I am really struggling with this. Background to this is that I recently left an extremely abusive relationship. Mainly emotionally abusive relationship (including coercive control but also occasional physical abuse - though he was always in control enough to avoid inflicting bruises etc.). The abuse often took place in front of our children. I had no support from family (who live abroad and still think he is amazing & no financial independence). When dd2 was born, I forged supportive friendships - they knew I was desperately and actively trying to find a path to leave. After two years of trying to even get a call back, I was at the depths of despair. But thank goodness somebody finally looked beyond my career gap, read my CV, invited me to an interview and I was offered the job of my dreams.
DP has never been present or involved in any way in the dds' day to day life. More like indifferent to their existence - he spent most of the past few years out drinking and hardly returning home, secretive about phone, generally very nasty person. Most certainly an alcoholic. On the rare times he was at home for more than a couple of days, he would stalk my phone and internet activity & accuse me of affairs. I hardly ever went out in the evening and when I did, he would wait up and interrogate me.
Whenever he was vaguely 'present', he had a huge preference towards dd1 - would take her out for a lavish day out (extravagant toys / dresses / experiences etc.) but refuse to take her little sister who he barely acknowledged until she was around 4 yrs old (last year). He can occasionally be very caring towards her but now that I think of it, it's actually almost always based on 'stuff' he has bought. He would come home after days and days away and start telling dd1 how much he loves her, how she means everything to him - and all this after sleepless nights spent by dd1 who was worried about him not coming home and wondering if he was ok.
I always told her that he just working late and was ok, nothing to worry about but she would take hours to settle - she already has huge sleep issues due to anxiety (common with Aspergers).
The reality was of course that he would never answer his phone or any messages (on one occasion I had to take dd2 (and by default dd1) to A&E in the middle of the night but no response from him).
He would also come home with 'pity me' stories to her, telling her it was my fault that he never came home, poor him working so hard, etc. He lived his life as if the girls did not exist, showing up drunk or sometimes sober a few days later expecting us all to be ready to stand to his attention and telling the girls what a 'b*tch' I was (and far far worse).
Not being able to shield them from this at the time was a living hell. The empty promises to DD and the unbearable homecomings when it suited him.
Dd1 has high functioning Aspergers and really struggles with social interactions. She interprets things at face value and so years of him manipulating her has taken it's toll. She absolutely adores him and craves his attention and affections. She is smart enough to know he is anything but a good father but just repeatedly worries about him and asks for him all the time. It is utterly heartbreaking.
Fwiw, I am wfh since lockdown with no help from him. I've been beside myself with anxiety trying to juggle it all. He refused as his own role is 'far more important than mine'. And in any case, the reality is he doesn't want to put himself out and is happy to plod along seeing them for 2 hours a week.
Since we moved to our new home just before lockdown, he has been visiting for a couple of hours every weekend. This is because he is waiting for his new home purchase to finalise (fwiw left us without any financial settlement in spite of my parents & I contributing over £60K to his previous home) .There is a hold up on the valuation due to the lockdown - otherwise DD1 would be begging to stay at his. In the interim, he has been staying at a female "colleague's" flat (I know this is all BS). DD1 is always keen to see him so this visiting arrangement was for her to have some time with him.
Things have been quite civil (by shabby standards) since the move so I was happy to let DD1 have her dad over since it really makes her so happy. Roll on the bank holiday weekend and he came over at 4pm on Saturday (2 hours later than agreed) and brought along supplies for a bbq. It was by all accounts a pleasant afternoon. For the first time probably ever, we were all having fun with a water fight and a made-up game called 'burrito' where one of us gets wrapped up in the picnic blanket and has to roll out.
After a while, I went inside to load the dishwasher and suddenly heard DD1 shouting at him to stop wrapping her up so tightly. She was clearly in distress. I ran out and shouted at him to stop. He did then but at that point DD was sobbing. While I was comforting her, he came in and told her she was making a huge fuss about nothing and menacingly telling me that I was mollycoddling her and 'enabling' this drama.
While both dds were in the bath, I went into the other room & told him that it was so horrible to minimise, not display empathy at her distress and how he was modelling the antithesis to everything society teaches our daughters about consent .
After settling both dds in bed (he made lots of excuses not to get involved in the bedtime routine), I went into the living room to ensure he was getting ready to leave.
Right on cue, he came into dd1's room and started telling her how she had overreacted etc etc. but that he loves her etc. etc.
Once he left the room, I noticed a familiar change in his demeanour and felt on edge. He started making nasty comments about what a sh*t mother I am, how fat I am and the rant began to grow momentum. I live in a flat and was growing very anxious about the girls having to listen to his increasingly raised voice. I told him to leave. He continued his rant but dramatically slowed down the pace of getting ready to leave. I knew the girls would now be disturbed. DD1 started calling for me. As I went to check on her, he had descended into shouting. By then DD2 was also on the scene. At this point, I was begging him to leave. I got his bag and cycling shoes and left them outside to hurry things along. I was extremely anxious by now and knew the girls would disregard my requests that they return to bed. He started refusing to leave so I went up to him, put my hand on his chest and told him that the girls were getting very upset. My heart was in my mouth. But then it came. He pushed me hard in the chest, so hard I fell back onto the floor. I looked up behind me to protect the girls but by now they were screaming 'mummy'. I quickly got up, desperate to get him out, but this time he told the girls he was calling the police (another ploy he had used in the past) by which point the girls were screaming. My phone was nowhere nearby and I was in a panic. I shouted at him to stop and he once again pushed me, this time even harder and I fell back very close to the girls. In shock, I ran to the door and locked it, then ushered the girls into my bedroom, switching off all the lights on the way. He stood outside for a half an hour banging on the door while the girls & I huddled in dd2's bedroom. He eventually went away. I stayed until they slept and eventually fell asleep on the floor.
He showed up the next day and luckily our (very rubbish guard-) dog alerted me so I was able to rush the girls into dd2's room again. DD1 was pleading with me to let him in. Telling me how sorry she feels for him. How she would love to see him.
Yesterday and today, she was constantly saying how much she missed him and asking about when she could see him again. And separately I can see he is already damaging dd2 and that she too is slowly starting to fall into his manipulative arms.
Please don't be harsh on me - I have already reported this to the police, I am having a smart security system installed tomorrow and I will not hesitate to seek a restraining order. Today, of course, he is finally 'truly sorry' but that it was 'both our fault'. I have made it very clear that if he comes over I will call the police and for the moment I do not think he will.
I am still scared of him. But I am also scared that the police will be won over by his charm. He is extremely manipulative and charismatic (on demand). As you can see from this post, I am not very articulate. I clam up when I'm highly anxious. After all, he managed to convince my own family that I am hugely mentally unstable and that he has been my knight in shining armour.
Yes, early last year I sought help for depression when anti-depressants were not helping and I was then diagnosed with mild bipolar disorder. My psychiatrist strongly believes this was exacerbated and ultimately brought to light by the extremely stressful events on the past years with ex-DP. For instance, there was a forced abortion, the discovery of an affair (and DP fathering a baby) and other incidents. In any case, this is all managed very successfully managed via medication and a healthy lifestyle. But he will always throw out the 'mentally unfit mother' card and has often shouted to the girls that 'your mother is bipolar'.
Please don't be harsh. I know what practical steps I need to take. But can somebody please advise on how I can best support dd1 who absolutely adores her dad in these circumstances in the interim? I don't want her to not have a relationship with her dad per se, but I feel that keeping her away from him is in her best interests. Also, if I continue to withhold contact, especially against her wishes, he will raise the bar and terrorise even more and try to poison her against me. What on earth do I say and how do I explain all this to her?
Thank you for reading this far.