He cheated.

[Feebeemac]

I have had my suspicions about a claimed friendship with a colleague that my husband has and a few days ago I caught him out. For a few months I have been uncomfortable with this friendship but more recently I had become convinced there was more to it. The first issue came at Easter, I had seen an Easter egg in his cupboard as I was putting things away but thought nothing of it. As we were preparing for Easter Sunday he said that all the eggs were out so I mentioned the one in the cupboard but he claimed there had never been one, I knew there had been but he made it seem as though I was being ridiculous, so I had to leave the room. Eventually he came to me and told me that he had lied, there was an egg and this friend had said she couldn't find that particular one for her daughter so he brought it round there to her. I asked him why he had lied about that but he couldn't justify why he had done it, he just didn't know as I became more upset about it, I am now convinced like I though he bought it for her.
I knew he had seen her a few times and called round there but I have tried to convince myself that there was nothing in it, like I was just being really paranoid and stupid as I suffer from depression and anxiety. My gut feeling had made me feel more aware of something different than what I was lead to believe. I did the most untrustworthy thing I could do the other day and I looked on his phone, I didn't want to be that person but I did it. I saw just a few messages from the night before hers called him baby and said love you, his said I miss your kisses. I couldn't hold it in anymore and I made it clear I had seen them.
I'm not sure he has told me the full truth, he told me that they had only kissed but they had talked about possibly being together but that wouldn't happen whilst we are together, part of me feels like there is much more to it, you just don't say I love you for no reason. I'm heartbroken, I was disowned by my dad when I was younger and I thought that was the worst pain I could ever feel but this feels so much worse. I am so hurt, I spent a full day sobbing but at the same time I feel guilty like it is all my fault as he says he thought that I wasn't interested in him. He says he didn't think I would react in the way I did if I ever found out but I feel as though my world has caved in and I have no one I can share these feelings with. I'm scared that he might go or that if he doesn't will I always remember this. Obviously I am still reeling and every now and then it pops back up and kicks me in the stomach. I need his reassurance to make me feel like I am not worthless and foolish which is how this is making me feel.

Sorry this has happened to you but seriously he is gaslighting you. He is obviously having an affair and it has gone much further than kisses. They are already discussing his leaving so I would get access to his phone and photograph all the messages that you can and get your finances in order. He has showed he is willing to use your mental health against you and make you doubt yourself which is utterly terrible. He has ground you down to be believe he can visit this friend without you questioning it. Totally broken your trust and shows just how low he will go to continue an affair at the cost of your marriage and mental well being. Please gather all your strength and show this loser that he can't treat you like this. Be clever until you have all the proof of finances etc. and do not believe this is your fault. He is a cheat and it's classic to say he did it because you didn't pay him enough attention. It will be the most difficult time of your life but in the long run it will show you that you deserve so much better. What's the alternative? You stay with him and do the pick me dance and spend your life worrying where he is? He will be using the emotional pain from your father leaving against you to get away with cheating. Tell him today to get out or stop all contact. Get full disclosure from him!

He's not telling the truth, he's giving you the edited version.

Take your time, this is going to be fairly agonising for a while. Don't rush to keep him at all costs.

I know you want to believe him, but he will have minimised what has happened to you. You don't tell people you love them if there's not more to it than a few snatched kisses and messages, and going to the lengths of buying her Easter eggs etc - doesn't ring true really, does it?

It's not your fault, and it's shitty that he's suggesting you weren't paying him enough attention.

You are not worthless and foolish.
You have been lied to and manipulated.

He is currently worth less as a person than the one you believed you were with and he's acting like a fool.

Your gut instinct that there is more to it will probably be true, men will always tell the bare minimum of the truth when backed into a corner, just enough to see their way out. I've seen this as both the other woman and the person being cheated on.

You can ask him outright, but he's already lied, chances are he will lie again. You can investigate yourself further, but nothing good comes from pain shopping.

Assume the worst, accept it and decide how to proceed from that. So if seedy nights away at a hotel and a plan to leave you is the worst, just act as if that's what he's done. Make your decisions based on that action. You'll never truly know it all.

You've not been suspicious for no reason, all of your thoughts and feelings are valid. Please do not feel bad for looking at his phone. His actions caused your reaction.

Do you have anyone in real life that you can talk to about this? Just one person you trust that you can be open with. A shoulder to lean on really is invaluable.

He's admitted that they have spoken about being together but that he can't do that while you're together. That means he's considered leaving you. Think carefully about what you actually want here. Do you want to be with a man who was willing to disregard you for someone else?

You are not to blame. If your wife is showing a lack of interest you make moves within your marriage to fix the problem. You don't start boinking the colleague. PLEASE do not accept this trash talk from him. You did not force his hand. He made his own choices. He chose to betray you.

Do not feel bad for him.
Do not trust his excuses or lies.

Most importantly, I'm very sorry you're going through this.

Piss on his toothbrush.

Well for one, he's taking you for a fool.
They did not just kiss.
You say he's been round there and they just kissed?
Don't believe his lying bullshit for one minute.

Do you want to be with a cheat?
Someone who can make you feel so low and worthless?
That is what you need to decide first.
What is he prepared to do to gain your trust back?
What is he actually doing to make this 'better'?
So many of us on here know how much physical pain you are currently in.
Do you have some real life support? Can you talk to anyone about all of this? Keeping his dirty secret is not an option right now. You need some love and support so make sure you reach out for it.
Dealing with all this on your own will eat away at you.

Do you have children together?
What is the living situation like?
What does separation look like?
Do you work?

If what he said is true, he wasnt getting enough attention...did he say this to you, sit down, discuss it, seek solutions, go to counselling? Probably not, he sought attention elsewhere and cheated. That is not your fault, that was his choice, there was nothing you could do to prevent that. Dont feel guilty for his decisions. I experienced something very similar and still have periods when I wonder what I could have done differently to prevent his cheating but it is pointless. There is something missing in him that no amount of attention from other people will fix.

I'm so sorry you are going through this .

First of all, this is not your fault at all. He is minimising everything and then turning it onto you, hence his "I didn't think you would react this way". You are deserve better than this and are indeed worth a lot more. He has lied, cheated and acted disrespectfully. Please do not put the value of yourself, down to his actions. He won't be able to reassure you to feel better, because that ship has sailed.

It's basically up to you and you have 2 options:

1. tell him to leave. It will be hard and you will run the gamut of emotions. You will wonder what she has that you haven't...don't dwell on this. She is irrelevant. Get some support from friend/family, and get some counselling. Your abandonment issues from your dad are playing into this, so counselling will help with this and to also help you understand that this is NOT your fault. Eventually you will get through this, brush yourself down and realise you are indeed worth more!

2. You want him to stay. The proviso would be that he cuts this woman off completely, changes job and you both go to relationship counselling. He needs to be completely transparent with everything. If he is willing to do all of this, then there is a good chance you will get through it. However, if he responds with saying anything in defence of the OW, then you know where you are. His loyalty will be with her and your relationship is done.

You can get through this. OP, I've been through the same and nearly 2 years on. I haven't seen my ex since the day I confronted him with the messages. He lied and gaslighted me for a year prior to me finding out, saying they were just friends etc. As soon as I read the messages between them, then that was it for me and we were over. I blocked him from my life and never looked back. My confidence came back and I live my life positively now, with the determination that I will never settle for shit like that again. I'm in a new relationship of 7 months and whilst I'm in the nice honeymoon period, my bar is raised high because I know I deserved a better relationship.

Things will be very raw and hurting you right now, but please don't be hard on yourself.

He's done a right number on you hasn't he OP..

I don't feel comfortable at all with your guilt reaction to what is clearly complete bullshit. Cheating aside something stinks.

You don't tell someone you love them after a couple of kisses past age 14.

I have a horrible feeling you're going to be doing the pick me dance for the next few months.

I am so sorry you are going through this.

So angry on your behalf. Shock the life out of him and tell him to fuck off. Take back control and say you won't stand for being treated badly and whatever he says, it's not your fault. Pack his wash stuff and a few pairs of pants and socks and put it outside the front door. Where he goes is his problem. How sad he make you feel vulnerable and guilty

Sorry I meant ... how dare he make you....

I did the pick me thing for 5 months...unknown to me. I didnt realise he was still seeing her, he lied the whole time, even when to counselling together during this time...I though we could work things out. In a way I'm glad I know I tried my best to make it work but it takes 2 people who are very committed to making things work to get through this. Part of me wishes I had just cut contact straight away and given him an idea of what he was losing but I was afraid that would push him more towards her. In the end, you need to decide if you want to be with someone who can treat you so badly. Even if he stays, you'll always be wondering why he is late, looking g at his phone, wondering what hes thinking etc...you'll have no peace. The alternative would be to start again and build your own life...

If he’s been round to hers a few times ( that you are aware of ) and she’s telling him she loves him , and he’s telling her I miss your kisses .... there’s zero chance things haven’t gone much further than kissing . Sorry op , I know you don’t want to hear that .
He’s a liar , he lied about there being an Easter egg in the cupboard , tried to make you look like you were going nuts , all the time he had the egg , for her , and was waiting till he had the opportunity to go round there and give it to her . What a fucking lowlife .
So he’s not going to get together with her while you two are together . That’s big of him

As for his BS that he didn’t think you cared about him and wouldn’t react like that . That’s fucking crap and he knows if
You have nothing to feel guilty for . Absolutely nothing . Your H, can’t use DH , is a lying cheat , a worthless piece of shit , and the fault is 100% his . He doesn’t even have the guts to be honest with you , all his ‘poor me I was feeling unloved ‘ . He’s beneath contempt .
Now you know , don’t believe his ‘just kissing ‘ fuckery , you need to think about where you want to go from here . This is about you , and how you feel , and what you want . If you decide to stay and try to work it out , that is of course your prerogative, but you will find it next to impossible to believe anything that he tells you from this point on . He’s shown you he has no problem in lying to your face and going round to visit other women in their homes and Christ knows what else
Once a cheat , always a cheat
Final note , get yourself an sti check .
Sorry this is happening to you

Thank you for the responses.
I really don't know what to do, am I really not to believe him? We have been married for 18 years and have 2 children, do I throw that away as I really do love him, I can't imagine being without him. I hate the thought of the pick me dance and I do realise I have started that. I am just so fed up of crying about it because I feel like that is annoying to him.

Well, isn't that tough luck for him? He gets caught cheating and now his wife keeps crying, how annoying for him?! It's only a few days since discovery - he should be begging for forgiveness, not getting tetchy with you and telling you it's your fault.

Really, you need to find your anger, OP.

You don't have to make any decisions about staying together or not at the moment. It wouldn't be you throwing it away, either - he's the one who has treated your marriage like it's nothing.

I wouldnt believe him...its not in his interests to tell you the truth and he threw things away not you. If your marriage can be saved let him prove that to you with his actions...be strong. If he wanted to make things work he would bend over backwards to do it including telling you the truth.

He's a liar - you know that, so why believe him now. He is gaslighting you. Get rid.

Oh you poor thing, this is pain like you will never have felt before. I've been there and fell for it all because I wanted it to not be true. Acceptance is probably one of the hardest parts of overcoming an affair by their DH. Don't believe anything he says. My, very moral DH, did the same thing by playing it all down. This is 4 years ago now and we are still together. He feels really guilty and absolutely worships me (he's just fucking lucky!) but that damage is done. Do exactly the opposite of me. Be strong. Tell him to leave. Let him go and be with his beloved OW and never look back. I wish I had done that and I still love my DH but there isn't one day I don't think about it. I live a life with someone i didn't choose. He looks the same and there are glimmers of the person he was before his affair and the monster he was during has gone. But this isn't who I chose. I don't deserve the pain of being with someone that disrespect and lied to me and neither do you. Whatever shit he comes up with serves one purpose only and that is to make him feel better about his own arsehole choices.
You can do this and be better off. Feel free to private message me if you want. Bug hugs.

I'm sorry to be harsh when you are suffering but please read back what you have just written OP. Your husband has been with someone else and YOU don't want to throw away 18 years. Plus HE'S getting fed up with you crying over the pain HE'S caused you. If this was your daughter or your best friend, what would you say. Also bear in mind that staying in the relationship and not throwing him out endorses the fact the he can disrespect you as much as he likes and there are no consequences. Without consequences, why wouldn't he carry on with this one or find another OW in the future. So sorry for what you are going through

Thank you for the responses.
I really don't know what to do, am I really not to believe him? We have been married for 18 years and have 2 children, do I throw that away as I really do love him, I can't imagine being without him. I hate the thought of the pick me dance and I do realise I have started that. I am just so fed up of crying about it because I feel like that is annoying to him.

I don't think you should believe him, no. He's not given you reason to so far. He's lied to your face and also tried to manipulate you, telling you that what you have seen is wrong.

You wouldn't be throwing anything away. It's him that has risked this relationship. And from what he's said, he's checked out anyway.

You love him and you can't imagine being without him and that's understandable for the length of time you've been together. But you would survive it, if you did choose to end things. And you might even find yourself, one day, with someone who treats you right.

Oh he can FUCK OFF with his being annoyed. He brought this on himself. You are perfectly within your rights to cry. Shout if you want to. He doesn't get to be annoyed at you being heart broken. What a twat.

Feebeemac, you said "I did the most untrustworthy thing I could do." Obviously that's not true of your husband's behavior.

Please don't feel guilty about that. And don't let him feed you all these lies and BS. He's made this up in his head to justify his behavior, and to do exactly what he's done. He's made you feel as though you must have done something wrong to "cause" him to do that. And by saying he didn't think you'd be upset, he's setting you up to do the Pick Me dance. Which you said you've already started despite not wanting to do that.

If there were truly those kind of issues, then he owed you the respect of discussing it before getting involved with her. Instead, he had his head turned, wanted something new, and looked for faults to excuse it if he got caught. By sliding into this relationship with her, he's trying to tell himself it's not his fault and he couldn't help it.

I think in your heart you know that he's the one at fault, and that he's only told you the least he had to based on what you found. Don't let him make you second-guess yourself. The cheating is his fault. Period.

None of us can definitively tell you how to fix this or whether you should end your marriage. I hope you'll consider individual counseling to help you work through your feelings so you can decide what to do. If it were me, I hope I'd do that, and in the meantime go as cool as possible so I could think clearly. Maintaining your normal married life will make it easier to minimize his behavior, and will cloud your judgement.

I'm so sorry he has done this to you. Because he is the one who has done this.