Is this more abuse from dh during lockdown...

[BlueTide]

Before lockdown started I finally built up to telling dh it is over, he has refused to accept it, there has been years of EA, put downs, swearing at me, accusing me of cheating, shouting at me when I’m poorly, telling me I have been abusive/aggressive since he met me - that I punched him in the face (which I know I never ever have) I could go on. We have 3 dc 2 all primary age, one secondary in September. Dh has continuously been in denial about it all, I have told him clearly that I have no feelings for him anymore and the way he has treated me has killed the respect and any love I had for him. He is now on a daily basis saying there are more important things than mine and his feelings, and it is responsibility to make me aware that I am ruining the children’s lives. He says he still loves me even though I don’t love him, but more important than wanting/needing love for him is the dc and he doesn’t need me to show him any love or intimacy, just put the kids first. I find this to be absolutely ridiculous, and have been trying to figure it out, mind-bending. He has told me he will write to me for years to come after I have ruined the dc lives to tell me he warned me, I told him that is an awful thing to do to anyone, he said I am the awful one for ruining the dc lives.
I don’t even know what I am asking…WTH???

It is very manipulative and nasty, trying to fuck with your head. Please separate from him as soon as you can. xxxx

Run girl! This is crazy behaviour from him and you need to go! You tell him you have no feelings, he's making you stay for him not the children. His fears of being lonely are going to keep you trapped forever if you don't leave, or better idea help him find somewhere to go. Good luck op x

I’ve just came across your thread.

Your older child will no doubt know and be tuned in to the abuse he’s giving you.

Stick to your guns, you can do this

Thank you @PunishmentSnart
It's so unpleasant right now
Daily manipulation
Feel so annoyed with myself for having married him in the first place - what a fool I am to have not seen him for who he is, though he changed after marriage, kids etc. Like they do.
It was all so rushed, I will never get into a relationship so quickly again, I think it's one of the warning signs.

Blue tide I could have written this myself 6 years ago.

So unhappy, staying with him for the children, allowing him to come and go as he pleased whenever it suited. Let him play happy families when he wanted and accept any crumb of affection etc.

And then one time, he left and I dont know how I did it, but I found some strength and I changed the locks and he never came back. He tried. Oh god he tried,but I was resolute.

I filed for divorce after 12 months and now 6 years later I have the most wonderful DP, should have been DH if Corona hadn't hit, but this time next year I'll be preparing to walk down the aisle with 3 DCs around me to the most amazing person ever.

You can find the strength to do this, we are all here to support you x

Google grey rock technique.

Bluetide, your children deserve a happy, well respected mum, not an unhappy, manipulated, emotionally and verbally abused mum. It's not best for the children to be in that environment. I left someone like that 13 years ago and the children adapted - children are very resilient.

This is abuse, coercive control. You need to get legal advice ASAP. Good luck op

My husband has said the same thing to me. He is a teacher and therefore believes he better knows children than me. He keeps saying single parenting is destructive for children. However I was bought up in a toxic home and I can tell you from personal experience, staying together for the kids in a toxic environment is a fallacy. That benefits nobody. And he is manipulating you by using his most powerful weapon, your children's welfare.

@Icanflyhigh

I'm so pleased to hear your experience and happy news. It's something I can't even imagine happening for me right now. But this gives me hope.
He makes every excuse to stall me on everything, even checks what books I'm reading, and asks me who I telling me to divorce him - as if am too stupid to have thought of it myself.

How did you meet your dp?

My ex H was so controlling, so much so I didn't even realise the extent until after he had left for good.
He controlled what I wore, ate, listened to, read and watched on TV. I wasnt allowed to wear my beloved Dr marten boots or colour my hair.
Not long after he left I bought myself a camper van, I learnt to maintain it and took myself off to festivals around the country. Met DP in a field at a racecourse in northants where we were both sat on the inflatable sofa of a mutual friend. The sofa malfunctioned and I ended up sat on his knee! He came to my house to take me on a date a few weeks later, and he never really left! We've been together just over four years, lived together more than three and a half, and it is just so right.
I had just short of two years being single with my DCs and I loved it. I rediscovered me, did all the things we liked and when I met DP, it wasnt an effort or chore to be with him. Hes a fantastic step dad to all 3 DCs, hes supported us through everything and is the complete polar opposite to ex H.

Changing those locks and finding that strength was the best thing I ever did. It didn't feel like it at the time and for the first few weeks/months I had some very dark days, but I also had some amazing friends and family support.

You absolutely can do this xx

How are you doing @BlueTide?

@PunishmentSnart

Thank you - I am doing okay. I have spoken to a lawyer and everything is in hand thank goodness. Stbxh continues as he always has. How many years I wasted on this man.

Don’t think of the years you have wasted, treat it as a learning experience and know you will never have to deal with someone like that again once you are free