Am I second choice?

[stressedmum5]

I've been with my partner for 3 years now, when we met he was still married but said it was over, they hadn't slept in the same bed for years etc which has been confirmed to me by his kids, he moved out a few weeks after we started seeing each other. Everything was great, plans for the future etc n then he totally ignored me for 2 weeks, when he contacted me he said he was messed up in the head and needed space, then he told me he loved his wife and wanted her back. This carried on for a couple of months n then he said he wanted me, was totally done with her and I got pregnant, we moved on together. He left his phone when he went to work one day so I couldn't help it I had a look and there was messages to her from back then saying how much he loved her, messages to pretty much everyone he knew saying how much he loves her and wants her back, turns out she was seeing someone else and thats coincidently when he told me he wanted me. He says he was just trying to get to see his kids and now I'm just constantly thinking he's only with me because she didn't want him.

Is he your first choice, and if so, why?

I'm just constantly thinking he's only with me because she didn't want him.

That's the risk you run when you take up with a married man.

I'm afraid if you hook up with a married man you will always be second choice. That's not me being mean but from experience. Especially when they have children.

Well he could have felt like that then because he was running the risk of losing her but feel completely different now. He needs to be honest with you though. I would be very upset.

Can you clarify that you were together and he was sending these messages to his ex?

If so, I'd kick him out.

If he was sending these messages only to his friends then I'd be very very hurt but I'd try counselling together to work through it before ending it.

Or i would cut my losses and leave. You don't have to stay in a relationship that makes you feel unhappy.

He told you clearly at the beginning you were second choice. He told his wife clearly you were second choice. But you hung on in there despite that. Why?

Do you think you'd still be together if you hadn't gotten pregnant?

However, that does not mean you are not first choice now. Rebounds can sometimes develop into love. But it's odd that he kept such messages for 3 years ago.

I think you were his second choice. His messages and actions show that. He flipped and flopped, but you accepted it, why?

Getting pregnant so quickly was not very wise.

Yes you are clearly second choice- you’ve seen it for yourself him texting her saying how much he loves her and wants her back. If he just wanted to see the kids he would be taking her to court. You’re being a mug and he’ll cheat on you too. Sorry to be harsh but you need to wake up.

then he told me he loved his wife and wanted her back

This should have been the end of your involvement with him.

Him saying he wanted her back sounds like it was her decision to end it.

Definite rebound.

Why did you go back?

It’s obvious he wanted to stay with his wife but she didn’t and she was the one that moved on and you were just there to fill the gap ... and then you got pregnant...

Why did you do that to yourself ?

He literally told you that you were second choice.

And you took him back anyway.

So yes, you are second choice.

Does that mean you want to end it? If it was a dealbreaker to be someone's back up plan, I don't get why you took him back.

You never know things could work out between you if you are prepared to obliterate this episode from your memory.
Your feelings I assume are jaded of him now, its difficult.

Depends how strong you are.
Whoever that mans with, problems will follow.

Why on earth did you get pregnant so quickly?

You know you're second best. He wants to be with his wife. You have some decisions to make now - if you keep the baby then you'll bring it up without him, I'm afraid.

I don’t think hooking up with a married man makes you second choice. I’m not saying it’s right to hook up with a married man but I know of men that have gone back to their wives purely because the ow doesn’t want them. That makes their wives second choice.

But from what you’ve said here I’m sorry I think you are.

Sorry to say this but he might have felt railroaded by the pregnancy. It sounds messy if they were still living together when you started seeing him. How is your relationship now? Have you had your baby?

I'm afraid I think you we're seen as his only option when his wife said she was in another relationship. He clearly wanted to be with her, but she wasn't available. You were second best, and if it hadn't been for the pregnancy, he may have decided to walk away.

However you have both opted for a life together so maybe try to make a go of it and see if works?

I think both women were second best, his wish was to triangulate both of them.
I wouldn't be suprised if another woman entered the mix.

I think both women deserve better than him

I think both women were second best, his wish was to triangulate both of them.

His messages to his friends prove otherwise.

messages to pretty much everyone he knew saying how much he loves her and wants her back, turns out she was seeing someone else and thats coincidently when he told me he wanted me.

If the messages were just to his wife, I might agree he was playing both women..but he was telling everyone else.

Yes, he told you he wanted his wife, sorry.