Need help to be brave

[Needahandhold]

Looking for a handhold and some words of wisdom. I've reached a point where my relationship has to come to an end.
Since we've been together I've been continuously bullshitted, fed so many lies and piss poor excuses for my partner treating me like shit. I've name changed because I don't want this link to other threads in relation to the shit he's put me through as I don't feel strong enough to talk about anything in particular right now but we'd have made it onto Jeremy Kyle show many a times put it that way!

We should have split a good while ago but every time I've known it's the right thing to do I've been a coward and stayed because I've been scared to go it alone with kids. Our youngest is only a few weeks only. I'm going to struggle financially, tbh this is the only reason I've stayed this long. Also the idea of day in day out with the kids alone is daunting as I have 2 under 2. My youngest is EBF so he won't be able to take him away for contact.
Basically I need a massive boot up the arse and be forced to be brave and finally go it alone before I coward out again and smooth things over for an easier life

Is he abusive? Are you feeling safe?
If you separate now, it will have minimal impact on your kids as they’re so young...
How old are you?

Hello lovely, I'm here if you need a chat.

It's hard lovely, but you will manage. Do you have family and friends who can help support you, if you decide to leave?

He's never been physically abuses but fair to say psychologically. I'm late 20s. None of my friends or family are local (about 45 minutes drive) I relocated to be with him prior to having kids.

Would it be possible for you to move back to where your family live?

I'm so sorry you are going through this, it's one of the most difficult times in life

@trustyourinnersatnav
I'm hoping to at some point but lockdown has made it very difficult, so unlikely in a hurry

Yes of course. Have you discussed this with him?

@Trustyourinnersatnav
There's no talking to him any time I try have a conversation regarding kids etc he just uses it as a gate way to tell more lies to get away with his behaviour

You need to make your plans to exit the relationship and just bit by bit put them into action. Kind of have a little robot-you on a mission to get you out on the quiet, putting money aside, speaking to solicitors if needed, or Women's Aid if appropriate, and looking at your housing options etc, while the fluffy human-you hasn't decided anything yet and can still change her mind. Just get stuff in place, so when you're ready you can make the jump.

Although, 45 minutes away isn't far, would family be able to come get you and the dc and put you up for a bit?

Life shouldn't be this hard.

I guarantee you your life alone with 2 kids will be better than living with someone who is supposed to be your partner, supposed to love, respect, support you - and who isn't those things.

The quicker you do this the quicker you are to a happier life.

He's back in our home. He came back through the night and I ran out of energy to argue back and tell him to go, so he's back like he is everytime. He is adamant I'm mentally ill because I'm upset with the way I've been betrayed (particularly through pregnancy). He keeps telling me it's not normal, I'm not normal because I cry. He calls me a lunatic. I cry because I'm heartbroken and lost. I don't know what to do. I try be strong but he won't go and there's nowhere for me to go I'm so stuck and can't imagine ever being happy ever again. I just want a good life with my babies that's all

Oh hun, can you call woman's aid? You can keep it anonymous. If you are, willing to explain everything to them, they can give you guidance and support. If you are confused it might help talking to a professional to help you understand its not OK to live like this

OP - I'm going to be blunt. Because somebody has to... It seems that so far you have drifted through life. Stayed with an abusive, selfish, good for nothing man, even though your gut was screaming at you that this was wrong. And for some bizarre read on you chose to have children with him.

Now, the good thing is that you are fully aware that you have to leave him. Not only for your benefit, but in order to protect your children. You must do this. You have no alternative. So take your children and go to your family, or find a refuge, or call the police and ask for him to be removed ftom your home. Do whichever makes most sense to you, but please do one of these things.

Also: Read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft (free PDF online) and do the Freedom Programme (online).

You can do this. Because you have to.

Do you drive and have a car?
Can you get to your family?
You can absolutely leave a DA situation during lockdown.
Get some essentials together anyway and put them somewhere safe.
If you were my DD, I'd be in my car and with you like a shot to get you away from an abusive man.
Are your family supportive?
Please do what ever you can and reach out to whoever you can to get away.
He has ground you down so far it's hard to see your way out.
But.... people will want to help you.
Reach out - today!