Caught DH deleting messages to ex.

[Colabottle10]

Together 13yrs, married for 7, one DS age 3.

He’s been attached to his phone - first sign eh? So on Sat morning I looked at his phone. Didn’t get a chance to read messages but there was a conversation with a woman called Barbara on his FB messages.

As well as being on his phone, everything has been pretty shit. We have no real relationship other than housemates. Bedroom stuff always been patchy but been non-existent since DS. Not due to any reluctance from me. Always him not wanting to. So no emotional or physical connection. Just housemates.

Saturday I asked him if he was messaging anyone else. He totally denied it, there’s no one else blah blah. Said he’s been suffering from depression the last few years, lots of anxiety. The keeping fit and improving his body purely for anxiety management. Another tick right?

Got himself a new bike so he’s off out on that everyday for an hour too.

So I left it. And checked his phone again yesterday and he’d deleted this conversation with Barbara and I absolutely kicked off. Told him I’d checked his phone and seen what he had done. Rabbit in headlights he was. Said there was nothing in the messages at all. Said he deleted them because he thought I’d have an argument about him getting in touch with an ex. I kicked him out. And went through his laptop and looked at everything I could. Couldn’t find anymore messages but did find porn on his kindle account which was a bit of a shock for someone supposedly not into sex.

Last night, all tears and sorry etc. I told him to message Barbara for screenshots of their conversation in front of me. She did. It was all totally inocuous. Like nothing at all dodgy (as long as he hadn’t got to her before so she could doctor them but who knows?) I just don’t get why he would delete it if not dodgy.

So kicked him into the spare room and told him to go out for the day as I don’t want to be near him.

Initial thoughts? I’m a tough cookie, will end it if it’s the right thing to do.

Said he deleted them because he thought I’d have an argument about him getting in touch with an ex

He was dead right about that much, wasn’t he?

Then:
I told him to message Barbara for screenshots of their conversation in front of me. She did

followed by:
No I didn’t make him get her to send screenshots

Which is it?

I feel sorry for him.

Did he explain the porn? That can have an effect on sex drive as "normal" sex is no longer appealing...

Sorry you're getting this response op - as @LochJessMonster said, it's hypocritical...shake it off

So he gets to lie to you, act in a shady way, and possibly be (at the least) grooming an ex for an affair, and you are meant to take it on the chin because reasons. Poor timid woodland creature that he is!

No sexual or emotional intimacy with you, but chatting away to Barbara behind your back - and yes, he could easily have got anything more than chit-chat removed.

He could have brought up the relationship issues and attempted to deal with them, rather than running to Barbara, surely?

I do believe that the less conscious parts of you may be jumping for joy at the opportunity to get out of this relationship though. It really does sound like it is time. Neither of you appear to be getting your needs met in this relationship.

I think you're looking for a reason to end it as you can't face the simple facts that it's already over.

I’ve spent years trying to initiate sex and am always brushed off and that dents a girls confidence. All my previous bfs have always been keen so it’s odd to me. Can you imagine the furore if a man posted that or if a woman was saying that about her partner "he says there must be something wrong with me, as all his other gf have always been keen for it"

He litterally told you he's been suffering from depression and anxiety, depression and anxiety would explain why he feels anxious over the fact that he had a friendly conversation with an ex, (as if they both deleted every dirty thing they said to each other just on the off chance that he needed to prove to you that it was a casual conversation), he told you straight away that he deleted the convo as he thought you would cause an argument over it, which you did, proving him correct in his anxiousness.

You said this originally:

I told him to message Barbara for screenshots of their conversation in front of me. She did.

But now this:

No I didn’t make him get her to send screenshots. It was his way of trying to show nothing was going on

Come on now. We don't know you so there's no reason for you to lie about stuff - if you want some help and advice then it doesn't make sense to backtrack on things you said really clearly.

You've now lied about you being the instigator of him getting those screenshots. Is that because you actually know it wasn't a healthy way to behave? Or is it because you still think it was healthy (which is your opinion, your prerogative) but felt everyone was having a go at you?

I get the sense you have so much pent up resentment that you wanted everyone to pile in and say ugh what a dick about your husband and because that hasn't happened you're not feeling a bit unsettled and not sure whether to backtrack on stuff you've said so you don't look like a 'baddie' per se.

Oh my lord give the girl a break! I have went through something almost identical and it turned out for me he was having an affair that spanned 5 years. I never thought he would do it. I didn't think he had it in him... but there you go. Amazing similarities in our stories.
It started with me finding copious amounts of porn on his phone. ( refusing sex on his part blaming depression and anxiety) only to be followed up by discovery of a 5 year affair with a co worker.
My advice trust your gut. I didn't trust mine it was screaming the truth at me and I believed all his lies. But your gut is never wrong!!!!!

Wow, your poor DH. Please read the similar comments, you sound slightly neurotic here..perhaps you need to take a look at the relationship as a whole, I don't think these messages are the issue. No wonder he's on his bike daily!

maybe you need some time to relax and think about our relationships. I'm not sure there is a need in being so neurotic and a paranoid