now so as a pp stated, he has given me an out thatI am relieved to take

Call me callous but it’s his ex wife....

I think some people sadfish for attention.

I wouldn’t give a single shit if my exH died and I have two dc with him. In fact he could be dead for all I know. 🤷‍♀️

You haven’t met the guy. Get rid of the misery.

@MashedSpud that may be but op was not talking about your situation but somebody elses.

Glad you can get away. I hope you keep wary when he comes back. If he contacts you again saying he is wanting to be 'just friends' I would tell him you are too busy, met someone else, changed situation, are not available, protect yourself and wish him the best.

@Cinderella66 I have seen a rise in people acting like Queen Victoria in mourning over someone they had a brief friendship with in 1985.

It’s draining.

Please protect yourself and put yourself first, OP.

Either he is telling the truth and placing unreasonable and inappropriate demands upon you and compromising your emotional wellbeing or he is lying and you have had a very lucky escape.

What pp said.

Sorry but it sounds fake as fuck to me. A tactic like love bombing to foster closeness fast. To make you feel needed. A normal person doenst turn to someone they've known a month for emotional support. Certainly not to the degree you are talking about.

He is asking for a few days space to get you to be worried for him. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Then he will come back. I wouldn't be surprised if some more bad things start happening to him in succession. Eg: his landlord wants him to move out. Or he loses his job due to covid and needs rent money.

I'd bet my ass it's a con. But if not, he still isnt right to be laying this on you. He barely knows you.

Thanks@Bunnymumy . He isn't a fraud. It is all entirely true and awful as I am very conscious of old scams and catfishing etc .
I have done the usual searches and we did videocall loads and because of his work, he is in the papers/ internet etc a bit so it's solid and true.
You are right that he shouldn't load it on me. He did apologise and has now pulled away completely so I feel somewhat free even though I did feel guilty.

That's good you did your research.

Dont feel guilty, it wasnt your place to be his crutch. Hopefully he has realised that now. But you might not want to rely on that. Shore up your own boundaries: 'I'm sorry for your loss but I'm not really the person you should be talking to about this' ect...