I know it wasn't rape, because I didn't stop him, but it was awful

[BreathlessCommotion]

I told dh I definitely wanted to separate just before lockdown. Great timing. I had the same a year ago but agreed to do counselling and try.

There is a history of emotional abuse and sexual coercion. And some awful things said to be about sex, my body. He's been trying to win me back, and I said we wouldn't talk about it while in lockdown (we did once and it was awful, I felt scared) so I've been civil, trying to deflect hugs and kisses. But he clearly thinks we are trying again.

So it is my fault. Tonight I knew he wanted sex, I can just tell. And he tried to make it all about me, I wasn't enthusiastic, I cried and out a pillow over my head at one point (I don't think he noticed). But mostly I played along, made the right noises until it was over. I think he did even ask me at one point and I agreed.

But, I feel awful, dirty, disgusted in myself. I did it essentially to keep life easier during lockdown. I'm worried about him turning nasty. I so wish I had somewhere to go (my dad is shielding so I can't go there with kids).

But this is my fault. I should have said something. I used sex to keep the peace. I hate myself.

It's not your fault, a person knows when someone isn't into it. He knew but didn't care, he is a rapist.
I am so sorry this happened to you, is there anywhere safe for you to go?

You said you can't leave but maybe you need to ask him to.

You need to get out of there is there no other family or friends?
I imagine there will be quite a few empty rentals sat empty with landlords desperate to get people in.

It is NOT your fault

Not even remotely

Please believe this and get away from him

Hi OP, I'm sure you posted a while back on the 'lockdown with an abuser' thread. I'm sorry things are so bad.

I really sense your self disgust and shame but please try not to feel like that as you are just trying to survive a very difficult situation.

Can you take a nice, warm bath? Shut the door for total privacy, get into some lovely fresh pyjamas and find somewhere else to sleep? Sofa if there is no available spare bed. You'll feel a little better.

I think it's time to start taking some action now. We don't know how long lockdown is going to be and this situation is deeply upsetting and bad for your mental health.

It is possible to get advice, it's possible to move to a refuge temporarily to just get away and get some advice, it's possible to rent and it's possible to speak to a solicitor.

Get some rest if you can, have a bit of a think and if you want some support please post in the pinned thread.

Thank you. I have enquired about rental places, but all the responses from letting agents is that viewings aren't taking place and they will contact when they are.

The best thing for the dc would be for me to stay in the house with them. But I don't think he would leave, not easily. But if could rent somewhere I could probably go.

I just feel so stupid. Not many people in real life would believe I wouldn't stand up for myself. I'm going to make plans today, new one or at least amended ones.

Sometimes it would be more dangerous to fight your way out of a situation, sometimes it is safer to go along with it to protect yourself.
It wasn't your fault, the only person at fault is the one who commits the act.

Agreed this isnt your fault at all.
You did what you had to do to get through it.
That was self preservation and not an invitation.
You need to speak to the police or atleast a Councillor and tell them the situation.

It's not your fault and it sounds like you're scared of him. Can you reach out to a friend irl? Or women's aid? It sounds like he needs to leave the property but he may turn nasty? I can understand if you don't want to involve the police but if he won't leave you may have to.

I think you should go to your Dads. He would want you to go to his if he knew the truth.

Spare room.com op! My next door neighbor in midlands has room for rent. Please look on there! You need safety!

Thanks @Breastfeedingworries I would need a 3 bed, though, 2 bed at a push for my 2 dc.

Some landlords don’t use letting agents. Look on Facebook market place i see homes on there and gumtree. They don’t always use agents as you have to pay them a fee xx

I think you should be able to call DV line surely?0808 2000247 They should be able to help you .Really cant worry about size of accomodation ATM even if you are all in a one bed for a while .

Thing is a while ago, when he was refusing to help out, saying nasty things to me, being controlling.

At the moment and for the last year, he has (mostly) been OK. He does 50% of childcare, he cooks all the meals, he does his share of housework. He's not said anything awful to me, has apologised for all the awful stuff (in counselling). I just don't love him, the actions of the past has killed it for me.

I did see I tiny bit of the moody, nasty side when we started talking about splitting house, finances, contact. And that's when I caved. Be auae I couldn't bear weeks, maybe months of living in lockdown with that person.

He isn't a risk to the dc at the moment. He's not a risk to me physically, although I am scared of him. I realise that makes no sense. Maybe it just me that has gone mad.

I think your situation has become the new 'normal' and your boundaries are off. You are at risk physically every time he wants sex. What you are doing is called 'survival sex'.

Please talk to Women's Aid or Refuge and find out what your rights are. You might be able to have him removed.

24 hour freephone 0808 2000 247
www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk

@BreathlessCommotion

How are you feeling today?

Take a look at Gumtree as suggested upthread. See if there's anything going, even if it's only for a few months.

Contact Shelter. I don't know where you are in the UK but the council will have to provide suitable accommodation if you are made homeless due to Domestic Abuse. I don't know if this legislation has kicked in yet, Shelter will know. You may get housed, you never know.

Other options are to contact your local domestic abuse organisation. Look on your council website for 'Domestic Abuse' or type in 'Domestic Abuse help Hownslow' or wherever you live and see what comes up. Councils tend to have joined up services so they can also inform you.

Yes, getting him out is obviously the best option. Your DV organisation will be able to tell you how to go about doing that.

If you can't make calls because he's there all the time you can use email or chat facilities. Use the excuse of taking exercise, shopping or picking up medication in your local Boots where you can ask for the 'consultation room' at the counter and can make calls there.

Download the Brightsky app. it has lots of useful info and places to store evidence.

Oh OP,

You poor woman.

You had sex to keep the peace, to keep things calm, for you and your children.

You were coerced into sex.

That IS rape.

Believe me.

This is NOT on you.

This is NOT your fault.

Please log this with 101.

Please contact Woman's Aid.

You poor woman.

He is a horror of a man.

Whether you can believe it or accept it yet is one thing, but he is a RAPIST.

If a friend told you this story, you wouldn't have any doubt.

You allowed him to use your body out of FEAR.
You didn't resist out of FEAR.
You didn't want to, but you went along with it out of FEAR.

RAPE. Pure and simple.

I am so sorry for you.

If he's raping you and he knows he is, that's why he asked you if you wanted it while he was already taking what he wanted, knowing you didn't want it, knowing you would say yes to placate him, all done deliberately so you would be confused and give him an "alibi" then he is a physical threat to you.

Are you on birth control and/or do you have concerns about pregnancy?

💐💐💐

I'm trying to build up to talk to him/tell him. I so wish lockdown was over.

CHANNEL 5 10PM

HOW TO LEAVE YOUR ABUSIVE PARTNER IN LOCKDOWN

OP LOCKDOWN RULES DO NOT APPLY IN ABUSIVE HOUSEHOLDS.

Be safe OP.

I know they don't apply. But I need to act in the best interests of my children, which isn't to disappear in the dead of night. He is wfh and here all the time, so there will need to be a conversation. I am hoping we can be amicable for the dc.

I also have struggled to find somewhere to rent, given the restrictions.

I just need to have the conversation. Put my big girl pants on.