Relationship without alex toon

[mum22soon23]

So my husband and I have been married for 7 years, the issue is and has been for about 4 years is he is as affectionate as a lamp post. He used to say it’s just who he is and he’s not a cuddly, missy person etc
I cuddle him, I kiss him, I tell him I love him and how gorgeous I think he is daily but I get nothing back. We have 2 children 9 and 5.

I am now fed up of feeling so low about myself and crying myself to sleep.

We have discussed it before and he changes for about a week but then it goes back to normal and now I feel if I brought it up and he hugged me it would be through guilt not love.

What should I do ? I’m Now desperate.

X

Who is Alex toon

@TomNook I think it's meant to say affection

Sorry affection not alex toon :(

Was he significantly different the first three years?

Yes he was, pre kids. I know marriage and children change things but this is like 100 to 0 - we get on fine but it’s like I’m living with a flat mate not my husband.

It probably feels really unnatural to him to become affectionate all in one go. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you but it is not the way he shows it.

You could try looking at the book 'the five languages of love together '. It discusses the different ways in which different people feel loved.

E.g. for some it is affectionate touch, for others it is spending time together, for others gifts, for others it is words of affirmation or kind acts.
I thought it was bunkum at first but it really allowed my husband and I to see that we had different ways of showing we loved the other and they were not the same. We now make a conscious effort to show our affection in the other person's love language. Even though it doesn't feel natural at first it feels good because you know the other person cares enough to make that effort.

'The five languages of love'

I have been married a long time and ultimately you have to learn to live with it and be a bit more self-contained. Sorry. Unless of course you want to split up, disrupt all your lives and find a few years of affection with someone else...

However, in recent years I have got into the idea of love languages and realised that some of the ways in which my spouse shows love are through ‘acts of care’. It can be a useful way of appreciating how someone is rather than who they are not.

Thank you for that. I haven’t read the book but have heard of it, the issue is we have spoken about this, how we both feel loved etc and we move forward (I’ve never had to change as he feels incredibly loved and happen) with his behaviour and efforts changing. Probably done this 3 times normally 6-8 months apart each time and lasts a week.

I honestly think I can’t do it anymore, but feel guilty for possibly giving up everything we have. Nice home, he has a good job, I have a good job, children are happy we have a great friends circle and if I were to finish things I don’t think anyone would understand. I feel trapped to be honest. Sorry for the self loathing :(

Are you sexually intimate or has that gone too?
It would be heartbreaking.
Did he just see you as a baby making machine do you think and now he had no need to?

That’s pretty much gone too, once every 6-8 weeks possibly. I don’t enjoy it, he only ever thinks about ‘himself’ and it’s over before it began.
I try, I really do try, I shave, moisture, wear nice sexy nighties for him, and really make an effort Weekly and it falls on deaf ears. I then cry myself to sleep again feeling totally rejected and even after we are intimate it’s so cold and emotionless that I end up crying my eyes out in the bathroom after. God I sound pathetic, I’m just really trying.

You don't sound pathetic.

Basically he's got everything he wants and needs, and he doesn't naturally give in return, and can't be arsed to keep up the "effort" it would take to give you what you need. He's selfish in bed and ultimately selfish in the relationship.

Yes, totally agree he is. There’s a big age gap, I’m 29 he’s 43 - wondering also if this is now an issue when it wasn’t to begin with ?

You’re 29?

Leave him and find someone who deserves you.

It’s not the age gap - my DH is 15 years older than me and a more affectionate man you could not meet.

It’s him.

It all sounds incredibly lonely, and will only get worse as the children grow up and move out.

You deserve to feel desired, loved and cherished, maybe a proper heart to heart and if things really don't change then cut your losses.

Lord, OP, you're only 29 - do you really want to spend your prime like this, starved for affection and a shit sex life?