Is it possible to date as a single mum of a toddler?

[Siablue]

I know lots of people do but I can’t see how it is possible in my situation. Other people go on dates when their kids are at their dads but if you have your child full time and they are little how do you do it?

My cousin has just got engaged to her new partner and it’s not that long after she separated but she is more confident than me. I don’t think I have much chance of meeting anyone nice because I can’t imagine them wanting to date me. My friends have told me I am not undateable but I really think I am.

I don’t know, but I’m single with a full time 4 year old and interested in anyone’s answers I’m also a bit messed up from my 11 year abusive marriage so god knows who would put up with me!

Of course you can! Does your little one go to their fathers at all overnight?

I'm in the same position as fighting but I have 2 kids aged 3&5. I've been on a few dates, they've not worked out because there was no spark but not because of the kids. Never made it to 'relationship' status though and I do wonder how that will work (though they are beginning to do overnights with their dad so I'm hoping that will help!)

I was in your exact position. It took me 5 years to meet someone new, and that was through me starting a new job. Do you have a life outside of being a single mother?

Same position, with a 2 year old. No contact whatsoever with father (abusive). Not only do I never think I'll get the time, I also just feel tubby and frumpy and mumsy so basically not at all sexy... Just can't see it ever happening

He doesn’t go to his dad’s no. It wouldn’t be a good idea for many reasons.

I do work so I used to leave the house. We won’t be back in the office til September.

I was also in an abusive relationship and have basically lost my confidence. 😢

Same position, 6 and a half years old child. Interested in anyone with ideas here. I've been on a night out an average of once per year, for a few hours to the pub each time. The only people I know who have met someone are those who share custody with their ex. I work full time but there's just no time there to meet someone, and I work about an hour from where I live.

It's hard with a toddler. The only way you can do it is if you can afford a babysitting service (and this is ££££s compared to paying a teenager who can't stay until late) or if you have someone who will have your child overnight but most people can't do that regularly enough to enable you to spend sufficient time outside the house to develop a relationship. When you're really raising a child alone there just isn't anyone else there. This is why, incidentally, a lot of mothers who are absolutely single - ie no parenting input from the father - end up introducing their children to a new partner early doors; you can't leave the house.

DrinkVeneer I was saying exactly this to my mum the other day. Anyone who judges for introducing someone to their kids early is just not being realistic, and I do think that if they just see them occasionally as opposed to their first meeting being an overnighter then how is it any different to introducing a friend?

Siablue - was in a really similar situation. My solution isn't necessarily one that I'd suggest but could kill or cure 😂 but I had a fling with a guy who thought I was the hottest thing ever. We had lots of sex for a few weeks (he was a bit boring and thick so it was never more than sex) and it have me the confidence boost I needed. I started exercising and eating better, have lost a stone during lockdown and
Now feel really confident ready for proper dating after lockdown. I know how hard it is and how impossible it can seem but I'm sure there is happiness out there for us too x

Lol now there's a happy story! Nice one.

Agree that fwb is the way to go or alternatively someone who is generally busy and has lots going on so doesn't mind that you're also not free a lot of the time - because you're not. Younger men are the best for this, I've found. 😉

Needtogetbackinthesack good for you. I have no idea where I would meet such a person.

I have never done online dating. I have heard lots of horror stories. I would worry about introducing someone to my son but can’t see anyway to do it. I am not sure who would like to date someone with a toddler.

I m in the same position but have 4 children. They don't go to their dad's at all (he is absent) I don't think it's possible unless you have help with child care or pay for babysitters (I don't have any help so it's not possible for me)

I used a combination of my dm and paying her keyworker from nursery to look after her.

I'm married to him now.

I did it, sometimes my kids went to their dad's, sometimes my parents would have my kids for the day or evening, sometimes my friends and I take in turns babysitting each other's kids. Then there's paid babysitters - not that I know any and I'm not sure it's as common as when I used to babysit as a teen.

think it's possible unless you have help with child care or pay for babysitters this. It's what people don't understand when I confess I've rarely been out in years. I get this look like i must be over - egging it, must not have tried hard enough, people assume there must be 'someone' you can just pass your kids off to. But if you don't have free help, and a babysitter is minimum £5 an hour, one night out could be anywhere from

Drinks at pub £20
Babysitter £20
Total £40

to

Taxi both ways £60
Meal at restaurant £20
Drinks £15
Entrance to theatre or whatever £15
Babysitter £30
Total £140

Or if you stayed over at a hotel more to avoid bringing a date home.

Some (most?) lone parents wouldn't be able to afford that many times per year. And if you consider how much you could get for DC for that money, that's always made me too guilty to spend it on me. And for what, seeing someone for one night when you can't sustain a relationship.

Wow Pumpkin it must be tough on your own with 4 children.

It would be awkward asking my family to look after the little one for me to go on a date. We also co-sleep and I don’t think he would sleep without me.

Yes the money is also an issue. There is no way I could justify spending that amount of money one one date.

Yeah it is tough. I posted a thread the other day because people keep pressuring me to date but they don’t realise it’s simply impossible when you have children and no help. My family don’t look after my children and they certainly wouldn’t have them for me to date. The most I get is my sister will have them in an emergency (think hospital etc) I wouldn't use babysitters as my kids wouldn’t be happy to be left with one and oldest has autism.

So I’ve accepted the fact I will be single forever. I wouldn’t bring any one over whilst they are in bed either as I would have to know them very well before they came over to my house where my kids are and you can’t get to that point if you can’t date. The ones that do date again are the ones whose kids go to the dads house on the weekend or have a lot of family help.

I have toddlers and agree with a PP about a FWB. I had one and he gave me a lot of confidence in myself. Also from an abusive relationship. I never want to introduce a new man to my kids so it's a tough situation all round. My kids never go to their dad's.

Yeah lots of people don't get it, which is frustrating because it's fundamentally the part that makes raising them alone so stressful - there isn't anyone to hand them to so no, you can't go to the gym/date/pop out for a pint of milk even. It's logistics and the logistics start and end with you.

I left an abusive relationship many years ago, I had two young children. After getting the effects of the abuse sorted via support from Women's Aid, doing the freedom programme, and getting sensible boundaries put in place I entered the social life phase. I had a friend who was in a similar position. We used to take it in turns babysitting each others children. I met a wonderful man via OLD and we've been together many years now. We've expanded our family greatly. Our children from previous relationships and the ones we've had together, make our big happy blended family. Life doesn't have to stop for single parents. I've friends in the same position and they do the same now, some just for a night out with the girls. The chances are you have friends from different different social circles so this works great. I wish everyone the best of luck getting out there as a single parent. It's bloody tough. Dating tougher. End of the day we all have a right to be happy.