Relationship with my mother

[Ginnymweasley]

I have written about my mum before on here but mainly in regards to her relationship with my dad which is probably abusive in reality. (She is the abuser). She is generally not a very nice person. She is lovely one minute then the next she is ranting and raving, shouting etc over silly little things.
I spent most of my childhood and teen years doing my best to avoid one of these blow ups. I moved out when I was 18. I'm close to my dad but obv less so my mum. We up until this point still talk, she has a relationship with her grandkids, we visit etc.
2 weeks ago it was my 30th birthday, she didnt contact me at all, no card, present, phonecall or even a facebook like. I was upset by this. I haven't contacted her since which is probably petty but I fully expected her to phone me and the longer it has gone on the less inclined i am to talk to her.
Tonight I heard from a close family friend who wanted to know why I wasnt contacting my poor mum. Turns out my mum is telling everyone I'm ignoring her. And to make matters worse i have also found out that she sent a birthday card and present to one of my oldest friends for her 30th birthday last week.
I just don't know where to go from here. She is just horrible. She blames everyone for everything that happens to her, nothing is ever her fault. She punishes people with the silent treatment or in my dads case just abuse. A huge part of me just wants to ignore her but then there is my dad and my kids and I feel guilty. I have always just tried to let her behaviour roll off me but even though she is over 200 miles away tonight she made me cry. Any advice on where to go from here?

Anybody?

I didn’t want to read your post and run, I’m so sorry she is abusive. What she’s doing is clearly designed to inflict as much pain as possible. I don’t know any way to say that in a way that isn’t incredibly painful. When someone who is supposed to love and nurture you not only hurts you deliberately but then makes out they are the victim - well there’s no other pain like it.

I know you feel guilty about your dad but also he has not protected you from her behaviour. Can she ever be a healthy person for your kids to be around?

I honestly think the only way to heal from this sort of behaviour is to remove yourself from it completely. I know that’s a scary prospect but my experience tells me that these types of incredibly damaging people don’t change. They just keep on hurting you because for whatever reason they feel they have a right to (and to play the victim).

For me, the only thing that worked was finally accepting I could never have the type of relationship with family like this I wanted to have - that they were neither capable of it or interested. Then I slowly made moves to remove myself. It’s been the key to healing and not having my life turned upside down with the pain of their abusive behaviour.

What sort of support do you have around you at the moment? Do you have supportive friends or a partner for example?

In terms of moving forward in some ways you have to learn to let go of misplaced guilt. I used to feel guilty about my abuser because they would always say how awful they had it and the person who enabled it, like your father has. Because the enabler would get it in the neck too. But then I realised they have made their choices. And the abuser chose to abuse me and the enabler chose to look the other way - because it suited them. It was easier.

So my advice is to consider going no contact and focusing on yourself and your happiness. To make that choice to consider your own needs and have compassion for yourself - because harsh as this sounds, your parents aren’t going to do that. I know that’s not easy but speaking from the other side of this, it’s so liberating.

Happy birthday for two weeks ago!

I will say to be fair to my dad he has always stuck up for me, and the worst of her behaviour started when I had moved out. He is unbelievable downtrodden, my mum has worn him down to the point where he only calls me when he is out of the house. My dad is very much a victim in all this. Now obv he should have left many years ago but I think I understand why he didnt. They are heading towards 70, he comes from a very traditional background, my mum suffered a few health problems leading to him feeling responsible etc.
I know that really I should step away from it all, it's just so hard. I have a loving husband and a few close friends. I have never been very good at keeping friends, I'm not good at letting people get close. I know a lot of it is hang ups from my relationship with my mum. I have 2 sisters, one who lives in australia and one who lives 2 doors down from my parents. The one in australia cut ties with my mum a couple of years ago but obv found it easier been halfway round the world. They also have a different dad so don't have the ties I do.
I know it seems like I'm sticking up for my dad but he is the kindest man, and over the last few years he has become a shell of the man who raised me. I couldn't abandon him to deal with her alone. I am currently working with him to try and help him to leave her.

My mum is horrid. I went NC with her a few years ago and whilst I envy those who have a good Mum on a way, I am so glad I made that decision. I have 1 life - it's not going to be ruined by my Mum. I have my DCs and my lovely DP, my DBs, good friends, and it's enough. Life is peaceful. Good luck with your Dad I hope it works out, but from what you've said it sounds as if you're parenting your Dad somehow, and will have this whole unhealthy, toxic family dynamic as your blight for at least the foreseeable future. I don't think it's worth the stress but if you can get thru it then good on you. My Dad left my Mum by the way and had a much happier life.

I know what you mean about parenting and sometimes it can feel that way but it's more convincing him that we wont blame him for leaving her. He was meant to be going to stay with my uncle before the Coronavirus thing but my uncle is in a shielding group so that hasn't happened. I cant explain it very well but my dad has always been my biggest champion, he helped me get into uni when my mum told me I couldn't, he provided me with everything as a kid, I spent most of my time with him. But i know it is his decision to make and I cant make it for him. But for the time being I am trying to support him as he starts to break away. Over the past year he has made huge steps, he now tells her no, he has seperate bank account, he has a social life and has made new friends. He is heading in the right direction.
I am trying to just get past the guilt and anger so I don't give in and end up calling her. My head is all over the place at the minute. Lockdown is both a blessing and a curse at this stage. I'm glad I have the distance but at the same time much more time to dwell.

I'm so sorry that things have turned out so unhappily for you. Well done on helping your dad. I'm sure he feels stronger having had your support.
It really doesn't sound like your dc are missing out on not seeing your mother, or have they said anything. But it's sad that they're not seeing your dad.

I can only say what I would do if it was me.

If probably ring her and call her out on her behaviour and on ignoring your birthday. And tell her you'd had enough.

Would she then take it out on your dad which would be so unfair.
If have to have my say, but that's me.

I hope you find peace.

Part of me wants so badly to tell her exactly how she has made me feel but in reality it's pretty pointless. She will turn it around and blame me. Which will then make me feel more terrible. She might take it out on my dad but my dad wouldnt tell me if she did, but she is more likely to blame me and take it out on me.
I think that's what I find quite hard, being angry and having no outlet. Normally I'm quite straight with people and tell them how I feel but not with her so I just end up a huge ball of anger and resentment.