Trouble with partners mum.... please help

[Bear45]

Sorry if this is long...
I’ve been with my partner for 18months, we’re happy he’s good with my girls and between me and him there are no problems. However the problem we do have is his mum!
I invite his mum as much as possible to things that we do and birthdays etc. At new year she invited us for New Year’s Day dinner, his sister was down with her dog which has tried to bite my youngest 3 times (it’s a rescue and had a bad time) my youngest is now very scared of small dogs. I said we could go for dinner if they put the dog in a crate or another room. I was told I was being ridiculous and it’s my child’s fault the dog doesn’t like her because she’s loud! So me and the girls didn’t go and his mum started being funny with me saying I’m controlling her son! After months of her complaining last year about me not inviting her to places she then didn’t invite me and the girls to 2 family meals of which I have found out she did it to spite me for not going on New Years! My partner now wants her to come and see the girls over the wall during lockdown, I have said no not until I can talk to her about her behaviour.
My question is... am I being ridiculous or is her behaviour odd??!!
Thank you if you managed to read all that I hope it makes sense

Why does she think you are controlling her son? not sure I see the connection. Did he not go to the NY dinner?

where do you see this going OP? I'm thinking you are both digging your heels in here and looking for slights from the other to up the ante. I'm not sure speaking to her about her behaviour is the right approach to take

She thinks I’m controlling him because I said if during the start of lockdown he went to see her he wouldn’t be able to come back, his mum is a key worker and in a hospital and I didn’t want that near my girls. Before the spiteful ness I was happy to go out and go for tea at hers if the dog that tried to bite my child was safe.
Any advise on what would be?

I think your partner needs to step up and talk to his mum. It shouldn't be on you to pull her up on the bad behaviour. Does he stand up for you all?

The dog is kept away from your children or you don’t go over. They’re your absolute priority. They aren’t her grandchildren, why is she so keen to see them? If she’s going to be a bitch about inviting you to family occasions, you can be a bitch back. Protect your girls no matter what she says, the dog needs training or restraining if his sister can’t be arsed to train it.

@Nattyjackie
Yes he does stand up for me, he told her I’m not controlling him it was his choice to stay here not move back in with his mum.
What he doesn’t do is stand up to his mum about anything else. He’s scared of her reaction.

@cherrysoup
That is exactly what I said, my girls are my everything and I will not knowingly put them in any danger no matter what it is. I don’t know why she wants to see them so much, she didn’t try this hard before lockdown.

Your dp needs to have the conversation with his mum imo.

The thing about the dog is just terrible and that dog should be safely away from others if it is prone to biting.

i always feel a bit sorry for the partner in this scenario.

they’re your children so what you say goes end of.

i think the suggestion of a crate probably pushed her over the edge and pissed her off.

I don’t think you were unreasonable about the dog at all . I always put mine in another room if asked and mine have never bitten .

Stick to your guns .

But you have made your point so is the visit to chat over the wall not a different matter ? Or you want an apology?

I can relate to this . Ive always tolerated my parents unruly dogs but one day one of them shockingly went for my 8 yr old daughter's face, literally an inch away it stopped . I still feel sick when i think about it ! Now shes a beautiful 18 year old and i shudder to think how dreadful I abd she would feel if it went one inch more . I never went again as they treat their dogs better than children . I regret not standing firm on those dogs

I feel I need to talk to her so I can understand why she chose to not invite me and the girls to family occasions out of spite (she has actually said this it’s not just my take on it) I need to be able to understand the logic behind it or I don’t think I’ll be able to trust her with anything. If she’s willing to spite us for not going for tea becAuse of the dog what else is she willing to do?

why is he deciding who gets to see YOUR children?
how soon did he move in with you?

I need to be able to understand the logic behind it or I don’t think I’ll be able to trust her with anything.

But she's told you 'the logic'

She wanted to spite you, for raising perfectly reasonable concerns about dog safety and YOUR kids.

So you know if you should trust her - the answer is HELL NO.

You need to talk to your partner and make it crystal clear that if his mother is going to fuck with you, then there will be no relationship at all going forward. She isn't your children's granny, she's already been dismissive of their safety, undermined your parenting, and then shown herself to be spiteful and silly when disagreed with. He's welcome to continue any sort of relationship with her that he wishes to have, but if YOUR relationship is going to continue, then he needs to a. have your back and b. accept that you have the right to not have a relationship with his mother and not have her in your home. An agree to disagree situation.

You'll probably find that responding like this - sending a very clear 'Do not fuck with me' message to his mother will be the quickest route to things settling down and her keeping her opinions to herself. It will be obvious to her that her choice is to be respectful and kind to her son's partner or see much, much less of him and not be at all involved with his immediate 'family life' - then she will behave herself.

Oh and yes, the only response to him saying he wants his mother to say hello to YOUR children over YOUR wall is - 'You'd better tell her to speak to those childrens' mother then!'

I would allow her to come. Perhaps that’s her olive branch.

Be the bigger person.

Thank you for all your advice. I think I just needed to hear from people outside of my family and friends that my views on dog safety are valid and I am well within my rights to refuse.
I am not letting her come and see the girls until we have spoken about what has happened.
I will not be speaking to her until things have calmed down. My girls are the most important things to me and I will protect them from what ever I can for as long as I can.
Thank you all again