behaviour change success stories

[bevm72yellow]

May I ask some of you with experience of how your relationship with your DP improved after a major issue with them that they refused to take responsibility for ? What was it that changed the way the relationship worked? Problems such as alcoholism, gambling, workaholic, poor parenting, lack of help with housekeeping

I found that when I changed my behaviour it changed his. Before I would nag and constantly want to discuss these things that annoyed me and we would end up going round in circles.. (although admittlwy nothing as bad as gambling or alcoholism, just helping around the house and other things) instead I would state what I am upset or not pleased with and leave it at that, and sure enough he would then change with action. Maybe because I gave him the space to realise himself that he should do these things, and also probably he saw the change in my dealings of this and thought she is being very mature and calm about it which made him want to do these things to make me happy. It worked for me and I now apply this to any issues we have that crop up.

Not a dp but an ex.

My ex told me he had taken two weeks off to holiday with ds(7). He had lied, only taken one week, second week he left ds with his new partner. She had a family bereavement and abandoned ds with total stranger. Very upset Ds called me to go & fetch him. This was the second time ex had let ds down badly.

I managed to get across to ex calmly that I needed to be able to trust him with ds, and if he couldn’t manage basic honesty, I couldn’t do that. I didn’t say out loud that I would cease to co-operate in co-parenting and I didn’t lose my temper.

Being fair to ex, he hasn’t pulled a stunt like that again in the last four years.

@mintjulia you handled that with dignity. I think whenever you deal with a situation calmy it ultimately leaves the other person questioning their own behaviour and leaves no question for yours. Whereas if you get angry it makes the issue about the way it's been dealt with rather than the issue itself. If that makes sense.