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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He walks off everytime I'm talking

48 replies

Dondevastu · 13/05/2020 19:36

How would this make you feel?
OH when I'm talking to him, it could be about anything.. he walks off or starts doing other stuff and I have to follow him to finish tm conversation or if I whinge about it he says I can hear you.
But I think its rude and it makes me feel like he doesnt give a shit.

OP posts:

Techway · 13/05/2020 22:11

How is he around the children? Is he similar? It could be passive aggressive behaviour, if he is just directing the behaviour towards you.

topcat2014 · 13/05/2020 22:19

I do get you, op, but can I also check what you are discussing? Dw is a bit like a wall of noise sometimes, about people I don't know etc, and it is hard sometimes to keep concentrating

BackseatCookers · 13/05/2020 22:57

I'm a different person in front of my friends than I am with him, with him I've given up but it still hurts to feel like you dont exist

Oh love this made me feel so sad. If you can't be 100% yourself to be 50% of a couple then it's not a healthy relationship.

There really aren't many things as lonely as an unhealthy relationship. You don't want to do this for another few decades do you?!

Don't wait for him to change - this is who he is. He's had loads of chances to care about your happiness and he hasn't. And don't wait for him to look elsewhere, if he does it will destroy your confidence.

Instead, take control and if this relationship isn't working for you and he doesn't make you genuinely happy then please consider ending things

Festipal · 13/05/2020 23:23

I had this problem. I went on a course about something completely different and learnt the following sentence construction:

When you (do this thing), it makes me feel (ignored, invisible, worthless). I need you to (stay looking at me until the conversation is finished) so that (I can be sure you've heard what I need to tell you). Can you do that for me?

It worked first time. I was amazed. I do still need to remind him but it just starts with 'When you walk away whilst I'm talking to you...' And he'll say 'Ah yeah I've done it again haven't I? Sorry. What did you want to say'.

Stillfunny · 13/05/2020 23:34

Festipal I think that is a great way to deal with it.Must give it a try. My DH is exactly like this , one of the many reasons I would like to get rid of him. I found myself talking to him like a 3 year old " Are you listening ? Now , I mean it , you need to remember this ". And yeah , then I am the bad guy when I get frustrated at never being able to delegate anything to him. So then I am a shouty , nagging bitch. It is a no win situation.

Festipal · 13/05/2020 23:45

Oh I HATED being the nagging bitch! Now it's kind of the start of a nag but he fills in the gaps himself.

KatherineJaneway · 14/05/2020 06:39

Maybe do the same to him? Might give him a taste of his own medicine.

TigerDater · 14/05/2020 08:57

You tell him you want to split, he says he only wants to be with you, so you stay. Why? Why does he get to decide?

PPs have suggested some strategies and they’re worth trying, obviously. Including not being a ‘wall of noise’, and just basically not bothering to talk to him. But in the end, you don’t have to continue in the relationship if it doesn’t meet your needs, whatever his thoughts in the subject.

Good luck.

VerityB1 · 14/05/2020 09:19

If you were able to look inside his brain, you'd probably find it wired up atypically. He is prob missing the bits that make him empathetic or have emotional intelligence. He simply doesnt see the importance of manners and adapting his behaviour as it's of no benefit to him.

You are heading for a lifetime of emotional bruising which will eventually affect your mental health in some way.

Heartbreaker83 · 14/05/2020 09:24

Dh sometimes does this. He used to do it religiously, he would ask me about my day and then go on his phone or walk out the room while I answered. Got me so mad. We had many arguments about it. Sometimes I do it to him (yes I’m petty) to see how he likes it and he gets really pissed off so it has helped. He is much better than he used to be but I still occasionally have to nudge him to listen.

Iloveme30 · 14/05/2020 11:09

My DH does this all the time especially if we are arguing, it used to infuriate me . One day he stopped dead of what he was doing (usually he busies himself with dishwasher or even hoovering 😳 as I had started to cry in frustration as I was literally following him around arguing my point he said he was really sorry but he’s not good with talking was never shown how to as his family do not talk about anything they literally ignore every problem and pretend everything is ok . He didn’t have the tools to really talk it out that was a lightbulb moment for me it was just his way of coping with confrontation he apologized profusely but said it probably wouldn’t change as he’s always been like that anyways maybe your hubby is really listening just not in our (normal) way ?? Dunno if it helps just a different perspective

Stillfunny · 14/05/2020 12:04

Iloveme30 My DH grew up the same. This came out in marriage therapy.Also , in his family, if you vocally disagreed with his parents, they cut you off , silent treatment. I , on the other hand, came from a family of debaters and very shouty ( not aggressive just passionate ).

Original poster

Dondevastu · 14/05/2020 12:08

I will try a few of the suggestions here..he never seeks me out to talk to me though.

I am with him because I always give in because my youngest has issues which have taken 8 years to work through, any tiny change could undo that and shes thriving the last few months.

He did it again just this morning..he was sat at the table and I said to him about how I feel like I'm not doing enough school work with the eldest and I should have been printing out some work and challenging him a bit as he seems to just be coasting, he looked up said 'yeh' and looked down at the floor .
Anything would've helped, reassurance or agreement or a suggestion? I get nothing from him.
I've complained that I feel like a single mother because it's always me doing these things by myself with absolutely no input from him. Dont get me wrong he plays with them and makes them laugh and makes them snacks and food etc..but he puts no thought into anything like school or do they need clothes or even if ones upset he wont think to ask to find out or try to solve problems.

OP posts:

Original poster

Dondevastu · 14/05/2020 12:09

@Stillfunny his family is very similar, you cannot disagree or debate or show a different view point. Maybe it's not his fault he is this way.

OP posts:

QuentinWinters · 14/05/2020 12:13

Ugh. My DP does this. I just stop talking and then tell him I've lost my inclination to talk if he isn't listening. That does seem to work but yes, it does feel very disrespectful (although I'm sure that is not his intent)

user3274826 · 14/05/2020 12:25

Just to be devil's advocate here, my DP has this infuriating habit of starting to tell me really long unimportant things with loads of detail at the wrong moments. When I've just stood up to leave the room, when I'm on my way to the bathroom, when I'm heading out the door for work etc. Then he will get cross with me for not listening or asking of we can talk about it later. After years of this, sometimes I do start to hover and wander off and he hates this but I think it is equally disrespectful that he doesn't pay any attention to when is appropriate to ramble.

Original poster

Dondevastu · 14/05/2020 12:37

User I'm not the moat talkative person as it is and I'm very straight to the point, I dont waffle, I hate when people waffle.
However I will try to see if I'm doing it at times that hes already got up and about to leave the room or something..maybe sometimes I am in which case I could cut him some slack.
I just have always felt invisible to him apart from when we are out and I'm talking to someone else, he will be all over me then.

OP posts:

Butterymuffin · 14/05/2020 13:13

He has defaulted to now making zero effort with you. I would do the same for him. Stop talking, stop asking his opinion or sharing feelings, and put your energy into imagining a life without him when lockdown ends. I don't think him playing with them and giving them snacks is enough. You would find it easier on your own.

ConkerGame · 14/05/2020 14:11

OP I don’t know you or your kids but if I met you all I would play with your kids and offer them snacks. It’s hardly dad of the year material is it?!

The bottom line here is that you’re unhappy in your marriage. You’ve explained this to your husband and he doesn’t care so hasn’t made an effort to change. You will be so much happier without him there making you feel crap, lonely and invisible. And I wouldn’t be so sure about your child - they may well thrive in an environment where their mum is happy and relaxed. I’d be making plans to leave/to ask him to leave.

SomeBunny · 14/05/2020 15:04

I wouldn’t be happy with this either, it’s very rude and dismissive behaviour.

Assuming you want to resolve it, have you tried sitting him down for a conversation about it away from the situation? When you aren’t frustrated because you’ve been trying to talk to him, and he’s not distracted by (rudely) trying to do something else?

If you’ve reached the end of your tether with it though, that’s totally understandable. He shouldn’t need to be sat down for a special chat to take your feelings into consideration. Especially when we’re talking about a matter of basic respect.

Paris14eme · 14/05/2020 15:11

My ex-H used to do this all the time. All. The.Time. I told him repeatedly (we were together for 25 years, married for 21) how distressing it was for me, how it made me feel insignificant etc. But did he change? No. So it’s over and I don’t regret it at all. Sorry OP, unless yours is willing to change his behaviour, perhaps you need to vote with your feet like I did?

Original poster

Dondevastu · 14/05/2020 18:18

@Paris14eme he hasnt changed in all these years so i doubt he will now. I do need to leave,I feel like I deserve someone who I connect with or who is interested in me and what I have to say

OP posts:

ConkerGame · 15/05/2020 14:39

OP of course you deserve those things! It can just be hard to see the wood for the trees when you’re in the thick of it. Some time apart from him will give you far more clarity.

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