Grass greener on the other side?

[EmmieG11]

I learnt years ago that it’s never greener on the other side so should know better however...

I posted a couple of mo the ago about my partners low sex drive and whether I could stay and suffer for ever or not. I’m currently still suffering...

On top of this issue of sex the other dilemma is that in terms of our relationship (sex aside) I thought I was very happy and I honestly never looked twice at another man but 6 months ago I was at a gig and got talking to a group of men, one of whom I really clicked with. Since then we’ve stayed in contact and we have been able to talk and talk for hours at a time, it’s amazing. My current partner is not chatty and I am, so I find the lack of conversation difficult.
The other guy could probably tell you more about me that he’s learnt in 6 months than my partner has in 4 years.

I feel like the other guy fulfils my needs in terms of friendship and someone to talk to when you’re happy, sad, excited, whatever the feeling is. But I feel bad towards him as he’s on the sideline, there for me when I want to talk, almost like he’s being used.

I think about him a lot and wonder if I had met him when single, would a relationship with him work.
In a way I wish I hadn’t met him because I was blissfully ignorant before, thinking I was happy.

I wonder whether to end my relationship. Not for the other guy, but for the fact that I’m not sure I can spend the rest of my life without that kind of companionship. I don’t just need a partner, I need a best friend!

Has anyone ever had their head turned in this way before? I wonder if anyone can share experiences and what action they took?

Not quite the same, but my relationship with my ex was on the rocks, as we’d just grown apart. I wasn’t looking for anyone else but I met someone who I clicked with in a similar way to what you’re experiencing.

Long story short, ex and I broke up.

The other chap? Reader, I married him.

Oh dear! That story is way too nice and totally not what I needed! Haha!

I was hoping someone would tell me they stayed in their relationship and it was all happily ever after!

If I split with my partner it will devastate him. He seems to think it’s fine to hardly talk, not laugh with each other, not have sex and not have anything in common. He doesn’t strive for anything better for some reason!

Doesn’t sound much fun.

It wasn’t easy to break up with my ex, it was heartbreaking, but it was something we both knew needed to happen, way before I met new chap. We’re still very good friends.

I just thought I’d be single for a while but it didn’t work out that way.

Does your partner know about this amazing ‘friend’ whom you are so attracted to and are channeling so much emotional energy, time and attention into?

It sounds like you are having an emotional affair.

Most of the time the grass is not greener.
Anything new is exciting to be fair. I suspect if you got your sex life back on track your views may change. Have you tried therapy for your partners low drive? I would work on your current partner first tell him how you feel about these things. Be honest and tell him long term you don’t know if you see a future with him if things don’t improve.

It’s not much fun really! Yes as you say, heartbreaking!

It’s not just me I need to think of either. I have a 6 year old daughter who met him when she was 2 and loved him instantly. The idea of ending that relationship between the two of them is a horrible thought. I worry it could cause her some damage!

Then there’s the fact we bought a house together which makes it complicated!

It would be a lot easier in this situation to cheat, but then that’s wrong too!

I have been thinking about wanting a second child in the future before it’s too late for me. If I really think about it, I don’t like the thought of having one with my partner whereas the other guy, I can imagine it, despite the fact he is 13 years older than me and has children who are almost all adults now. For some reason imagining having a child with him feels right!

@MsDogLady yes you’re probably right. It probably is an emotional affair.

He doesn’t know and he wouldn’t notice. I feel like he doesn’t pay me much attention. He thinks he does, but it’s just superficial.

@Bubblebee7 yeah I do tell him that I don’t think we have a future really and he just says “I’ll do whatever you want, I’ll be how you want me to be”
But even if it was right to change someone, he couldn’t change anyway, it’s in his nature to be the way he is!

I have learnt when young that the grass isn’t greener and just because something is new and exciting doesn’t mean it’s worth dropping things for. Also there’s the fact that I don’t know enough about the other guy. I mean I know loads from our chats but do I really know him? I could be one of many women he has on the go. He might not be genuine at all! I’m not soppy and naive when it comes to men fortunately, in fact I’m highly sceptical and will often give them a hard time until I know and trust them.

Exactly. You need to know his bad points and the negatives not just the good things. I wouldn’t base your decision on the other man. I would leave if you feel like you have exhausted all resources with your current partner but not because of the new person.

Well there’re two separate issues here.

Forget about the other man - you don’t think you’re compatible with your partner, you want another kid, but not with him.

Neither of these men are the only fish in the sea.

It’s not exciting and new with my husband now, after ten years together, but we still have lots to talk about and have a lot of fun together.

He seems to think it’s fine to hardly talk, not laugh with each other, not have sex and not have anything in common.

This grass is dead. Regardless, anything else isn't worse.

What are you staying in the relationship for?! It sounds soul-destroying.

You're having what is called "an exit affair", or the beginnings of one, so get on with the exit already.

You will get stories from
Both sides. But you are clearly not happy now.

My dad left my mum for ow. At the time they lasted a year or two and it didn't work out. He met her again a few years later and nearly 35 years later are still together.

My ex left me 3 years ago. We had lost our way after 14 years together small children and work etc. And we had let things go too far. He had someone else meeting his needs. He has recently surfaced telling me the grass wasn't greener it was just different grass and different issues. And he wished we had worked at putting things right with us as he has lost so much. Blah blah blah.

Life is so very short. Do what makes you happy.

Maybe do a bit of digging into dp's life - see if he's doing anything behind your back to explain his coldness - porn/messaging etc...

If clean, set out a length of time to invest and give the relationship a go. If the other guy is happy to wait in the background, you're lucky and will have a back-up

There is no answer to your question. I know people who left when not totally sure it was the right thing to do who afterwards said it was the best decision of their lives, whether they remained single afterwards or met someone else.

I also have friends who jumped the gun as they were not totally happy with their partner to realise they hated being alone or went from one bad relationship to another and live with regrets as they realised they'd let go of a very good man but were to selfish with their needs to realise then.

The only think you can do is really consider your decision now and whichever you take, accept it and make the best of it, rather than holding in to the 'what might have been'.

You’re fantasising about your friend. You think having a baby with him feels right? You’re getting way into your grass-is-greener daydream aren’t you?

Look, this is a symptom of an unfulfilling relationship of course.
This man may be a better match in some ways but not others.

It's funny, because you say several times "grass isnt greener".
But you clearly hope it is.

As much as you can, take new man out of the equation and have a long, hard look at your relationship. Decide if it's worth saving and either work on it or walk away.
You owe your partner that much at least

I agree .. don’t make any plans that are based on the new man . Most likely he is emotional exit affair .

But have a serious think about if you really want to carry on with your current relationship. It doesn’t sound as if you are fulfilled and life is too short for that , it will drain the life and soul out of you .

Its difficult and I understand.
I split from my ex and it was upsetting for us both . Now we are the very best of friends and meet up very regularly almost dating !
We constantly laugh at how different we are , hobbies , outlook in life ,ambition etc ( in a nice way ) and say “How on earth did we end up married “
He’s lovely I’m lovely (!) but living together ?!?
Drained us 😂😂

We both have better lives now in separate homes !’

I left my boyfriend of 5 years because I was beginning to click with someone I work with. My relationship with my ex sounds similar to yours, little conversation, not much sex etc. One of my friends said if you are even thinking about breaking up with him then you should- she told me to grow some balls and just do it. Best advice ever. I was upset for a bit (the only reason I was sad is because I upset him) but I haven't missed him much at all. Best decision ever!

I made quite a point to myself that I wasn't breaking up with him for someone else, it was for myself. This helped.

I've now moved in with the guy from work and I'm happier than ever! We talk for hours every evening and have sex 1-2 times a day on average, it's amazing.

I could've settled with my ex (there wasn't really anything wrong with our relationship- but neither was there anything very right) but I am SO glad I didn't. We've only got one life, we may as well try and enjoy it!

Hope this help,

P.s. if you break up with your BF then just remember- everything will be fine. This happens to lots of people, don't let logistical things get in the way e.g. living situation

Xx

If I split with my partner it will devastate him. He seems to think it’s fine to hardly talk, not laugh with each other, not have sex and not have anything in common. He doesn’t strive for anything better for some reason!

Exactly this @EmmieG11 We've had the talk, I've told him I can't ever see him as anything more than a friend, we'll never ever have sex again (it's been nine years without) and that I have needs which he can't meet. None of this has had any affect on him whatsoever, and he seems happy to accept this is our life forever, as long as we stay together as a family. He doesn't seem to need anything more, and is accusing me of being selfish because I have at last expressed my feelings that I do need more. So, as for whether the grass is greener or not, as @MrsTerryPratchett said, it sounds like your grass is dead anyway. I know all I've got is a concrete-hard patchy lawn with barely a blade of healthy grass to be seen. Anything else (new relationship or being alone) would be infinitely greener. And yes, I too am in an exit affair. I'd never heard of this til now, but yes, that's exactly what I'm doing. Before I met my new friend, I had totally accepted that the rest of my life was about being a mum and that I wouldn't have any normal adult physical contact again. Then I met someone who set me on fire. And I too wish maybe I hadn't, life would have been simpler, but of course also would continue to me emotionally draining and empty. Whatever happens with my new friend, at least I know I can be loved and wanted, which is something I don't get at home.
I'm hoping to find the strength to do what I know I should do, but it is really really hard. I hope you do too mate xxx

Leave your current relationship as your not happy.

Then see what your new friendship brings..

I left.my very unhappy marriage, and I'm now very happy

@Bearski77 wow, that was good to read as it was a comfort to know someone is going through the same thing!

Interesting as well that you were just accepting things until you met your friend and it’s shown you there’s a different life!

I’ve always been a big believe in doing what makes you happy in this short life and would advise friends to do what makes them happy. But when you’re in that boat yourself, it’s really tricky because making yourself happy comes at a cost to others!

I hope we both get some strength soon! Xx