Ex is pregnant

[Sunshinedu]

Hi,

I know it unusual for a man to post here,just looking for a bit of advice from anyone who may have gone through this.

So I’m 40yr old guy,fairly successful and was seeing an amazing woman up until last year.I met her a year after my divorce which was hard and it was the first time I felt absolute love and it was reciprocated.

We knew eachother years and got on great,spoke about the future.8mths into the relationship I developed an autoimmune disease that really hit my energy.
My Ex was great,I rarely complained as I didn’t want to drag her into the chaos but it meant I just could see her too much as before,we met almost every day but it was hard on us as I was really down and felt guilty she had to see this as I couldn’t give 100%.

We split but remained really close friends and have been ever since,meeting up regular.I got a handle on my sickness and have bounced back.

I thought she was single as she never mentioned,she recently started seeing a guy a few months ago and fell immediately pregnant.

She told me after her scan and my heart has been really lost since that day.I still love her and felt such a connection.Im so hard on myself fir getting sick and not been able to show my true potential.

We live close in a small town and the thought of seeing her with this guy and the new child is going to be hard to take as this is what I had hoped for us.

Right now I’m not ready to date as I feel so broken inside over this,I present to the world as a strong apha,I adored this lady,helped her as she helped me and only imagined a future with her.

She wants to be friends with me and I’m afraid to let this go but know I have to as I love being in her company.

I am sure time will heal,for now I’m just focusing on my business,fitness and trying to find a purpose.

Men want the responsibility of a family and to provide,I feel very lost as I have traveled extensively,have all I need but I’m missing that responsibility of a woman to love and a child to provide for.

Long post but if anyone could shed a bit of light,I feel very alone at the moment and kind of pointless,finding motivation is tough at the moment.

Thanks for reading

No contact is the best way in these situations, and maybe see that she didn't stick by you through your illness. If it didn't work in sickness, would it have worked for a family? She's also playing with fire by still seeing an ex who adores her while she is with the father of her child, I bet he would not be too impressed by that if he knew. This all shows she's a bit flakey, see that you are better off without her.

Oh you poor thing that sounds really hard for you. I met up with my ex a few months after we split and he told me his new girlfriend was pregnant (turns out she wasn't but he/I of course thought she was) and I burst out crying there and then in the café so I can understand your shock.
I would honestly advise stopping face to face contact now, seeing her growing bump will just be too upsetting for you. There is no reason for you not to meet someone else and have a family. The fact that you split when things were going badly for you maybe suggests that this relationship wasn't for ever although I totally understand you wanting to protect her from the worst of your illness. Hope you start feeling better soon, unfortunately I think the only way to get over her is to care more about someone else.

@Sunshinedu you sound lovely OP
I also think you will need to go no or at least very little contact to protect yourself. This will allow you to be in a better position to meet someone else. It's very difficult I know. Concentrate on yourself, keep busy and distracted. You will get over her..

Thanks for the kind words, yes it is very tough.My heads a complete mess,it took me a week after to function right and I’m still upset over it.

I have good friends, all married with kids and I don’t want to be that guy in his 40s without kids and a good lady as I know I can be a great father as I have a wonderful Dad.

I’m not going to run out and have a child with anyone until I know them well,my ex and I spoke about this also why we were not trying at that time.

Why I was shocked she was pregnant within a month,I do wish her well but inside feel very lost that I got to go through it all again and have my heart ripped out.

It’s the loss of a fantasy life really and I’ve been through plenty of tough times, I know I will get over it in time but feel huge regret she didn’t get me at my best as we wouldn’t have broken up..

Type A personality I am,as was she and we think like this,I am very hard on myself and look on it as a failure.We clicked so well,she gave me the highest love I have found.Not to say I won’t find this again.

Confused why wouldn’t she have told me she was seeing someone as the double shock getting the baby scan from her and finding out she was seeing someone on the same day,really hit me hard.

Very confused,what does a woman want as I believed I gave all I could to her,obviously not.

God what a rollercoaster year or so for you, poor thing. Sorry you've had so much to contend with.

No contact is the best thing, it really is. In my opinion you can't be friends with an ex unless a decent amount of time has passed, you've had a break from contact anyway and you both genuinely ended it amicably and mutually ie not if one of you didn't want to break up and the other did.

It's shit but try to focus on the fact you're making such progress health wise. This too shall pass and all that

Thanks backstreetcookers,I think for men and women it’s tough at any age.

Brings a little chaos to your life and you can’t but feel sad at the loss,I do believe no contact will be my best option.

I won’t be bitter as if I am I will stop someone else coming into my life.

Now my purpose is to build my business,remain positive and keep putting the work into myself.Funny thing the amount of books I have read to try and understand a relationship,I am keen to put them into action as I believe I can bring something as well as learn from my partner.

If I could recommend one book that has helped me and it’s Getting the love you want by Harville Hendrix.

If I must wait a few years to get that love,so be it. Life is to be lived and I intend to pick myself up and get on with things as I have no choice.
Your alll very kind in here, great to find this message board.

Ah a Nice Guy