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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this worth saving?

25 replies

YAABP · 11/05/2020 09:31

NC for this as want it separate from my usual account.

Dp and I are having a rough time at the moment. Really snippy and arguing with each other.

It all started a couple of months ago where I didn’t want to have sex, and he sulked and then stormed off home. I was furious with him and told him in no uncertain terms that if it even happened again it would be over. If only life was so simple!

I feel like if I do anything he perceives as ‘wrong’ he sulks, or is pissed off, or refuses to speak but to me. And then gets angry with me for questioning him. And then I get incredibly defensive and frustrated if I perceive him to be in a bad mood, and then it spirals.

I feel like I have to toe the line to keep him happy, and if I’m not in a perfect mood he gets pissed off.

I am not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but I am under a huge amount of pressure currently: lost my job before furlough etc, have a young child at home (not dp’s) missing nursery and her friends, shielding family members, and my father passed away last Wednesday.

I don’t really know what I’m asking here, not sure I can cope with another loss so quickly, but can’t stay in this place either.

OP posts:
Lordfrontpaw · 11/05/2020 09:35

I feel like I have to toe the line to keep him happy, and if I’m not in a perfect mood he gets pissed off.

That’s the sentence that did it for me - this is early in the relationship when you are both trying to ‘impress’ each other. Can you imagine a few years down the line when the gloves are off?

It wouldn’t be a ‘loss’ though would it? Definitely a gain - freedom, peace of mind, opportunities...

Justtryingtobehelpful · 11/05/2020 09:42

Your paragraphs made it sound progressively worse. Is this how you want to spend your life? Are you okay with your child's tiptoeing around your DP too?
You've already tried to address it to no avail. Remember, anger is a choice. He's choosing to act like this towards your and your child. I think that answers your question for you.....

Bristolbitsandbobs · 11/05/2020 09:46

Bin him off. Sounds like he wants someone that does what he wants rather than a partner. Fuck that

Eachpeachtree · 11/05/2020 09:48

I feel like I have to toe the line to keep him happy, and if I’m not in a perfect mood he gets pissed off.

In my experience, this is the start of a slippery slope into a controlling, manipulative and emotionally abusive relationship.

Yellowsubmarinedreams · 11/05/2020 09:53

I think you know its not worth saving OP.

Original poster
YAABP · 11/05/2020 09:56

I don’t know where it’s all gone wrong tbh. Before lockdown and the accompanying stress we were so good. Never a cross word etc. It just seems with all this stress I’m taking my frustrations out on him and he’s reacting. And then I’m reacting more so it’s a vicious circle.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/05/2020 09:56

This is not worth saving at all. All this man wants is a compliant non complaining sap of a woman to look after him and such types hate all women.

AgentJohnson · 11/05/2020 10:00

Him behaving this way is awful but doing so after your father passed away less than a week ago, is unforgivable.

He’s punishing you for not being his on call wank orifice, f%#}k that.

Patsypie · 11/05/2020 10:00

I'm sorry about your father. DP sounds like a

Patsypie · 11/05/2020 10:02

He sounds like a bratty manchild. These are early days when things should be lovely. I'd bin him tbh. Sorry about your father ❤️

EngagedAgain · 11/05/2020 10:21

Sounds very much like my OH, and I've been with him years. It doesn't get any better. You say things have been worse since lockdown - well that is probably how he will always react at times of stress or in a crisis. Whatever you do, don't have children with him.

movealongnothingheretogawpat · 11/05/2020 12:08

Years ago my friend said " if he thinks the sun shines out of you he's worth keeping " or on the flip side if he doesn't think so he isn't worth keeping

Shoxfordian · 11/05/2020 12:10

Ugh no
Dump him

TorkTorkBam · 11/05/2020 12:14

It just seems with all this stress I’m taking my frustrations out on him and he’s reacting. And then I’m reacting more so it’s a vicious circle.

No! It is not your fault that he handles stress badly. Stop blaming it on yourself. You do not make him sulk. When he feels negative emotion he chooses to sulk. It is not you.

You never really know what someone is like until the stressful times come.

Standard advice from old women to young women is to say no to man on something unimportant then stick to your no. You will rapidly find out what he is like deep down.

Now you know.

Bin.

Eugenieonegin · 11/05/2020 13:01

I am so sorry for the loss of your father, this is a time you should be able to rely and lean on people, not be worrying about their moods.💐 for you.

Wanderlust21 · 11/05/2020 13:07

He throws sulks like a 5 year old. That shit isn't normal. He is emotionally stunted, punishing you for not being at his beck and call, via sulking. This is not your fault, he has issues. Not fixable ones either. Get yourself out.

Often these sorts become more obvious when you have other pressing needs or emotional happenings. Because suddenly your attention is elsewhere/divided.

It's not good enough. Get out fast.

Pokske · 11/05/2020 13:39

He's an immature creep who does not respect you. He can't handle disappointment, stress, things that don't go his way.
Leave and don't look back.

NoMoreDickheads · 11/05/2020 14:21

No.

was furious with him and told him in no uncertain terms that if it even happened again it would be over. If only life was so simple!

It is.

category12 · 11/05/2020 14:33

Has it really only started since lockdown? It sounds like anytime there's conflict, he stonewalls and gives you the silent treatment? If you never had conflict before, then it's just that his behaviour has been revealed rather than a change.

It's easy to have a good relationship when it's all smooth-sailing - it's the difficult times that show up the realities. A bloke who can't deal with anything but a fixed smile and a yes, is no sort of life-partner.

Original poster
YAABP · 14/05/2020 14:00

Oh for fucks sake. Just had a massive argument because when he asked me to get off my phone (I had just spoken to the medical advisor regarding why my dad died and was googling) I said “I’m a 31 year old woman I can do what I want!” in a haha way.

He’s stormed off home again. I honestly cannot be fucked with this bullshit anymore.

OP posts:
EngagedAgain · 14/05/2020 14:59

If he doesn't live with you, why put up with it all.

TwentyViginti · 14/05/2020 14:59

Don't let him back then? He's a controlling, sulky brat, with no empathy or real care for you.

Holothane · 14/05/2020 15:29

Oh get rid, he’s too much hassle, you’ve enough in your life.

TorkTorkBam · 14/05/2020 17:36

Don't put up with his bullshit then.

he sulked and then stormed off home. I was furious with him and told him in no uncertain terms that if it even happened again it would be over
Seems like he realises YOU are the bullshitter more than him.

PicsInRed · 14/05/2020 20:06

Sounds very much like my OH, and I've been with him years. It doesn't get any better. You say things have been worse since lockdown - well that is probably how he will always react at times of stress or in a crisis. Whatever you do, don't have children with him.

This. These ones will destroy you from the inside out.

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