What is this emotion?

[InkieNecro]

I left my husband in January after his latest aggressive act in December turned physical and terrified me. Since then I have gained a lot of understanding about our relationship and realised it was abusive in almost every single way.

We are as amicable as possible, possibly due to him wanting to get back together which is not going to happen. We have two very small children and he sees them here daily.

However despite the abuse and the fact that I do not love him or want to be with him, I can't stand people saying horrible things about him. I don't tell them that, but I feel so awful and want to defend him.

What is this? Is it normal, will it go away and what do I do with it?

Guilt I’d guess. Misplaced guilt that you picked a wrong un.

Will it go away?

Yes when you realise none of it was your fault.

Embarrassment and humiliation, although misplaced. Time to stop visitation at your place too, as it'll be too easy for him to reel you back in. Stay strong. The freedom programme may be worth looking at.

Fear of judgment

The DA service have already sent me details of the freedom program thanks, I just need the time to do it as I'm still working while watching the children.

When might the feeling go away? I know you don't know me, but a rough guess if we were together almost 18 years?

Perhaps counselling might be in order when I've got the time as well.

Is it some shame about the fact that you stayed with him so long, so you feel it's a bad reflection on you?

Stockholm syndrome I think OP.

Misplaced loyalty?

You are not detaching. He was abusive in every way yet you let him come into your house daily.

I would say you still feel defensive because you haven't split up really, he just sleeps somewhere else.

No more coming into your house.

....

Is it to protect yourself from the fear of letting someone potentially dangerous spend time with your children? I think that's probably how I would behave in that situation, wouldn't be able to cope with the thought of my kids spending time with a horrible, violent person so would likely just reject other people's comments to protect my mind.

Misplaced loyalty which isn’t a bad thing, particularly as you recognise it and it’s not sitting comfortably with you. Are you generally a positive person? Again a good thing!
Can’t see how it’s anything to do with guilt.

It hasn't been that long since you split up. They say something like a month for every year - I'm not sure that's true, but let's call it true, because at any rate it's unrealistic to expect to be over it in 4 months.

And people are nuanced and there will have been good things about him. That doesn't mean he wasn't also very bad for you, nor does it mean it wasn't the right thing to do to break up. Leaving was the right thing to do, and you should never go back, but it's ok to have conflicting feelings about it all.

You really should distance yourself from him and reduce contact, as you're opening yourself up to that peculiar forgetfulness where the abuse doesn't seem so bad and maybe he's changed and you start making excuses and next thing you know you're back as the punching bag.

We are as amicable as possible, possibly due to him wanting to get back together which is not going to happen. We have two very small children and he sees them here daily.

When you properly emotionally and physically detach.

You are still in his abusive aura even though you have intellectualised your way out of it significantly.

The trauma bond is still there - the extreme emotional vacillating - because you are subconsciously triggering and feeding it daily.

Why do you have this arrangement - as he is continuing to abuse you covertly by manipulating and being charming to get back with you.

Time to make proper arrangements that support proper sustainable co-parenting.

What plans do you have? What support do you need to make them happen?

How are you filling the vacuum of his departure with new life experiences?

He's here because it disrupts the children's routine the least that they get to see him just before bed as they always have done. I am planning on changing this once lockdown has ended.

I did laugh at the Stockholm syndrome suggestion, but actually that may play a part in it.

We have definitely split up, I'm seeing other people and I don't even think about him. I thought I'd be wondering what he was doing, who he was talking to, etc but it doesn't even enter my head.

I don't think he would ever hurt the children, nothing in his behaviour makes me think that so I'm not concerned. Plus he lives with his parents and just takes them back there.

Misplaced loyalty may also have something to do with it. I'm unsure why, he slept with a lot of women in a very short period of time so clearly had no loyalty to me.

I am a generally positive person yes. People who know what has happened are surprised I'm not a seething ball of bitterness. I just don't find those emotions helpful.

Before lockdown I was basically spending my spare time dating. Now I'm back to gaming and video call dates. Kind of sucks as I hadn't been so happy in my life before lockdown hit.

Yes, I would say it's misplaced loyalty- you maybe still haven't 100% realized that he doesn't deserve it. Also maybe it feels uncomfortable to hear bad things about someone you had a child with? But it's not your fault he was a lying cunt. xxxxx