Is My Colleague a Creep?

[YellowSapphire]

Hi everyone,
Just wanted to get your advice on this situation which has been going on for a year.

I used to know a colleague from around the workplace and although he is very serious and hard working, I always would catch a flirty vibe. It was intriguing to see this stuffy man trying to connect with me and do gallant things, and I found him sweet. Other times he'd be a bit cold.
Then a year ago, he joined my team so I started seeing him far more often. He then flirted with me blatantly at at work event. I started having a crush on him, which at the beginning was pleasant but is now incredibly annoying. Whenever there's an event or work trip, he stares at me constantly and focuses his interest on me. But then, back in the workplace, he is remote, with an almost hostile expression. Many other people say he is autistic and has difficulty connecting with people.

I stopped attending events with him six months ago as I couldn't stand the heartbreak of him seeming very interested in me one day, only to become cold and unreachable the next. There was one time in particular when he seemed totally taken with me, and I with him, but when I saw him again I was too shy to interact much and he in turn became his usual inscrutable self.

Most of the time, I don't think about him any more. But recently my feelings came back, especially with the Covid situation, and I keep wondering if I should have tried harder and got to know him bit by bit during those evenings out - maybe that's the only way he can connect, because of his autism, and during work becomes like a machine...

On the other hand, maybe he does his 'secret flirting' routine with lots of other women. I just don't know. Does anyone have any experience with non-neurotypical men, and is this a usual pattern with them? Or is he just a creep who I should get over? He's definitely the most mysterious man I have ever met - how can someone be warm and interested sometimes and completely expressionless at other times? There's just no connection and no way of getting to know him - he never shows annoyance, never rants or reveal feelings of any kind. And there are no little work conversations so we never find anything out about each other, as happens with other colleagues. But if he really liked me it would surely show, and he would find excuses to see me, whereas now he can let days go by without contact?

Thanks!

Katie

What a bizarre question. If you find him creepy, then he's a creep. If you find him sweet and a bit eccentric, then he's not a creep.

A lot of people, even if they're in a relationship, try not to make a thing of it at work, to be professional.

He sounds hard work though- why bother with someone who hurts you? There are billions of men in this world- find one who's as demonstrative as you need and makes you feel good.

If you're happy talking at events and then switch to too shy to interact much at work, it's totally possible he's thinking the same about you?

You seem to like him, but do you let it show at work? Do you find excuses to see him?

Far too much work. Be glad you didn’t take things further and move on.

Why is he a creep? :/

He is not into you. Get over it.

Thanks. Everything about the workplace itself is weird - it's a different environment to what I'm used to, so it's more difficult to get my bearings. The people are more traditional than in previous workplaces.

Also I let my private life get a bit empty - my own fault, just got lazy - so fewer other men to compare this one with.

Thanks for reminding of of the billions of other men :-).

@Thingsdogetbetter Whenever I've tried to be warm , he would sometimes respond and other times look blank. I've seen him do it to other people. So whether the exchange will be warm or not is always on his terms, and I'm not the type who'll keep on being jolly without a response, so I'm now also cold and professional...

Are you both single?
He sounds like one of those that likes playing cat and mouse.. toying with you, all over you one minute and then witholding and distant the next just to ramp up the reactions he gets from you and it seems to be working. The aim is to bolster his own vanity. Why sacrifice yourself to building up his rotten self esteem.
If one or both of you is not single then he's even more of a creep.
To be blunt. If you like someone and they like you and you both want to spend time together then its really as difficult as he seems to be making it with you left guessing what he thinks and how he feels.
Perhaps you should have a go at asking him outright whether he likes you or not and why he has this on/off hot/cold behaviour.
What concerns me most about your post is the phrase " I keep wondering if I should have tried harder". Why is it your job to run around after this guy, trying to telepathically read his conflicting "signals" and then blame yourself fpr not trying hard enough. Please don't blame yourself anymore. A year is more than enough time to get to know someone. It sounds like you could do so so much better.

It sounds like if you were talking to other men, this one wouldnt even be on your radar.
if you're this confused at this point, imagine what a relationship would be like.

I wouldn't bother with him, he's too much like hard work. If you were suited/happy together you wouldn't be asking about it.

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff and others, you're totally right, I shouldn't be trying to guess his feelings. It's just that so many people have said he is sure to be on the spectrum that I thought it might be difficult for him to show his feelings and that I should help him. I'm almost certain he's never had a girlfriend.

I've Googled autism/aspergers again and it does seem to fit. One website exactly described the 'charming persona' he put on - apparently it's all an act, which some non-neurotypicals manage to keep up during dates. But the real person is not like that at all, so partners are then stuck with someone totally different.

If that's the case, I suppose his behaviour is not malicious. But yes, better move on to someone more available. Oh, I forgot - I'm stuck at home for at least two more months! ;-)

Thanks though, it's really been helpful to get other people's opinions.

Hi OP, I had this with a work colleague in the past and eventually let it slide because, for good or ill, it became evident things were never going anywhere and that's probably what they wanted - I asked for advice on here, actually, and the consensus seemed to be we liked each other "enough" to miss the interest when it was missing but when it became obvious we were interested in each other they obviously didn't feel drawn enough to take it to the finish line.

That said, there might be a couple of other reasons as to why he's behaving in this way so I wondered...

a) Is he definitely single? You don't mention it, so have to ask. If he's attached that would obviously make him back off if things started to heat up.

b) If single, has he come out of a serious relationship recently? After I divorced, my head was all over the place for a good 12 months. Even now, over two years later, I still don't know if I want a relationship. Unfortunately, being human, I do get attracted to people but, right now, there's still too many emotional scars for me to even begin to contemplate another deep commitment. So I do my best not to lead people on.

c) I know it's hard for us to gauge these things personally, but is there a chance he thinks you're "out of his league"? If he's got low self-esteem, he might look at your attention think "does not compute" and be too scared to ask you out as he'll think its a done-deal you'll reject him.

Also, It's not always talked about that much, but men grow up experiencing a lot of "friendly flirting" from women - I'm not talking about thinking a girl's hitting on you when their not, but the kind a couple of my work colleagues admit they do as a way of "brightening up their day" or "showing they've still got it". It's all kept within acceptable levels and no-one ever gets the wrong end of the stick, however if your shy and he's not great at working out emotions it might be he thinks that's all that's happening. Plus, if he's as lovely a guy as you say he is, he's probably terrified of any overture on his part in the workplace being taken as harassment.

I'd say the solution would be to ask him out yourself - or at least give him such an obvious cue that you want to be asked (e.g. suggest a place and say you'd always wanted to be taken there) that there's no way he'll misunderstand. If he still turns you down, well... his loss.

Ah... just read your latest update. In which case, please ignore my previous post!

@TossaCointoYerWitcher Thanks, I see what you mean. I've had that with men before. When I was twenty they wanted me for sure, but now many can 'take or leave me'!
He's officially single but difficult to know more about his private life.

Looks-wise, yes, I could be said to be out of his league (the one colleague I confided in was shocked I would even look at him), but he has a far more prestigious job than mine so he could easily prefer a less attractive woman who has a more interesting job.

I do friendly flirting myself, and probably that's how it started with him. But that's why flirting is so pleasant; there's an element of danger because one time out of 100 you can get caught out and get a crush for the person!

Asking him out would be a good solution. But I would so much rather stop having feelings for him!

I expect he is already married. Or struggling with something and maybe doesn't want a friendship in the workplace. Another thought is that maybe some one has made a comment and embarrassed him and now he is wary of forming a friendship or relationship.

OP you're reading way too much into just a few bits of evidence. Is he autistic? You don't know. Is he flirting with you? You don't know. Is he "creepy"? You don't seem to find him creepy, just confusing.

@Scott72
He's almost certainly aspergers. He did flirt with me but treats me like a stranger during work hours. He's creepy because he stares fixedly at women, in general, at at me in particular, but I had overlooked this as assumed they were aspie symptoms. I know that if we went to a work dinner again, he would do the same love-bombing trick of seeking me out, ignoring other people, asking me loads of personal questions and telling me I'm so funny and interesting and fascinating, but nothing would come of it. There's a natural high when someone expresses such intense interest, so it's manipulative to keep doing it for no reason, then stopping, especially in a work environment. It's difficult to just ignore, so I avoid all work events now.

Yuck. Creepy.

He's creepy because he stares fixedly at women, in general, at at me in particular

Yeah that would be enough to put me off. If you want to be taken seriously and progress in your career forget about this and focus on expanding your social circle.