Rebuilding damaged work relationships

[EoinMcLovesCakeJumper]

I think I might have seriously damaged some of my working relationships over the past few weeks, and I'm not sure how to put things right, or if it's even possible.

I suffer from anxiety and depression, which has been amplified by the lockdown situation. Over the last couple of weeks, it has escalated to the point where I've struggled to keep it away from my working life. As a result, I know I've been very detached, unengaged with meetings etc, silent unless compelled to speak and then monosyllabic when I do. I've also avoided getting involved in the social side of things, which has ramped up recently because my manager is keen for everyone to stay in touch now that we're all home working.

I know I've probably been difficult to work with. Everything I've described has been during phone calls and Teams meetings, so I guess I've been able to get away with being less involved than if we were still in the office. But I'm really worried now that people will think I'm just a moody, unfriendly bitch and that they'll stop including me in anything in the future.

I sought some additional help from my GP this week so hopefully I'll be getting some CBT soon. My mood is still pretty low but I do have a glimmer of hope that things will pick up in the future. My problem now is trying to get things back on track with my colleagues.

My manager knows that I have some mental health issues, but not the full extent of them. I don't think anyone else in the team knows. Would it be in order for me to call or email him and explain that I've been struggling recently, and I'm aware that I have been rather distant, but I am working on it? Or would that be unprofessional and more likely to make him think I'm not really up to the job? I overthink everything like crazy so I genuinely don't know how to gauge how I come across.

The problem with telling your manager is that he’s not allowed to tell anyone else. And that even if he was, there’s also the danger that instead of seeing you as a moody unfriendly bitch they will see you as a crazy moody unfriendly bitch.

Or an unfriendly bitch who is creating drama because we are all stressed on lockdown. Remember that some of them ( or their loved one ) will also suffer from anxiety and depression , they are very common conditions.

Sorry I’m not saying any of this is true, but you can’t control what people think.

Why don’t you try and join in some of the social side ? Tell your colleagues that you are just getting used to zoom etc , it freaks you out a bit seeing yourself on screen / Make a joke of it, say you feel like a zombie / whatever.

I’m sure your contribution to social event doenst need to be profound and deeply meaningful. Ask people how they are , how they are coping with home schooling / supporting elderly relatives / caring for their pets.

Ask for good things to watch on tv / Netflix.

And well done on seeking help for your anxiety.

I’m sorry you’ve been feeling so low. Don’t forget that anxiety might mean you’re imagining you’ve been worse than you actually have. Sorry hard to phrase - I mean it’s possible that colleagues might not have noticed that much.

If your manager is supportive I think not a bad idea to drop them an email or quick call just saying you’ve been feeling a bit low, it’s good for people to know these things. And if there are particular colleagues you might have narked, maybe just a friendly email now or make extra effort with them now you’re feeling better. Everyone appreciates a how are you friendly email or text at the moment.

0DETTE that's my worry. I don't want it to look like attention-seeking or that I'm trying to be "special" in some way. I know my issues aren't particularly unusual.

WitchWife perhaps I'm giving myself too much importance in other people's minds. Maybe nobody has noticed, or if they have they might not actually be bothered.

Yeah or they might be feeling shit too and worrying they've been offhand? I don't even suffer from anxiety but working at distance with everyone makes me worry that I've upset people or had poor communication too. And people have a lot on their minds.

I really would try to assume you HAVEN'T upset people, if you can. I really doubt you've damaged your standing at work, nothing is normal at the moment and any shortness will be written off.

Honestly just try one of the social calls. Let your colleagues see you making a bit of an effort. Most people probably think you are a bit shy or not tech savvy.

Not everyone enjoys ZooM calls, compulsory fun etc. Cut yourself some slack.

You don't have to tell your manager or anyone else about the A&D. However I would recommend a quiet word or an email to your boss just to let them know you're finding remote working really hard. It won't come as a surprise - most of us are! As a manager I often find myself asking myself "so what does this person want from me?", and for a manager who's not MH literate it could be a bit daunting. I would suggest some 2-way reassurance here - reassure your manager that you're not seeking any special treatment or making a drama, and seek their reassurance that they understand your difficulties and that you don't need to worry about being offhand in meetings etc.

As others said you have probably imagined you are coming across worse than you are cos of the anxiety.

Try to join the social stuff - or font if it's not for you. If you are delivering in your role I eluldnt get hung up on being 'friends' with your colleagues right now if you dont have the head space for it.

And honestly, I definitely would NOT email my wider colleagues and apologise/explain your behaviour. That's your anxiety talking, I think you would come to regret it when we are out the other side and thinking clearer.

I try to live by 'if you're explaining, you're losing' . You dont need to explain anything about yourself to your wider colleagues.

So many people are like this at the moment due to being mentally unwell from lockdown (including those not normally mentally unwell) that I would actually be surprised if anyone had given it much thought. Most people will

1. Know others are struggling and
2. Be so wrapped up in their own struggle that they won't notice (in a good way). 💐

FooFoo do you mind if I ask what your negative experiences were? Only if you feel ok to talk about it, I just want to weigh up all the possibilities of what might happen before I do anything.

I certainly wouldn't be thinking of emailing the whole team, just my boss. He is a genuinely kind person and I don't think he would be a dick about it, but I do worry that he'd start treating me more cautiously, and I really don't want that.

I had a work call yesterday with 3 Male colleagues I don’t know very well. I find two of them quite aloof and stuck up TBH but they are senior to me so I mostly said little and just contributed when I was asked directly.

After the work part ended we were chatting Generally, asking about family etc ( one has teenaged kids at home, another has elderly relatives they are taking food too) .

One of them started to tell a funny story about his wife cutting his hair and showing us the back of his hair which was far too short and really squint . Next thing another two of the men are talking about how they actually are really shy and struggle with social interaction at work and how they hate seeing themselves on the screen.

One said he avoids one small part of his job and focussed on another because he find it hard interacting with strangers.

It was very revealing as they are the last people I would have thought were shy - I just thought they were a bit stuck up, they are very clever and academic types. The kind who read work technical documents for fun at home and then spend their lunch break talking about it.

It was very strange for a work call, especially as they are older than me and Male , I guess I would expect that type of conversion with female colleagues closer to my own age and grade.

It was very interesting and made me see them in a slightly different light.

You’re overthinking it, which is totally normal with anxiety. Most people are more quiet than usual in online meetings because of two people talk at once no one can hear either of them. And monosyllabic answers aren’t necessarily a bad thing as long as they answer the question. I also think most people are basically kind and understanding, and they know that it’s hard for everyone at the moment - including you of course. No need to do anything to repair relationships unless you’ve been telling your colleagues to fuck off and leave you alone!

OK so mostly no one notices because they have their own crap.

But I had a colleague who told me, on a drunk night out, that she has crippling social anxiety. Changed everything. Because sometimes people assume you hate them. I assumed she hated me Knowing she was struggling meant it wasn't me! You can tell people who are nice.

Im sorry u feel that way. I work for an IT security firm, and GDPR is a very big deal... As soon as someone shares any health issues, the world suddenly knows. I'm disgusted and disgraced at that behaviour coming from ppl who know the law and enforce it.

I think for you, do your best, try to tackle things that you can resolve, dont allow things to drift or give up... Keep trying, i know it is difficult, but trust urself.

Honestly just “pep” yourself up slightly going forward and if anyone notices, just blame your previous frosty demeanour on laggy WiFi. If you’re still on camera and not particularly interacting with the call, it can be indistinguishable from your screen being frozen or lagging. Also during a call no one will notice you that much, they will mainly pay attention to themselves or whoever is speaking - then occasionally glance at others. They weren’t paying attention to you the entire call and I doubt they think differently of you - bare in mind they’re all wrapped up in their own lockdown stresses/ lifestyle changes to notice you being a bit distance

Distant*

I don't think that being quiet or moody on a zoom call would damage a working relationship. For me a working relationship gets damaged if that person lets me down by missing a critical deadline or something like that which means I no longer trust them to play their part in the team. Or if there is something out of order like shouting, abuse. If you haven't done either of these, and it doesn't sound like it, I would proceed on the assumption that you haven't damaged anything, and that colleagues will interact with you as normal

Thank you for all comments, and to FooFoo I'm really sorry that you've had such shit experiences. I work in quite a corporate environment where the management make a lot of noise about mental health awareness. But on the other hand, it's a relatively small organisation and it can be very gossipy. I don't think my boss would be unkind, but it's possible he might be loose-tongued in a well-meaning sort of way, like "oh, we all have to be nice to Eoin because she's having a bit of a hard time at the moment". I think I'll keep quiet and just send some funny memes on the group WhatsApp chat instead...

Eoin if you think your boss might be a bit gossipy, I would advise not to say anything. If you have anxiety because you think you have damaged work relationships, it will only be intensified if you think there is a chance that your boss has talked about your personal problems to all and sundry.

The other thing I would say, and it might just be in my organisation, is there seems to still be some sexism associated with mental health issues. Women suffering from work related stress or MH issues are viewed as emotional and unable to cope, where as men in exactly the same situation are given sympathy and it is accepted that there is a MH problem which they need support to overcome. This may not be the same in all workplaces but it is something which would prevent me, as a woman, from talking to my line manager.

Yes - I think there is a certain kudos granted to men who open up about their mental health issues. Because it's a departure from the traditional male tactic of bottling their feelings up, it's seen as being courageous. But women are kind of expected to be "emotional" and liable to go off at any moment. There's more of a sense that, if you can't cope, you're demonstrating the unsuitability of women to be in that kind of environment.

YY, like the “ amazing fathers “ who leave work early once a year to pick up their kids.

And the unambitious, uncommitted and lazy women who pick their kids every day.