Am I normal/loneliness and feeling like a loner

[crossroads1]

Hi all,

a bit of a strange post here but on/off for the past 10 years or so i have started to feel quite lonely. Im 32 and i feel there's something really missing in my life which i have always wanted. It isnt a boyfriend/husband as I am currently engaged, it isnt a man or a relationship - its friends.

I feel like i have missed the boat on a lot of things and it makes me feel really depressed. I want a friends group, a tribe but the places where you can establish this i feel like i have missed out on all because of my own fault. I could have lived out at uni and made a ton of friends but I chose to stay at home. I had a group of school friends when i was younger but everyone started to fade. I now have a lovely and caring fiance who is the life of the party, he has a lot of friends and everyone loves him - me included, and although he is bringing me into his friendship group a part of me resists because I feel they are his friends not mine. i dont want to impose (even though i know its silly) but I feel like ppl judge me.

I see people on social media who have had loads of holidays with their friends, hen dos (I doubt i could have one because i dont know who would turn up) and big weddings and birthdays - all of which i wish i could have done and could do in the future. I feel so stupid and alone some days when i see how other ppl have so many friends. Even throughout my jobs I cant seem to find like minded ppl. I am a sociable person and want to make new friends but I cant seem to find them (even typing that makes me feel stupid). It has even made me start to doubt my relationship - my fiance wanted to do an enagagement party to which i kept hesistating to.. in all honesty because I didnt know who would turn up out of my life. We had one in the end and it was great - i really like to go to events and to plan things but I feel Im lacking and maybe my fiance should be with someone else as popular as him. I dont want to be a downer for him. I dont even want to think about a wedding because of all the planning/people that come with it. 90% would be his ppl and 10% mine. and I dont want to restrict him but I do because I feel insecure, lonely and sad that I dont have a group of friends. Is this normal? Has anyone felt this way or am i just destined to be this way?

Hey! I don’t know if it’s normal or not but you certainly aren’t alone! I am the same. I know people but I don’t have any proper friends who I can call up and go out with if that makes sense. I feel the same if I had a party, it’d just be my family that turn up. X

And I’m 28!

Do you have any hobbies or interests where you could meet new people? The website Meet Up is good for making friends too. I've only been to a couple of events pre lockdown and people were really welcoming. I will definitely go to more once i can

These insecurities will affect your relationship. Stop worrying. You are basing your idea of friends on unreal representations on TV etc. You might have made uni friends but you didn't. That's done. It sounds like you have a lovely dp so embrace that and his friends and when lockdown is over you can do some if the things suggested - join groups etc.

There is a Mumsnet Local page on here - maybe start with that or join some FB groups on topics you are interested in. But please don't let this small thing - the fantasy of a big hen do or wedding - spoil your life. They are mere hours in a marriage. X

I found volunteering a great way to make friends, maybe it's something you could try? I have a small group of friends but sometimes still feel lonely. Some friends I've known since childhood and I'm maybe finding I've different ideals to and it can lead to lonely conversations. Others then bring me more joy.

It's ok to be an introvert too btw! Nothing wrong with us

I am very similar to you - 30 years old, struggle to maintain friendships despite being pretty sociable and I also went to uni! I have friends dotted all over the place but I'm not part of a group which has made me very sad over the years. I feel really lonely sometimes but I think you just have to focus and be grateful for the relationships you already have in your life. Try to keep yourself busy and perhaps join a running group or something similar when lockdown is over. I have met lots of people through this. We all have a unique story and some of us won't have that close knit friendship group and that's ok : ) Cultivate the relationship you have with your fiance, as you say he is caring and lovely so you are very fortunate in that respect and lastly try to practise self-love and compassion.

Just wanted to say you are not alone, I'm in the same boat partly due to career choice and confidence issues when I was younger which I now deeply regret. I didn't have a hen do or party for my baby's first birthday as I was so worried that nobody would want to come. Felt devastated at the time about the latter as I somehow felt my lack of friends was starting to impact my child. I think events such as weddings seem to amplify it but it isn't such a massive deal in normal day to day life. But painauchoc04 words have touched me as also really fortunate to have a loving a supportive DP which many don't.

Don’t worry about missing out on making friends at uni. You should be able to make friends at every stage of life. A lot of uni friendships may have run their course and people are moving onto their next friends for a season. Just keep on going and getting out there. Joining a club or starting a hobby is a good place to start as there’s bound to be people there who are looking to start new friendships.

I know what you mean about wanting your own friends separate to your DF. Good luck, hopefully you will find someone you click with soon.