My brother came out as gay to me today - not sure how to support

[ShineYourLight2]

Called my younger brother today (he is early 20s) and he came out as gay. Not really a surprise and I'm pleased he found his truth. However, this is where it gets tricky. We come from a VERY conservative family (African culture) and we both know that him coming out to my parents just wouldn't be an option.

He could cope with being disowned but it would be much worse than that. Think ignorance to the level of "pray the gay away". Unfortunately I know he is right and that they would never ever understand, would disown him and turn the community against him.

I've told him that I'm pleased he found someone he is happy with, he will always be welcome in my home with my family and we would welcome his partner too.

However, since he has told me - I have this awful, sick feeling in my stomach. Not because he is gay. But because I know that if he got "found out" (he lives in the South and my parents in the North), his life would be utterly miserable. Not only from my parents but also from the community. He will soon start to be questioned (as we all were annoyingly) about settling down, finding a nice girl and having children.

How can I be supportive and happy when I know he will have years and years of utter shite coming his way?? I'm worried, saddened and disappointed about the treatment he is going to get from this (there is no chance of them saying he is our son so we will love him regardless etc). I so want to be able to tell him that everything will be alright but it won't be. He isn't thick skinned either so will take it all personally.

Oh you poor things.

My daughter told us she was bi at 10. At 12, she told us she was gay. She knew that we would love, support and admire her as she was, whatever she was.

I think all you can do is give your support and unconditional love, refuse to buy into the familial and community bullshit, and really encourage him to find support, community and friendship outside of the family and conservative community - perhaps encouraging him to hook up with LGBT+ support societies, particularly if there are any within the cultural community?

I'm so glad your brother felt he could be himself to you. That's no small beer - not for him, and not for you.

I'm not sure whether coming out (even to other gay people) inside his own community would be wise - it would put him at risk of outing and blackmail. Definitely support groups and LGBT groups, but I would keep that support outside his own ethnic community if he wants to keep that link to family and home community in the North.

OP, you must be so worried for him. Just stand by him no matter what and take his lead on who he wants to know. If he wants to keep the secret at home, that's his choice to make. He's lucky to have you on his team (and no doubt you feel lucky to have him too). 💐

@mbosnz; your daughter is so lucky to have parents like that. That is the way it should be - seems to me that for some people in my culture, that sort of support and love only happens when you live according to their rules.

@PicsInRed; totally agree - I've told him to be careful in public, not to trust random people with this and keep himself safe. Again, what horrifying and depressive words to say when someone tells you something that they have obviously been struggling with sharing.

It's good that he has you as a sister he can trust. Other posters are probably right that he should keep it quiet from the rest of the family. Continue to support him by keeping in touch regularly and welcoming him to your home. He is lucky to have you.

Your brother is very lucky to have you. You sound like an amazing and caring sister. I feel so sad for both of you that your family and community would turn their back on him if they knew. I can't really give you any good advice about this. Your post just really touched me. My 15 year old daughter told me she was gay around 6 months ago and I honestly am so glad she told me and I'm so proud of her. I would do anything to protect her. Just keep supporting your brother the way you are. Thank goodness he has you.

I've told him to be careful in public, not to trust random people with this and keep himself safe.

If he chooses this way for himself then support him in it but I wouldn’t tell him to hide his truth.

He may find that living a lie is too difficult and he’d rather be ostracised but true to himself. He’d also be paving the way for other gay people in your community but being out.

Just to clarify: I’m not suggesting he live an unhappy, unsafe life. But I’m saying whatever he chooses is up to him.

does he live with your parents?
do you think he is safe?
I say this because people in your brother's position can be victims of domestic abuse

www.nazandmattfoundation.org/
check this out OP

I'm lucky to have him to trust me with this. Hate the thought of him not having any family around him at the time.

RedRed9; that is a really fair point - I don't want him to feel as though everyone (myself included) is telling him how to be. Didn't see the irony in that when I said it or until you just mentioned that to be honest. Will address that with him tomorrow.

StillWeRise; no he lives a few hours away from them. I think he is safe at the moment - he has a great friend network and is in regular contact with us.

How does he feel about your parents and the rest of the family? Could he go NC or does he want to stay in touch with them all and have to lie about his life? It's going to be so hard, not just for him, but for his partner too, who is always going to have to be denied to the family.

I'm glad he has you to support him.

I was quite lucky when I came out to my family. My mum and sister had a brief wobbly but they just got over it.

It’s truly sad the consequences your brother will face for just being who he is, It’s sad that even in 2020 there are still people who don’t accept that people should be able to love whichever consenting adult they choose, and who chooses them.
If I was your brother I’d be glad to have a sister like you who I know would have my back. Please stand by him, even if it makes things difficult for you. I’m sure you will even though it’ll doubtless have consequences for you too, but if attitudes are ever to change in your community it’ll be people like you who bring it about.

Good luck to both of you. I hope it doesn’t turn out as bad as you imagine but sadly I’m not naive enough to think it won’t.

@StillWeRise; just skim reading that link - looks really informative and supportive - thank you!!!

If I were him I'd move a long way away from them and tell them when I was there.

Disowned for being gay in 2020 he would be better without poisonous parents in his life.

@Zaphodsotherhead; strangely (?!) he is incredibly close to my mum - so I think he would be gutted not to be in her life. She is actually very motherly and loving but trapped by how all of us are perceived by others and living the "right" way. I am aware that this seems in direct conflict with being motherly and loving - it's all conditional ultimately I suppose. My dad is a dick - always has been, always will be. Don't think he will be too fussed about not having him around - I'll gladly tell him to fuck off for him but those are my issues!

@Whatisthisfuckery - I know. Ignorant fucks. That's all really. Sadly my other brothers (late 20's) also share these outdated views, so it's not all of us in this generation who will make the difference.

The LGBT foundation have loads of support & are currently operating (not face to face). They can offer advice to both you and him.

lgbt.foundation/

I think you need to challenge - for yourself - the idea that it is not an option to come out to your parents. It IS an option though not one he should be pushed into (and indeed may choose not to do). Have you asked him how he would like to be supported? I'd start with that. Also bear in mind that if the community is as bigoted as you say he may have already started to think about becoming part of a more loving and accepting community.

I come from a very homophobic culture, the way I have supported my gay friends is by listening, not judging and Letting them choose who they want to tell and when themselves.

It’s a surprisingly common issue, if you spend time around gay people you’ll discover theres something most never mention, childhood and family because most of us had shit childhoods and many of us no longer have a family in the traditional sense.

As someone from an equally backward background (Pakistani), it’s much better to ditch the family you share DNA with, be yourself and find a new family who actually love you for you. I have a mum, I don’t share DNA with her, but that doesn’t matter, family is about people who love and care for you, it isn’t the people who made you. So my son has a Grandma, he also has aunts and uncles who will always be there for him.

If someone chooses not to then they’re choosing never getting married, never introducing a partner, never having children, never having family in their home without having to make sure any evidence of a second person is removed, if you have social media zero pictures, mentions of anniversarys etc. It isn’t a healthy way to live.

I have a few friends who aren’t out to their families, while we’re all a bit screwed up from growing up gay they are the ones who struggle the most with their mental health.

You have to essentially do nothing and follow his lead, which is probably very frustrating, but anything he does need to be his choice and at what he considers the right time for him.

My ex made the short documentary below about growing up gay, it’s quite good, it also features my lovely mum.

www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p057nfy7

I don’t know if it’s still available, but Reggie Yates made a show specifically about African, Asian and Carribeann homophobia.

Love you @SimonJT

Firstly op, your brother is very lucky to have you and he obviously thinks a lot of you to have shared this with you. I can't imagine how difficult it must be to fear being rejected by your family for something that you haven't chosen.

My brother came out to me as gay a few years ago. He had been married, had a child and the marriage had broken down. To be honest, it wasn't a surprise to me or anyone else but he has had nothing but support and now has a lovely partner. My parents are in their 70's but have been so supportive. They just want their children to be happy, which should be what every parents wants and it makes me sad that this can come with conditions.

My dd also came out to me as gay a couple of years ago (she is 14) and thankfully she knew both me and her dad (although we are not longer together) would be supportive. I can't imagine her not being able to be herself with the people who are supposed to love her the most

Just keep doing what you're doing - support your brother, let him know you love him and be there when he wants to talk things through. The decision about your parents has to be his own but I agree that local support networks can be really helpful. The LGBT Centre closest to me is great for support x

Disowned for being gay in 2020 he would be better without poisonous parents in his life.

It is so easy to recommend another person disown themself.

Utterly horrific and potentially impossible to do to one's own self.

It is a deeply personal decision to cut off all family and childhood friends and community and should be entirely up to the person concerned with zero pressure brought to bear.

If he’s alright with being disowned
He lives in the south and family live in the north

I really don’t think you need to worry about his life becoming a misery.

I am intrigued though that you have a relationship with them given this is the sickening views they have and spout so aggressively