How do I get to the point where my exh does not instill fear in me

[RoseMartha]

Every time his wishes are not granted or he does not get his own way. Or someone else said something to set him off or the kids accidentally set him off.

He is still very bitter about the fact I had had enough and divorced him. Which was a painful and messy divorce as he promised and threatened me it would be.

Even now and even when I know he is being abusive and controlling I feel myself doing as he wants in fear of his temper.

I am better with it than I was and I can recognise it when it comes usually but he is so unpredictable and flies off the handle for things which other people are normal with. Or one day he will be normal with a normal comment but then next time the same thing sets his temper off.

I am doing my best to get on with him for the kids and working with him with regard to them.

But I often feel on edge when I know he is going to text/call or contact exchange and every-time he is abusive, sometimes still in front of the kids. I feel unsettled for days.

Is this normal?
How can I fix myself?

"I am doing my best to get on with him for the kids and working with him with regard to them".

You need to stop doing that because there is really no working with an abuser though. He will never be reasonable or amenable as long as he is alive and he remains the same as when you were actually together. He will merely continue to "punish" you via the kids for having the gall in his eyes of actually leaving him, this most perfect of specimens.

Please contact Womens Aid (their Freedom Programme is something I would urge you to look at) and the Rights of Women here (this group can give legal advice.

Do your children want to see him, what sort of contact arrangements were put in place originally?. Informal arrangements rarely work out well with abusive men. Your children need emotionally healthy role models in their lives, not abusive men who continue to abuse you as their mother. In turn they are being abused here too.

I have to confess it took me far too long to get over feeling the way you are about my ex. I think it's long long instilled habit - in my case from childhood right up till we split when I was just shy of 50. So I think it's very normal.

What I should have done was ask myself 'actually, what am I afraid of? his shouting and verbal abuse? does that actually harm me?'. Because the answer was that really he couldn't hurt me at all, it was all just bluster.

I did make a big mistake in letting him into my new home when collecting the kids, it would have been easier if I'd womaned up and made him wait outside. (But that would have provoked him etc etc...)

No speaking in person or on the phone. Communication via email/text only.
Don't engage or respond to crap. Ignore.
Don't let him in the house when picking up children.
If he kicks off report to the police.
How often does he see them? Also depending on age, do they want to see him?
Agree with contacting Womens Aid, get as much support as you can. You do not have to put up with this.

Thank you @AttilaTheMeerkat

They are young teens. They are not keen on seeing him but are moderately happy to during the day. Refuse to stay the night. One has additional needs.

No official contact in place. During the divorce I did a detailed contact proposal and then revised it after an initial response, where he threatened to take me to court if I did not supply his solicitor with a contact proposal. After this I had no reply. Nothing. Until eight months later he finally said he wanted to work it out between us.

Things didnt go the way he wanted. I encouraged the kids to see him as they were reluctant but agreed to days. He blamed me for them not staying the night and said I was turning them against him. Once he lost it with me regarding this in front of someone we knew.

I submitted another contact plan in writing to him of how we could potentially move forward with extra contact. And I made sure my solicitor was aware. He did not understand why I did this.

Contact remains the same at present.

I will check out Womens Aid. Thank you.

Thank you @Purplewithred Your middle paragraph was very helpful in particular.

@crystalize Thank you.

I do drop off and pick up as he has no transport.

Although he pays child maintenance, he does so begrudgingly and regularly lets me know he can not wait until he stops paying it. Almost like a threat.

@RoseMartha as your DC are young teenagers the choice to see him or not is theirs. There really is no need to be encouraging them to go. There is no need for you interact with him at all. Also it is his problem he has no transport. You really must put a stop to dropping off and picking up.

Let him continue with his threats of court - he probably won't. As purple withred said, what are you afraid of? What can he actually do if you just block and ignore? You've given this abuser enough of your precious time and energy. Time to draw a line.

Thank you for your advice. I must start to do that.

I find that I have reacted in the I must obey immediately for so long, it is hard to step away from.

I thought I would post here to save a new topic.

Another run in this week. DC were happy to go and have contact with their dad. I dropped them off. Few hours later I get frantic text messages and videos from them begging me to collect them. He lost his temper after an innocent passing comment from one of them. Ranting and raving and swearing at them about their behaviour towards him, his current situation and saying bad things about me. He hit the roof when one dc called me as he does not like them to contact me during their time with him. I heard him ranting at them during the call.

I knew it was in the kids best interests to collect them, so I did. He hurled more verbal abuse as we left.

Then later on I got the backlash of his temper. And how he doesnt understand why I ended the marriage etc. That he feels the innocent party because I was the one who ended it. Then he was on about how the situation on contact day looks bad on him and and under no circumstances should it.

I am still feeling churned up about the whole thing, more for kids sake than anything else. He wants them to trust him and not talk about things they did with me when they are with him and yet his behaviour is turning them away.