Pass the cookies please

[Complimentarytreats]

I don’t have a full-blown addiction to anything in particular but I have a highly addictive personality. I comfort-eat & comfort-drink but I don’t even early qualify as an alcoholic (I always know when to stop, I don’t change or get aggressive etc).

Lockdown has made this so much worse and it’s causing frequent rows with my STBEXH, who I’m still living with. I woke up this morning thinking about the wine I’d have tonight. I’ve put on weight from daily treats and I’m constantly just looking for the next fix.

Anyone in the same boat?

Anyone know any good books on comfort eating or mild alcohol addiction or just the all-round addictive personality type?

*nearly

I don't know of any books and I don't drink, BUT I am constantly thinking about food! I am slim though, but started to put on weight again partly because of lockdown partly other reasons. I love food but do manage to be strict with myself, I just can't stop thinking about it! I think the main reason I am quite strict with myself, is because I get very uncomfortable if I over eat, so that stops me. My trick is to 1. Just fantasise, not to actually keep eating, and 2. It dawned on me you just feel worse afterwards 3. If it's a boredom thing, with eating, unless you literally keep eating all evening you have to fill time with other interests, (if that makes sense) and if it's just TV, at least watch something that absorbs you.

Thanks. I feel uncomfortable from over eating too but I still do it! I’ve been a comfort eater my whole life. I’ve gone through phases of dieting & being told I look great but I always end up back here.

STBEXH finds it infuriating which adds to my shame!

I’m always thinking about food and my partner and I are foodies and love to eat. It is our vice and we have to be careful (we’re both a little overweight, though have been losing recently).

As for comfort eating, yes it can be a problem for me. When my dad died (I was a kid) my mother and grandmother were not good at dealing with emotions in a constructive way and just used to feed. I also lunge for wine when I’m extremely stressed.

Anyway, Fat Is A Feminist Issue by Susie Orbach is a classic book dealing with emotional and disordered eating. There’s a mini version called On Eating which I recommend. It’s easy to dip into and refocus.

Thanks for the book recommendation.

I’m tired of the co stand seesaw. When I imagine giving up alcohol & sugar, I imagine being very very sad even though I’d be thin. I’ve never been able to understand really disciplined people and they never seem to be able to tell you why they’re so disciplined or how they do it. Any disciplined people out there? SPILL!

*constant

I think for a lot of people who aren’t either eating or thinking about what delicious thing they might cook and eat next (the only two states I operate in), it’s not so much discipline as their natural way of being. Some people just don’t enjoy food all that much. I don’t know if I envy them or not.

Ha ha. Those are the only two states I operate in too! My STBEXH has major issues with it though & it has me wondering if I’ve a bigger issue than just loving food & drink a bit too much. I know it shouldn’t matter what he thinks yada yada but we are on lockdown together so it’s pretty much impossible not to be affected. My weight fluctuates a lot as a result. I never got the whole ‘nothing tastes as good as skinny feels’ thing!

I slept with a skinny man once, it did not feel good. It was like shagging skeletor.

I'm pretty muted towards food I see it as a PITA to make anything and usually survive on the quickest and easiest options lazy! .

Those just add hot water porridge pots, pot
Noodles, proper meals in evening trying to cater
For a 4Yr old too.

Our diet isn't great as she's a picky eater but I do my best.

Have you tired doing one day on one day off so to speak and then it's not a huge deal one 24hrs if no alcohol & sugar?

I bet there are really useful facebook groups around this subject you could join and realise your ok and jay human..

If it's not affecting you health then crack on?

@WinterAndRoughWeather

Ouch

@Nofilter
I’d love to try one day on & one day off! That is actually a pretty good idea

I go days without alcohol but when I break the weekends only rule for booze my STBEXH has imposed, he gets rather unhappy and that’s what affects my health! I can’t seem to kick it these days ... there is nothing edible that isn’t appealing

Yes, there are some who find it easy as they aren't particularly interested in food, but I am. So, I have to be firm with myself. I am ok during the day as I keep busy, but find evenings hard. Although I strive to keep my weight down, (I do it for health reasons mainly), but also realise that life is to be enjoyed, so do allow a small treat daily, and a bigger one occasionally. I've learnt to enjoy healthy food more. If you're otherwise in good health OP, don't worry about it too much at this stage. I think one day you will naturally cut down then it will be easier.

Thanks. I have some health issues and I’m gaining weight. The arguments at home are really bothering me too so there are very good reasons to change my ways. I just feel less motivated to than ever these days. If anyone knows of any good books, that’d be great. I’ll check out Fat is a Feminist Issue.

I do find On Eating more useful than Fat Is A Feminist Issue. FIAFI is interesting but there’s a lot of stuff about competition and mothers and stuff that I didn’t find particularly relevant to my habits.

There’s an excellent chapter in Nigella Lawson’s How To Eat on dieting as well. She gets it, from the perspective of a glutton. Some good recipes too.

What’s worked well for me is learning about hunger and when I’m really hungry, as opposed to just peckish or bored. Apparently fasting is good for the body as it helps regulate blood sugar, whereas snacking all the time means there’s constant sugar spikes. We practice 16:8 intermittent fasting. I think the science is maybe a bit overstated, I don’t know (there aren’t enough studies), but it works for us as a way of eating, as we don’t feel hungry in the mornings anyway. We eat between 1pm and 9pm, and only two meals a day with an afternoon snack of fruit or a hard boiled egg or something.

We only have pasta and rice once or twice a week, and bread and alcohol are for weekends only.

We by no means stick to these rules rigidly. Our haloes are very tarnished and at times like Christmas or holidays all bets are off. Following them about 80% of the time though seems to work for us.

Until just over a year ago we had a very stressful couple of years and we turned to wine and takeaways to cope / distract. We’ve been steadily losing the weight we put on by loosely following the above.

I'd really recommend brain over binge - there's a book, a comprehensive series of podcasts, a work book and even personal and group mentoring. Start with the podcasts from the beginning.

There is also Progress not Perfection podcasts with Allen Standing which charts a binge eating disorder from a male perspective and is also good.

@WinterAndRoughWeather
I never heard of On Eating, so thanks; I'll check that out. I read Nigella's How to Eat in the past but lost it. I must buy another copy. I remember reading it and thinking that she got it!

When you say you used wine and food to cope with stress in the past, that's exactly what I do. I eat my emotions but my STBEXH who I live with doesn't so he gets very angry with me about it and it's just a mess on a mess then!

Your routine sounds excellent. I'd be lying if I said I'd do it. I have all the theory but I think it's an emotional issue and it won't change until I tackle it from that perspective. Many thanks.

@pennysays
Thank you. I'll check out Brain Over Binge. Appreciate it.

If it’s an emotional issue then FIAFI would be a good read for you. On Eating is by the same author and is a distillation of the principles.

Stress eating is a weird one for me. If a situation is immediate and all-consuming, like the big day of a major work project or a personal catastrophe, I don’t eat at all. I have to force something down when I remember. If it’s an ongoing stressful situation that I can’t actively do anything to deal with day to day, that’s when I comfort eat.

Our routine is easier now because the ongoing situations that were stressful have gone. I do need to break the habit though because you know, shit happens.

Unfortunately, because my partner loves to eat, he’ll go along with my comfort eating, even though he’s not a comfort eater per se.

@WinterAndRoughWeather
Well, it's good he's not adding to any stress I guess!

I'll definitely order FIAFI. This is a life-time pattern to be honest.

Good on you for getting some control over it though - it's inspiring.

I suppose I meant that I don’t really know how in control of it I am actually. We’ll see when the shit next hits the fan.

Yeah I know what you mean. I've gone through phases of being very in control and then a stressful event happens (like this one) and I'm literally just thinking of my next fix!

One thing I’m much more concerned with now I’m pushing 40 is my health. I can’t afford to let my weight creep up now and then like I did in my 20s and early 30s.

I have PCOS so I have to be super careful at my age to avoid getting diabetes. Reading about the health problems that come from being overweight does help scare me “straight”.

I’m healthy now, but it’s going to be harder and harder to stay healthy, so I need to shift a bit more of the excess weight and keep it off.

I do think I must have an iron deficiency, because I’ve been adding up the milligrams of iron I eat on an average day and it doesn’t come close to the recommended amount for pre-menopausal women. I can’t understand how any woman is getting enough iron unless they’re eating liver and black pudding with every meal.

You could have been describing me! I did give up sugar about a year ago, though, but it was very much a bolt from the blue thing, so not totally helpful as I can't really tell you how I did it. As someone who could easily end up with a bit of an alcohol problem, I regard drink-free days as the price to pay for not every having to give up drinking completely as I would have to do if I ever got a full-on drink problem. That helps (I'm currently gritting my teeth through a booze-free May, gah). I would also say it is no longer your STBXH's issue - he doesn't have any place to tell you what you should/should not do if it's not impacting on any children, etc. If there's a habit element to any of it, Gretchen Rubin's Better Than Before is worth a read. Do you get enough exercise, do you think? Would that help with everything in general?

The reason I said earlier about not worrying about it too much at this stage, is because I wondered if with your husband being there interfering, you could be setting yourself up for a fall. It appears as if he's making things worse? Causing you to stress then you reach for the food and drink. Although I think you said you've always been like it. Anyway, as you said you know the theory, but now you are making a start. Get the books and start by absorbing them before doing anything else. One thing I used to do was if I'd over eaten, I would then eat even more because 'I might as well, I've messed up'. It doesn't matter if you mess up sometimes. Also, although I said don't worry about it if you're healthy, I meant at the moment, not in the long term. As a pp said, there comes a time when at worst these things do start affecting health, at best make you feel like crap. You will start to understand yourself more and the emotions behind it.

Thanks for your responses. Yeah, I do think I'm in a particularly stressful situation so am reaching out for food and drink more than usual.

That's a good point about cutting back on alcohol to prevent ever having to give it up! I totally get that logic.

A very good point about age and weight gain. I've got away with it until now but not really anymore. My belly looks pretty bad now and I know it's my own fault - yet I'm just back from the shops with packets of biscuits!

I'll check out 'Better than Before' as well as FIAFI. They say the first step is admitting you've a problem so I do admit that much!