Anxiety and a baby... Help

[Anon5099]

Hi everyone,
I’m a 33 years old married man with a boy of 7 and a girl of 4 from a previous relationship. My wife also has a child of 6 from a previous relationship.
We got together and fell in love 4 years ago and married last year.
My wife suffers from anxiety and it’s proven quite difficult to live with as the smallest trivial thing could set it off like me going to visit a friend after Work for a drink (very rare).
I pretty much run the household as for cleaning, decorating, gardening and believe it or not SHOPPING! As well as full time work.
My OH works full time too and has her family to help pretty much on tap but I’m a lot more independent as I’ve grown up doing most things for myself (another story). She isn’t one for “chores” in the house really although she cooks 50/50.
The problem here is that my Oh wants another baby.
This has panicked me because of our already busy lives and mine in particular is chaotic to say the least.
I dearly love her but I know that the added pressure would possibly break me and us for that matter. Any advice would be grateful

I don't have any words of wisdom I'm afraid but it sounds like your life is busy enough so I certainly wouldn't be adding another child into it. You clearly do most of the household chores and you don't seem to have much of a life outside which personally I believe is healthy to have (albeit not right now with Covid). Is your DW getting any help and support for her MH? You need to make sure you are looking after yours too or you'll burn yourself out. Have you expressed your concerns about having another child?

Has she been to the gp about her anxiety? Or is she saying that she’s ok unless she has to do the things that stress her like shopping etc? So her coping strategy is to just do the things she feels comfortable doing and you can just do all the crap things? She seems to be conditioning you to not want to go out without her. That’s not healthy as you need your mates and you need time apart.

Could she be stressed at work and looking for a cop out, eg if I have two kids I can give up work and stay home safe all day...

If you are having to do a lot of extra stuff because she can’t cope then I don’t see how she will cope with another baby as that’s way harder than a bit of housework etc.

The answer is that she needs to face her demons, find some medication or coping strategy that supports her and enables her to get out and about without fear, and only after that will you consider another child.

You don’t want your kids growing up thinking it’s weird that mummy never goes out or takes us shopping etc...

And you don’t want her to live half a life, she deserves to be happy and healthy like we all do and staying inside because she’s anxious isnt really solving the problem just the symptom.

Having children is a totally joint decision. She doesn't get to overrule you on something so life changing, especially when you already have one little one to consider.

You can only spread yourself so thinly so don't be made to feel bad if you genuinely don't think you (personally) and / or you (as a couple) aren't in position to provide a strong, stable, healthy and happy home for another child at the moment.

No. She needs to focus on improving her MH.

If you don't want another child, then you need to be upfront about that.

Do all of the kids live with you both? If so, does she do the majority of handling the kids? You didn't mention that in your post in your list of jobs. That's a lot of work and mental load too and not to be underappreciated.

I hate to assume but I'm curious given your youngest child is the same age as your current relationship... Was there a situation where there was an overlap of partners? If so, could that not perhaps be peaking her anxiety when you're going out?

Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply. I don’t want to sound like I’m really sticking the knife in it’s just we have different upbringings and she has been looked after a lot of her life so isn’t as hands on as me. We do talk and recently has been trying to help a lot more but I think that’s because of wanting to add to the family.
My 2 kids stay with us 2 nights a week between work and we have her LO full time.

She used to take medication for anxiety but came of it when we got together as I “calmed her”.
There was no overlap of relationships to be honest it’s actually has been 3 and a half years we have been together just rounded it of to 4 years. Thanks again everyone. We had a chat yesterday about it all.

Glad you talked.

I get that she became more calm while you were around. Having someone you can rely on to have your back is always reassuring. Especially when the past has been difficult or upsetting.

But it doesn’t sound like she’s calm now. It sounds like she needs to get on her medication again as you arent allowed out and she can’t go shopping! She’s only calm when at home with you. She therefore no longer challenges herself or tries to find coping strategies to enable her to live a normal life. And when you go out or can’t go shopping she is unable to cope. You have become her crutch. That’s not good. You shouldn’t be an excuse to stay in at home.

You would be helping her to help herself if you got her to phone the doctor for a prescription. There are new medicines being approved all the time. Perhaps there will be one which is the perfect one for her. Worth a try so she (and the children) can have a normal life.