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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

AIBU to think I'm stuck with him for months now

8 replies

marly11 · 11/05/2020 08:22

Split with DP of many years in January, after years of an unhappy time - my decision. I'm buying him out but it seems that until lockdown ends nothing at all will change. Clearly, he's going nowhere and has no intention of moving anything forward. I've told my family and a couple of friends, got the purchase moving, but we've not told DC as I wanted the details to be clear to explain where DP would be living etc rather than just presenting then with an unknown life going forwards. I am in the spare room. He continues like everything is normal. I am being ok because of the DC but I am dying inside. Legals moving forward from my point of view but nothing can change until he signs things and of course looks for alternative accommodation which he has no incentive to do it seems either financially or emotionally. Boris said nothing about housing or estate agents. There's no reportable abuse - just a totally dead relationship and a man who does nothing to progress his life at the best of times never mind in lockdown. I'm with him for the duration aren't I... for months? Any helpful or supportive suggestions most welcome. I know the national picture is awful and in the great scheme of things this is small, but I am struggling.

OP posts:
Greenkit · 11/05/2020 08:34

Your buying him out, but your in the spare room....That needs to change

Can't he go to parents ?

Greenkit · 11/05/2020 08:35

Also please tell me your not doing all the cooking, washing, housework, looking after the children, for him as well...

marly11 · 11/05/2020 08:41

Nope... all as before, so a 'reasonable' level of sharing of chores but it's not mine yet... and of course if I'm aggressive about it he is even less likely to be cooperative I guess. I'm not sure what gives one person any more to DH to the main bed than another that's the problem and I guess he could argue 'it was my decision' but the last thing I want to be is lying next to him obv..

OP posts:
marly11 · 11/05/2020 08:41

And no parents or family on his side...

OP posts:
marly11 · 11/05/2020 08:46

Sorry... should have said 'any more right to the main bedroom'

OP posts:
Sparklingplasters · 12/05/2020 09:42

Can you try to enjoy your own space? Read in the bath with a glass of wine? Get a tv for spare room? Look for some good series on Netflix for you to enjoy without him?

marly11 · 12/05/2020 10:08

Thank you @Sparklingplasters a good reminder. I'm trying and as a not-generally-patient person I am being tested to my limit! But yes, trying to do that with books, a couple of series, Bath is attached to my bedroom which I have now temporarily (I hope) lost so I am trying to avoid that bit of the house where possible otherwise I seem to keep coming across ex-P without clothes on which makes me 🤮. Eating nice chocolate!! My worry is though that he will simply not go until time gets stupid - like Christmas... 😩 every news broadcast suggests the hope of estate agents and rentals being easy to access is getting further and further away.

OP posts:
willowmelangell · 14/05/2020 12:14

Could you start organising things as if there was a time limit?
You mention he has no family to move in with. So I am going to assume when you buy him out he has to start from scratch. He will need a bedroom set for himself and bedroom sets for dc for their overnight visits. Enough equipment and white goods for a working kitchen. Furniture for a sitting room. Tv and entertainment etc.
Have you asked him if he is planning on renting a fully furnished house? If he says(for example) that it is none of your business. You agree with him, but that you were only asking as you need to know what the division of marital/joint/household property he was thinking of.
Lock down will end. Lettings agencies need income. You will be two households sharing dc. Some one keeps the (say) settee and some one gets to buy a new one.
Can you ask one question to maybe nudge his thinking along?

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