Being told to meet someone?

[PumpkinP]

Does anyone else have this? I’m a single mum to 4, under the age of 10. I have been single for over 3 years and haven’t dated or met anyone at all in that time. Obviously being a single mum to 4 I’m very busy. My ex also doesn’t see the children so they don’t go to their dads house. On top of that I have no help with them from my own family so I bring them up alone and the only break is school, however I’m still home with the youngest whose just turned 3 last week.

Anyway people seem obsessed with the fact I haven’t met anyone, I get constant comments about it. And people seem to feel sorry for me. My ex use to take it as meaning I “hadn’t moved on” and I remember him once saying “it’s ok to meet someone you know” like I was waiting for his permission or something even family try to encourage me to meet someone. But none of them seem to understand that it’s completely impossible to meet someone when I’m with my children all the time. They see it as an excuse. I would never bring someone over to my house when my children are here unless I got to know them well beforehand. Does anyone else get people telling them they need to meet someone? And I never mention it to anyone so it’s not a case of me saying I want to meet someone it just seems to get brought up randomly.

I think these busybodys need to keep their noses Out of your business and keep their comments to themselves! I’d hazard a guess that none of them have your daily reality. As if meeting/having a partner is the most important thing in the world🤷🏻‍♀️. Never feel as if you have to explain or justify your situation to anyone. If it’s to be it will be, meanwhile take pride in the huge job you are doing, raising safe, secure children is way more important atm. And as for the ‘ex’, seems he’s better with the comments than being any practical use. Ignore the comments, you alone make the decisions for you.

Sounds like you're a total badass bringing up 4 children without and help and it highlights their own insecurities.

Some people don't do well alone and can't imagine that other people are.

You do you.

Different set up as only one teenage DC here, but I get constantly get asked if I've met anyone yet or why I've not met anyone yet. My hairdresser, the ex childminder when I bump into her, my aunt when I speak on the phone with her (who then always tells me how I'm better off that way), my ex boss. Any weddings or parties I go to, my other aunt always asks "did you meet anyone nice?" Even an ex colleague I met in the supermarket at Christmas - literally the third sentence he said was asking me if was seeing someone. I really hardly know him, as friendly as he is!

It's horrible. Makes me feel like a right loser. I know that's not the intention. They want me to meet someone, but when there's something to tell, I'll tell!

Thanks for the nice comments.

I’m glad it’s not just me then, I can relate a lot to that lassesinglasses people are almost obsessed with it and I know they pity me but there is no need! I would like to meet someone in the future eventually but I’m in no rush and can’t really even see how anyone would fit into my life. I don’t know why it bothers others so much. I think it’s a lot to do with how quickly others seem to move on I suppose, everyone I know seems to not be single for more than a few months so it seems odd to them that someone can be single for years.

I get this constantly!!! And I NEVER bring it up myself! You’re doing more than great as you are. Don’t get why people do this! It’s about themselves.

Some people can't conceive of anyone being alright single.

I get told almost weekly by my DS because he wants a dad that lives with him bless him as if it's my choice to be single . I think he feels that way because every child we know is in a nuclear family , I feel bad for him but it's out of my control.have been single for about 8 years now. I have dated a couple of people but it has never progressed to a relationship. I am quite lucky to have a few child free nights sometimes but they are useless to me as I end getting bored and wishing he was back. Sorry I don't have any advice but I understand how you feel.

I’m a single parent to 3 in a similar situation with no help etc. Been single 8 years. Most people are baffled

I was a single parent for 7 years..

Other posters have it right that it's because you/show people up and make them feel a bit feeble

If you reply with 'no thanks mate not looking after a man again' with a tinkly laugh they change the subject x

It’s almost like people don’t realise it’s not possible to date if you have no help. Seriously you’re damned if you do damned if you don’t. If you bring men round your children quickly you’re judged, if you don’t date, you’re odd and there must be something wrong with you! I’m glad it’s not just me though as I genuinely don’t mention it at all, it’s always brought up to me.

I get this all the time and it really fucking hurts, I've been through a lot in my private life that nobody knows about because I don't want to talk about it so it's a sore enough subject anyway without people making me feel like I'm the last runner in a race because I don't have a partner. I feel you OP. People should just bloody well leave us alone x

I wonder if this happens to men? I somehow doubt it.

I think think this is said to all single people, regardless of whether you have kids or not.

it’s ok to meet someone you know”

He doesn't see his kids, but has time to say this to you.

If you have nobody to look after the kids, I can see it would be very challenging to meet anyone.

My ex is deluded but we don’t speak anymore, this is when he was having contact he would say stuff like that as he took me not meeting anyone as me not being over him or me waiting for him. Even when he was having contact he never took them at all and only seen them at my house so I’m not sure how he thinks I have time to date.

I think it probably happens more to people with kids I could be wrong but I do think people seem to feel sorry/pity single parents.

Oh, yes - all the time. The worst thing is being told to “just pick someone” or “pick someone nice” as if I have decent men queuing up! There is nobody nice, reasonably attractive, solvent and sane, and hasn’t been for years.

And @lassesinglasses - you’re completely right - my brother has never had a girlfriend because he’s probably gay but of course he never gets flak for it, because he’s a bachelor.

Why doesn’t your ex ever have the kids?
I’m afraid if he’d patronisingly given me permission to move on, I’d have been extremely blunt in my response. How am I supposed to do that with four small children whose useless father refuses to parent them so I have the opportunity? It’s you holding me hostage, chap, literally. Not any lack of desire on my part.
What a tool.
In all honesty though, I’d probably be saying the same thing to everyone. ‘Yeah god, I’d love to meet someone, but as wotsischops doesn’t ever have the kids, I don’t have the chance. It’s so utterly unfair that he gets to move on, but refuses to allow me the same courtesy by stepping up as a parent.’
The more this is pointed out, there is a chance they will grasp how pointless their question is.

He’s absent through choice. He last saw them a year ago, but it’s what he use to say when he was. I’ve told people the reason but they make out like I’m making excuses. And I get stuff like “ oh don’t worry they’ll all be at school soon! “

It’s almost like people don’t realise it’s not possible to date if you have no help

Anyone who has kids would realise this surely.

I think if I was in this position, I'd go for an online relationship just chatting with people to begin with. Seeking friendships first and having interesting chats.

Before I got married, I had people wanting to introduce me to prospective husbands.

It's like at a certain age you should be with someone or people wonder what's going on with you.

I would have thought with 4 kids under 10, they realise you have your hands full, with no time to date, unless you have a relationship within school hours.

My response would be (particularly to the ex unless not appropriate)
'That's so kind of you to offer - so which day of the week would you like to look after them/baby sit so I can go out and hopefully meet somebody?'

Oh that’s a great response Ariela I bet they will soon change their tune!

You would think people would realise but sadly they don’t, I get told “not to leave it too late” and that I will regret it when they are older and left home and I’m all alone

Oh yeah, because once the kids leave home we won't be capable of stepping over the door.

It’s like they were saying it would be too old by then, I’m only 31!!

@PumpkinP it's not just dating - people feel your whole life is up for debate when you are a lone parent as I'm sure you know x