Mental abuse?

[mumofone1920]

Hi everyone

I seem to be struggling with my partner at the moment. Each day is getting worse and hard to deal with for example;
He will moan at me when I cook something in the microwave for our 12 month old daughter, please bear in mind it will be something that has already been cooked so just warming it back up.

If I buy a ready meal so let's say a lasagne and cook it in the oven he will say that I'm lazy and everything cooked should be homemade and when I challenge him and say why doesnt he help cook then he says he will and never does.

Whilst being on lockdown we are both at home with our 12 month old daughter who has downs syndrome. I get up every morning, make breakfast etc which SOMETIMES he will do, but rarely.

After dinner he will say things like 'I will do the dishes now' , then hours later they still arent done, so I end up doing them, then he will shout at me because I've done them? It really makes NO sense.

He doesnt really interact with our daughter, I play with her toys and uff with her but he only seems to sing to her or pick her up, and if anyone comes round he soon palms her off but he claims he loves her dearly, dont get me wrong they have a great bond but he only bothers when its convenient for him.

He also says that we both need to lose weight? I say why do I get dragged into this, I'm happy how i am and when i want to lose weight, I will.

If I drop something accidentally he will say I'm erratic and dont take care.... it was an accident so I dont see the problem?

If my car is dirty he will say I dont look after anything

If I leave my dirty pyjamas I wore the night before in our room he will say our room is a mess when I know it's not because it's only them on the floor.

If something needs tidying, for example, the bathroom needs cleaning, he will say, the bathroom needs cleaning but wont make any effort to do it? It's always me, which I dont mind, but I know it needs doing and when I have time I will do it.

He's constantly on his laptop or phone dealing with work, but sometimes I think he is just on it to look busy, this is whilst I look after our daughter cook, clean and do whatever elsd.

I've not been well the past 2 months, i have been suffering with palpitations and a rapid heart beat which I get out of the blue. But my first experience was after we had a blazing row which I ended up hospitalised due to my heart rate. I am currently waiting for a cardiologist but my appointment has been delayed due to COVID. He make a remark a couple weeks ago where he said eventually people will just ignore that I feel ill because no one will believe me, how nasty can this man that apparently loves me be? I would never fake an illness.

Last night he criticised because I put something in the microwave, and I had enough and flipped and threw my fork at a plate on the kitchen top which it chipped, he said look what you've fucking done and picked up the plate that had a smaller chip than my little finger nail and dropped it on the floor saying 'well I may as well fucking finish it off'

This afternoon I said I was going to go and see my mum with our daughter as he said this morning he was 'working' and that he was going to pop out and get a few things to fix the kitchen tap.. as soon I said I'm going to my mums all of a sudden this changed and he was no longer busy and also wanted to take our daughter for a walk? I sense there is some jealousy here too as I'm close to my mum but without her I would be alone and lonely. We are now on our way for a walk with our daughter, we arent speaking an awful lot.

I'm just really down and stuck in a rut at the moment, I think to myself is all this mental abuse? Do I stay, or do I leave?

I'm sorry for the lengthy post, I just really needed to Express my current situation 😥

I dont know if its mental abuse but he certainly sounds grating as fuck.

Also, there doesnt need to be abuse for you to not want to be together anymore.

He sounds like a knob. It also sounds like he doesnt like you very much.

I say life is too short for that shit.

This will only get worse. I live with a prick like him and I can honestly say that it's a very controlling and calculated way to carry on. It's a way of undermining you and your ability to make decisions until you get to the point where you second guess everything and walk around on egg shells.

I also forgot to say, I sat him down 2 weeks ago and said if it's right that we are together because we argue or dont speak most the time. I said be honest with me, do you want to be with me because it seems like you dont, he said he loves me and wants us to work? I'm baffled by it all.

He doesn't sound very nice.

The deliberately dropping a plate I'd say is abuse, because it's a destructive act done when he's not happy with you, designed to make you frightened of his anger, anxious (your anxiety from living with him is probably adding to your raised heart rate/palpitations) and make you tiptoe around him and do what he wants because you don't know what he's going to do next. xxxxx

His actions are what matter. Does he act like he loves you and wants things to work? It doesn't seem so.

I certainly wouldn't be 'baffled' unless it was like 'well why doesnt he act like be cares for me then?'. Listen to your own emotions and reactions - they are trying to tell you something.

I mean its baffling because how can someone 'love' me but be a complete prick at the same time. It is baffling 😂

It's a horrible situation, I love him, we have our gorgeous daughter together but I cant keep living like this. It's really hard because we work for the same company, and hes always nagging at Mr about work too that's another thing that gets me down. I really dont know I just needed to vent. Thank you xxx

Maybe because he actually only loves having you around to pick on.

I think if someone does nothing but make you feel sad an exhausted then love is irrelevant tbh. You gotta love yourself first. And your daughter too.

Relationships should make us happy. Partners should be supportive and kind. And kids should grow up in environments where this is the case. Or, parents should separate. So that children can see that when relationships are unhealthy, the most important thing we can do is to walk away and practice self love.

My XH used to do exactly the same thing re the washing up. Say he'd do it and then leave it for so long that I had to do it or we'd run out of plates, and then get angry and say 'I was just about to do that!' (he wasn't at all). He also used to call me lazy etc etc, when he only went out to work and I was at home with five small children, if he came home and the house wasn't clean, tidy, kids weren't scrubbed and fed.

He gave me no emotional support, no practical help, nothing else. He's an ex.

I think, maybe, you should face the fact that he's not the man you thought he was. You've tried, he's stonewalled you. So he doesn't really want to try.

Thank you for your comment.

Even when I've sat down with him and tell him how I feel, he plays the victim and says that hes the bad man again blah blah blah.

I even said to him I'm willing to try to make this work, sometimes we get on like a house on fire but then he will say something to make me sad again or make a sly remark. I asked him to change even a little and He said he wouldn't change for anyone, so that should tell me everything really 🤷‍♀️

He sounds extremely intense!

He is way too demanding of you, i am in a simular situation to you with the victim 'im the bad one' and sly comments that rile me.
Mine doesnt comment on being lazy with food or telling me what needs cleaning - i really feel for you because if he did i would loose the plot. He needs to know this is not nice behaviour and will affect your mental health!

Its too much and he shouldnt be treating you like that you are not his property.

He knows it's not nice behaviour. He already knows what he's doing. You've told him how it makes you feel and he wont change. Not even to please you or make you happy or make your life better. He likes the way he is. You don't.

Which should tell you everything you need to know.

Yeah so he says he won't change?,Fuck that he'd go from married to divorced in a heartbeat if it was me!

He's a fucking bully!!! He's taking out his frustration and mood on you!

You are not a robot, and this treatment is horrible

@mumofone1920 I'm so sorry. I have recently left a man who treated me just the way you describe. Like @Zaphodsotherhead says, he won;'t change for you because he simply doesn't give a shit. The way he is acting works for him and that is all that matters. It took me 20 years and 3 children to understand that, but it was a game changer for me. My stbxh used to say he loved me all the time, and I was always trying to figure out why he was so mean to me if he loved me. it all Eventually I decided to ignore his words and focus on his actions to tell me how he really felt.The playing the victim when you talk to him about the way you feel is to distract from being called on his behaviour and firmly focused on you feeling guilty for 'criticising' him.

Honestly, he is a dick, but is he suffering from post partum depression over your daughter?
www.nct.org.uk/life-parent/emotions/postnatal-depression-dads-10-things-you-should-know#tag-target-1

It sure as hell isn't an excuse, but he has to talk outside the marriage to someone about his behaviour. It's clearly not healthy.